LP fan

2011-12-22T19:43:00.003+08:00

Ever wanted to hate someone whom you never thought you'd like so much??

I DO!

and now, more so than ever.. especially when I saw proof of her stupid ignorance with my own eyes..
somehow, i wanna ask her something one more time, just once before killing it off completely.. but right now, even the thought of her irritates me so much.

i highly doubt I'll ask her what I want to.. she can go do whatever she wants... as what one of her close friends told me a while back, I think she definitely will be on the losing side of it.

she, and her stupid lies..
can't believe i got caught up in those...

2011-11-30T19:30:00.001+08:00

I am back here after a lot of thinking. I have been banging my head onto the bloody wall, which, well literally stains with blood splatters and I've reached onto a conclusion. - I AM TURNING INSANE!! You are driving me insanely mad. I am confused, as to what I should do about this situation in my hand.

Everyone keep telling me to get over you, but I find myself losing words trying to tell them that it is not even about getting over you anymore. It's more about whether and WHY I am on the verge of losing another amazing person i like. The more people keep telling me to get over you, it makes me wanna try harder to go and do those things people tell me not to do... how can i resist NOT TALKING TO YOU, how i can i let go off the temptation to look at you every once in a while and see if you are smiling or not? or how can I accept the fact that you seemingly (even though you may not) pretend to hate me. I, too, am not opting for a commitment cause I myself can't bear the thoughts of losing you, but then I am already on the verge of losing you.. To me, you are like a cliffhanger. The story at this point is balanced on such a crucial and delicate point that it is hard to predict what will happen next.

If I could start over again, I would... do things differently. For one thing, I would never give into your friendly gestures to tell you stuff I shouldn't. But, to wish for a start over is completely wishful thinking. I can't dwell into that region right now.. It's too voodoo..

But if i can, I would wanna first apologize to you..and make peace for every wrong thing I might have done to you, and then I would ask you for a chance to let me prove to you that I can be a much better friend. I dunno what you think of me... I really wish you'd trust me and tell me... I am not like the others... I swear, I am not.
I am least bothered about whether some other person wants to talk to me or not, but it matters extremely to me that YOU talk to me..cause somehow that is the way I feel. I can't stop myself for feeling like that, and if you'd want, I CAN give it up, but I need you to tell me that...

Please, just please,
Put aside your thoughts, and talk to me, I long for those conversations again, I long for those smiles that I can contribute for.

And now, here's something I wrote a couple of years back... (//EDIT - NOT RELATED TO WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT ABOVE)

From the moment I looked into you eyes

it whirled my blue skies

And now months have passed, we haven't spoke.

Everytime I close my eyes, I see your face,

There are many things I miss about you, so much so I write them here...

I miss the way you held me tight

I miss the way your lips touched mine

I miss the way we kissed each other goodnight

I miss the way you looked into my eyes

I miss how I could trust you.

Now I've lost all the trust, you were the only one I loved

I've tried so hard just to move on but simply I cant!

I know I am only young but I can't love again!

My heart is broken and cannot be fixed

All my feelings are mixed!

I love you and forever you stay in what is left of my broken heart!!

What's going on right now seems like "last time" repeating all over again. I can't go through that all over again/

Please... just give me another chance..

I do not wanna lose you. I really don't.

If I move on, like the others keep telling me to, I will lose you for good... because you anyways don't talk to me. If I let go of the fight to try and get us to talk back again, I will lose you as a friend, and like i said before, i cant bear the thoughts of that.

please give me a chance.

:(

"I am not saying goodbye, i can't...you are too good for me, and I wanna keep you"

2011-10-17T01:23:00.001+08:00

What does it feel like when you get something new, you play around with and totally fall in love with it, but for some reason, you do something that forces you to part ways with it...?? Some could argue, but for most of the part I too think I am feeling that way. Such primitive and baby instincts are getting on to me..

When it starts, it feels like heaven, and like an intoxication, it spreads into your mind pushing you over boundaries that you once thought you'd never enter. But you can't escape it once you've entered it. It's like entering the next dimension.. I compare it to a whole new dimension, because.. it exists, only hiding from our obvious senses. Do we ever feel the x, y, z and the time dimensions??

I feel like I am standing on this huge clock... trying to jump over the rotating hands.. and I can see the hands moving in on me.. because I know that I won't be able to keep jumping all the time.

Who am I kidding? I miss you.. I miss you so much, that even saying that missing you seems like an understatement.. but what CAN I do?? There was a time, when I felt I could've done anything and everything for you, but here I stand, ONLY to realise that in reality, I can't do shit... I think about that night on the third of the fourth month of 2009 and all I can do is, console my heart and tell myself, that maybe it really was just a fluke.. it happened just by mistake. It just wasn't meant to be. I still stay up dreaming about that night.. when we both let everything go.. I miss you way too much..

And now like deja vu.. i m right back where I was a long time ago... I regret telling you what I feel. YES, i may feel paranoid, but could you blame me for it? I've never done all this relationship.. bgr, gf thingies ever... and I don't even know what I am supposed to feel.. like.. but this is hard... THIS IS WAYY too hard..

And now you keep engaging in conversations about anti-"THAT THING" perspectives.. and that just means one thing, I am gonna reach a dead end... hit the wall... crashing into it badly.. i can pretty much sense things going in that direction.

I"LL BE BACK TO CONTINUE THIS POST!! GOTTA GO TALK TO, well, YOU!

//EDIT

so I am back again.. right where I wanted not to..

anyways.. so like i was saying, you are giving me these weird ideas, which I do not want to pursue, because they aren't just hard as hell, but much more than fatal. I wish I hadn't told you. I was so much better off without having to wonder what it would be like.. if we... well you know... GOD why did I HAVE to be such a fool and rush into things..

shit, and now it's gonna be another failure on my hands... the stains of which are gonna sting badly.. sting like the stupid wound I got today.. haha.. though I LOVED it.. I love the adrenaline rush of the game, of the fall... its just awesome.. haha. But FUCK, i can't even walk properly now..

I think about stuff, and i realise that I can comfortably compare this "physical" pain to the more "not so physical and yet so painful" pain. I wonder why I have landed hand in hand with these "pains" so badly... And even through all these,

I miss you so badly,

and yet i can't do shit about it..

i wanna imagine those times, those memories, those clicks and ticks when I imagined us being together..

I don't wanna even talk to anyone right now..

:(

2011-10-05T14:04:00.002+08:00

Sigh, Again I am back here,

this is just wrong! everything with you is going down the road that I dint want it to. Who thought I'd be so stupid to believe that nothing would change...?? Of course, Everything changes!! PERIOD! I wish I could turn back time, and flip back into the chapters where I told you what I shouldn't EVER have. I know its unfair to assume, what I am thinking, but every second longer I have to wait for you to say something, every second longer I have to wait for you to ask, I can't help resist but to think that the "magic" is disappearing away. Hate this ignorance phase, but is there a fucking way out of this??

I can't decide whether I am angry or just simply confused! I wish I'd find an answer to that SOON! Because, things are really turning south...

And again, without doing anything and just being completely honest... sigh, I hate to say, but I screwed up!

How easy it is for me to just appear somewhere and mess everything up. People think I am clean, and neat and tidy.. and yet I can't even wipe my own mess. What a stupid irony?! Maybe it's for the best, this time I shouldn't even try at all!

Sigh, I don't wanna let go of everything that started, spawned off! That was just awesome, really. I could live and RElive that the moment AGAIN and AGAIN and again! But I had hopes that maybe this time, i'd be living newer moments only to keep expecting more fresh moments to come. But, of course, THAT's not gonna happen... so what's the next step? Frankly speaking, I have no idea!! I am still hoping you'd understand certain things, and let go of, (and IF THERE IS), the fear!!

I'll be back here again, sooner than I thought I would..

But then, I am hoping things might have changed till then..

And till the next time, i wanna think about this...

Long ago
Just like the hearse, you die to get in again
We are so far from you

Burning on
Just like a match you strike to incinerate
The lives of everyone you know

And what's the worst you take
(Worst you take)
From every heart you break
(Heart you break)
And like a blade you stain
(Blade you stain)
Well, I've been holding on tonight

What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

Came a time
When every star fall
Brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold

And what's the worst you take
(Worst you take)
From every heart you break
(Heart you break)
And like the blade you stain
(Blade you stain)
Well, I've been holding on tonight

What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

Well, if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight

Can you hear me?
Are you near me?
Can we pretend?
To leave and then
We'll meet again
When both our cars collide

What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight

Well, if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

sigh...
cyberbeast

2011-10-01T18:03:00.002+08:00

And I am back here again! Why does it have to be that every time I think I want to leave this blog alone, somewhere somehow, I came back to it, crying and begging for those things to come out of me and in its own minute ways make me a feel a little better. Today, was another one of those days, where things seem to be going slightly faster than the rest, and you keep riding the waves over and over again, with people. And then, hurricane strikes, and there's destruction all over again! Crashing and banging everything that comes in the way, doesn't bother to stop at all.

Today, I confessed something to someone, only to make that person feel, if not angry, CONFUSED! :( brings me back to the those days, when lying in the field, I was attracted to her, like the moon to the earth, beneath the mysterious shadows of the tress in the night. What would it mean, to her, I did not know.. but for the the curiosity, I did surrender my feelings... I let it go, i was bound to her, and time was standing still, i could hear every insect singing, every leaf falling, every subtle sound in the environment, but the one i could hear the most distinctly was the sound of her warm breath and the touch of her soft skin when I held her little hands in mine. The warm aura, was immensely strong, and that feeling was so gigantic, it could have ripped planets apart. Maybe that is happiness, or maybe it signifies the incoming doom, awaiting your arrival in the best of emotions, the best of moods... and then not hours before everything starts feeling like a rainbow clad sky, it all explodes... explodes to a million pieces, scattered everywhere, like the remains of the flesh and blood from the soldiers dead in war! But this time, it was my blood, and it was my flesh, and it was my mind, that had died, and she was there, standing in the meadow, observing all the tiny things, probably feeling bad, but also, no strong emotions showed up in her heart. And then when I gathered enough strength to put myself together, she was gone... enjoying "nights" with other people!

THAT was the recollection of the thoughts that went through my mind.. when yesterday, I was honest (and probably foolish) enough to tell (a new) her, what i feel.. And I did not realise the apparent doom that was inbound on my course. The rain outside just probably added to the theatrics of it all, but ever so badly, I was mad, i was angry AT MYSELF! Another person, whom I couldn't and would never want to hurt, I probably did.. and How i fucking wish I could penetrate into the thoughts in her mind, and plant a seed that would make her realise that I am NOT like others, I DO NOT want what others do... For me, I am the GIVER.. i give.. and to you.. i can only give... a reason for you to smile. Maybe these things don't have scientific proofs or theories or thesis to understand, why I am attracted to you or why my mind tricks me into believing that I might have the power to keep you happy, and hence smiling... I just want to intermix, my emotions into the one Emotion of yours.. your happiness.. all i want is for you to realise THAT! Yeah, true that, its just been a few days, maybe weeks, but you dont wait till the rain stops to appreciate the rainbow afterwards... you start looking for signs, and colours that could help you spot a rainbow from the distance... because, when you DO spot it, it feels nothing less than heavenly to keep looking at it... sparkling.. and almost false to be magical! But THAT almost never happened... I think its wrong of me to be so open, to be so honest.. Why can't I be like those others... I guess, i am not programmed to work that way... but is being honest.. worth it.. is it worth the, perhaps, limited pain that it can inflict to those I care about.. those I WANT to care for??

The worst part, was when even YOU went silent, like her... i literally died.. restlessness would just simply be an understatement to describe what i was feeling inside... but I am glad, that unlike her, YOU, bounced back.. and you comforted me... I felt so incapable... so helpless, and at these times, even apologising seems ordinary... the only extra ordinary feat that would be the option would be to meet you, but that seemed like out of this world.

Even then, all i want to try and do now, is to not hurt you anymore.. you already know what i feel (though for some strange reason i regret telling you), and it's gonna be impossible for it to change, even if you claim that i might start feeling differently, once i get to know you... Although, i would wanna tell you.. that this whole, "attraction" is not at all about how I feel!!! It's just about a desire, to wanna see you smile.. i mean, i just wanna be in love with the pleasure of seeing you smile... yeah yeah, what sort of an idiot am i to fall for someone's smile.. but its true... it maybe a concept of a whole new other level in my mind.. but for surely it is true... what i can i say... you've got more power over it apparently.

I was scared, that I might lose you over something... that was just natural. and I really wish I hadn't hurt you... or even confused you.. or whatever you wanna call it.. and I still dont know how to tell you that.. its not YOU, who did anything to make me feel that way about you.. i mean YES, its you.. but its just the natural you.. You don't even have to try hard to make me wanna be with you. Is it so hard to convey that..?? apparently it is... I hope you can understand, that incidents regarding these things rip me apart, i maybe some iron man figure on the outside, but inside, i am as helpless as a newborn child..

all in all,

i wish i could tell you, in words, how sorry I am to have put you in a position, a state of confusion, no matter how brief it would have been.. and its definitely my fault..

i hope and i really wish, i do not hurt you more.. i'll have to look twice ahead before treading even a small footstep in your direction.. i don't know if i'll be able to look up at you straight... but yes, this guilt is gonna run behind me for a long long time... maybe something can change this.. but i am not even considering that..

all this brings about certain new questions to the arena... and there could be limitless choices and answers... i hope to find mine in that maze... and i hope you'll help me find it...

again, i need your trust.. and your friendship, and most important of all to know that you have forgiven, or left behind the "confusion" i enveloped around you tonight!! Just please, carry, the good things that are left for to be taken, and guide me where I should be..

I am really sorry.

I hope you liked the pic I edited for you, In whatever time i had, all i wanted to emphasize on, through the picture, was the fact that, everything else seemed blurry and almost lifeless (colourless) when thinking about the fact that i hurt you, but the way you came back about it, the way you were so supportive and almost as charmingly nice... I couldn't help imagine, the soul, the only colour at that moment in my head.. and i could see you smile a little bit.. that was and even currently is.. the fuel keeping my mind stable and steady..

don't change for the fear of what i feel, i am not strong enough to lose something that precious. Of all things, I value people more than anything.. and you are my recent "discovery"!! and it really doesn't matter... what or how I feel...

sigh,

its been some time, since i fought with my eyes.. and ultimately like always I won, but there was indeed much "tear"-shedding, and muscular rubbings to the eye... and at the end of it all, the eyes saw red.. and so was the victory achieved...

i m just insane..

i m crazily insane..

need to think... need to study.. need to focus

urgh,

until next time,

cyberbeast

2011-08-08T11:25:00.002+08:00

So, you wont just let go of my mind now will you? You just wanna grab every single inch of it and not let go. I can't throw my resistance at you, and so it is even more harder for me. I am currently standing on my newly bought apartment overlooking an extremely wonderful view around me, but yet i feel so blank and more than anything, THAT is not what i wanna feel. Where has that excitement gone?? where is that tender, feeble sense of enthusiasm? I guess it has passed, more like MOVED on, like the fading sound of a railway engine in the distance. HAHAHA, MOVING ON! what a phenomena THAT can be eh? Have I moved on? Have I, really? I think I have but my mental demeanor definitely doesn't claim it. I still keep dreaming about those things that happened, that SHOULD have happened, but ever more so, they NEVER did, may whatever the reasons would have been. So when and where does this wind up? A part of me wants to get over these things as quickly as possible, maybe pack it in a metallic trunk and throw it away forever, or perhaps bury it deep down somewhere in some place that i could possibly not remember. But then there is that OTHER part of me, which cant let go of it. Those dreams, ah, those dreams.. couldnt be more real than as much as reliving it, and yet I know being the dreamer... it will always be the dream and that REALITY is, inadvertently the place I HAVE TO BE.. no matter how much I detest it. URGH!

so here's to a new start that marks the beginning of something different... which at THIS point of time, I completely abhor even before I have experienced it, but this is not what i wanted.

so here's to LET go,

here's to MOVE on,

here's to start hating it even more.

i'll be back later..

and WOW, you actually started talking the way i wanted you too.. i wish we could have kept THIS going on at the time when it would have mattered a lot more than today. but i m glad, you reached that place where it went back to the way it was supposed to be. 2 years and 5 months... FUCK thats a lot of time to bounce back to normality. urgh.. THAT thing with you was such a freaking disaster... WHY?? i question myself and yet I am still waiting for an answer to pop. haha.

The Silent Scream!

2011-07-01T02:19:00.001+08:00

So what does it feel like to fall down this badly and not be able to get back up because you know you are going to end up just there again??! Well I have exactly that going through my mind because it applies to me pretty clearly. Ever wondered things could go so wrong? Of course, everyone does see the positive and negative side of things, but does anyone, did I for that matter, ever imagine it to go down the drain so quickly and painfully? I guess not! Probably because I was living in a dreamworld when I was supposed to be seeing the "negative side" of things. Oh, that dream world! Part of that DREAM was actually much of a reality. I mean, I wouldn't have even thought in my dreams that I would actually be so close to you, so close that I'd be able to hear you breathe, feel you move and the gentle calm winds just turning the silence of the late night into the subtlety of the dawn. I remember trying to hold you tight and wanting to give you the warmth that I sincerely thought you deserved especially after all that YOU went through. I tried to be a hero, tried to make your problems my own and drive them away. I was so much like the stereotypical spy ~ working behind the scenes to ensure the success of a mission. Just my mission went totally wrong. I remember the heightened sense of breaking rules standing on the other side against authority, with you, clutching your tiny hands, silently admiring the enchanted texture of your skin and of the little fingers that felt like fragile glass.. the imagery, even when I think of it today can not match the reality of it. That's the thing with me I guess... for NORMAL people, reality can not reach imagination, while for someone pathetically ABNORMAL like me, even imagination comes down to it's knees trying to match up to the reality of what I went through, went through with you. Oh, it was beautiful and eternally timeless, the times, and of course, you were too. Only had I known the way it was going to turn out the way it did, only if i knew, that you were in a completely different place, only if i hadn't listened to your "soul sister", Maybe just MAYBE i wouldn't be shedding tears of sadness, grief, defeat and loss right now. So many people don't understand why I still even talk to you. They tell me tales of break ups and parting and 2 people not wanting to even look at each other leave alone talking. And what most still don't understand is why I forgave? Well, i dunno if i'll ever be able to give them an answer to that, but what my conscience is based upon for this question is that, before the start of it all, i had started envisioning what we'd be like, and although the real picture never took the expected shades, I knew that if even something were to come out of this, then it would have to be about what I can give to that entity comprising "US". And forgiveness was one thing that was pretty much the easiest thing to "give" for "US". After exactly 26 months since the last time I remember having any hopes for you to.... well, any hopes at all, I am still stuck in the middle of something.

I still don't understand where I went wrong, or is there something I dint do well enough. Each story needs the characters to bide to their role so as to even hope for the story to be appreciated. I just didn't do enough. Hell I don't even know if the story is yet finished or if the book's even got any more chapters.

I want to know where I am going wrong because it seems like all I have done is made the wrong choices, but I don't think that my first, and definitely the only choice, about you was wrong, but why am I where I am right now? why am i on the losing side of battles, the losing side of life...? if this is meant for a greater good, then why did i lose the one thing i really wanted, one thing that I thought wouldn't be a gamble but a sure shot investment with guaranteed returns. Even the best banks in the world can't predict such investments and there I had it in my mind. I think about you and suddenly I start tracing back behind 26 months, and the alternative path seems so much better... if only you had given me the chance. So how do I pick myself from here, without shedding a single tear and not reminisce the lovely you, the lovely imagery of us in the darkest moments.. the warmth, the connection (or atleast I thought so)...

i wanna scream, and demand some higher authority to put me back in time, and let me hold you so close, let your hands be in mine, let your hair be in my face, and my scarred heart feel the tenderness of yours and let me believe that NOTHING CAN GO WRONG as long as I am with you.

but then again, THAT would hurt even more so than every, cuz despite everything I can't deny the fact that your "alliance lies with someone else", and this is probably never what you wanted either.

but no matter what i try to do,

the only thing i can do, is utter,

a silent scream.

please talk to me, comfort me about this... even after so much time when I thought that I had finally let it go, a dream made it bring it all back.. all back...

i... i miss you.

but sigh, i forget, i can only scream silently. you can't hear this.

even if you can't hear me, i still do, in the innocence of everything we did back then, miss you very much.

2011-05-06T15:02:00.002+08:00

So, right now.. I am in a position, from where I can not see beyond, and neither can I turn back. In such a binding state, I am forced to move on forward.. trodding along the same dreaded path, until maybe I find a detour, or maybe a completely different path. But the walk is long, and tiring, and is extremely dull and sad. It doesn't have colour to say the least. But I need to still keep walking, which I am, but only to keep questioning myself... So when does my destination come in sight?!

So unsure I am right now, about whats about to come next, that it is eating me up like poison. On the surface, there isnt much change, but deep down beneath, the reactions are already getting onto my nerves and slowly, WILL eventually consume my entire self.

I know I am gonna be rejected soon by someone/something.. and till then I will in this state of confusion. But the poison has still not reached THAT deep in my heart, so as to deteriorate the HOPE of a chance that I might not be rejected and denied shamefully. That hope is precisely what keeps me trying to fight it out.. but I can't say anything, until I see some concrete proof.

All in all, the past few months have been nothing, but a wreck, eating me out.. like a predator grubbling on its prey.. and leaving nothing but the bones for to decompose.

I need a little more hope. and obviously something concrete.. until then my eyes will be shadowed.. and I hope my next creation captures it all.

2011-05-02T14:22:00.003+08:00

So how does it feel to be DEFEATED? defeated by no one else BUT you. Can one truely be defeated by oneself? I sure do think so. I made that picture on top, because somewhere somehow, it feels very apt, to imagine a face, hidden in sight from the viewer. I can see that face, my face, mine right there, trying to avoid everything.. avoiding those eyes, avoiding those conversations, avoiding YOU. On a different note, I am glad things are working out well for you. But I am still hurt. Coming back to what I was talking about.. I know when they say, your own true enemy is no one but You. never really experienced it before, but ever since... YOU show up in my life, things are going on a rollercoaster rush. And up until now I cant pick myself up. Not blaming anyone but myself. Why? cause I was blind, I was driven mad at the sound of it.

AIEEE was yesterday. The question paper got leaked somewhere in the country and the exam got postponed and while that was happening, a new set of question papers was being delivered across the country. The leaked question paper was replaced by a new one, which according to tutors, turned to be more KILLER than the one that got leaked. So in many ways, those that leaked the paper, screwed the entire country's takers. And as for me, I had a bad time (DUH!). and before I start to talk about that, here's what a newspapers article read this morning "AIEEE Physics was extremely difficult, Chemistry - nominally difficult and Maths was just difficult". And well that fits in my situation as well.. but I screwed up Chem, more even so than Physics and Maths. I cud only do 5 questions of the 30 asked. I knew many others, just wasnt 100% sure, and with the stupid, NEGATIVE marking (-1/4 mark for every wrong answer) I dint take my chances. But this was just the beginning of what followed next.. PARENTS!!! At the end of the exam, i let them know how i did.. they started terrorizing me with my wrongdoing about not having been able to solve a lot of questions. At times, I feel as if they have a problem with their memories... I mean, I had 3 fucking months to study a subject from level 0 and while others have 2 years to do the same piece of work. The course have 40+ chapters. Every chapter worth 20 pages of chemical gibberish that does not, intrigue me even a little. And yet even after all that, they fucking expect to have at least solved 20 out of 30 questions??!!! i mean WTF!! I really wanted to jump out of the car, cuz frankly that would have been just so much better than having to listen to them.. and when I try to explain myself, all I got was - well, a chance to NOT talk. I was pissed, and frustrated.. and i said things that I shouldnt have. I mean, I said some really rude stuff to my parents, only regretting it later... but when you push someone (like me) over a certain limit, what else CAN someone do?? The thing I detest about my parents (particularly someone), is that their method of "making me learn" or "grooming" me at my age is completely wrong. They are like Usain Bolts of throwing negative comments, and criticizing. THEY NEVER BOTHER to give their criticism a more, CONSTRUCTIVE side. The whole fucking world is like some kind of a ball filled only with negativity. Sigh.

Everything's gone from bad to worse, and while a friend of mine claims "it'll be over soon", I don't see an end coming soon, mate. I really need someone.. someone my age, who understands what I am going through, all this stupid loneliness, and disconnection from the world.. is turning me into someone I dont wanna be. Obviously, THIS is not as important as being able to answer at least 20 questions out of 30. And while this, they dont care, about the other part of the paper, which sort of went well. But like I said, NEGATIVE is ALL They see!!

I could really use some good news soon, though I am not expecting any.

Someone come to me.. I need you more than ever.

A small personal composition, for a departing thought..

Cant feel the wind brush my face,
lost in sorrow,
i feel my life is just a waste

so much hurt inside
darkness in my thoughts
too many times have i cried

cant feel the sunlight warm my skin
i cant take it anymore
the sadness grows from within

broken wings, i can no longer fly
i am the fallen hero
all i want is to die

cant feel the cold kiss my cheek
im giving up,
i accept my defeat

i punch those walls
i bleed out all the pain
i cant belive it ended like this....

cant feel the essence of my soul
my heart stops beating
ive finally let go

2011-04-27T03:14:00.005+08:00

It all starts and ends with a dream.

Something that my memories wanted me to bring out. I wish I could see your face, but I know it's already looking somewhere else, waiting for someone else. It was truly a wonderful "illusion", though nonetheless enjoyable, because you were in it. But sigh, you are bound to "other" illusions. But you stay happy.

CURRENT MOOD: Sad!

MOOD LEVEL : +6 (Sadness)

2011-04-13T12:07:00.004+08:00

After reading all that, the one thing I definitely directed my attention to was to understand why NOW, at this point in time, what you might have said in the past.. is so contradictory! Somehow, back in time, I really did think that maybe you finally see me for the person I wanna be to you. But more than ever, it was just a force pushing you further away. You lied to me? for what, I ask?

I guess it is just plain incorrect to say that "3AM friends" understand each other the best, and I rest my case AGAINST that stupid newspaper article I read a few days ago. I was, well, or atleast tried to be a good "3AM friend". I don't know, if well, someone has ever done that for you, even after everything that we've been through, but you were blinded by the company of "someone". It's like that thing people put on a horse's face, so that it cant see sideways.. but only straight. When there WERE ppl at your side, they were in darkness for you. All they probably meant to you was a stupid black patch, never to realise that they were the ones, in fact, who supported you for ur 'partial' sideways blindness. But all you kept appreciating, is what you saw in front.. that "someone" who well in many ways and in countless definitions was no more than the semi-heroic Casanova. At least, Casanova had the decency to give up his sexual desires, when he met the one girl who changed his life. And here YOU are, probably waiting for YOUR Casanova to change colours, which is going to be hard... considering your choice of certain decisions. I have not asked you that one single question, that will make everything clear in my mind. I mean the answer to that question can solve the mystery of YOUR emotions, feelings.. and of the reason as to why you are nothing but a (in Hindi) "raand" to your so called "man of your life" Casanova. I will ask you that question more soon than ever, because for a thousand reasons and one I NEED TO MAKE PEACE with it too, because somewhere somehow, in the shadows of this super-long "episode", I too played a part and I too, got hurt (maybe more so than ever).

Some people have been talking about Silences and how special these are to well these people, but I think they forget to acknowledge the fact that, with silence comes along so many, unwanted necessities. I call them necessities because somewhere down the line, without these, relations just BREAK. I mean literally! Silence can be desired only when before silence, what needs to be conveyed, IS conveyed.. and NECESSARILY through sound, speech, words. Humans have YET to discover and hopefully, master the art of speaking to others with their minds. Very vaguely, people think they can "connect" to others without speaking, and while I don't doubt such existence of psychic connections, I highly doubt it starts and ends with SILENCES. To cultivate such connections, to reach the deeper side of a person (with whom to connect), there is so much to know, and to do. While you tend to rest away from all these, it makes everything difficult. Pretty much is the case with what is going on with you too. You never spoke, Mr. Ben(efits) thought "you were a dumbass weirdo" (quoting Mr. Ben himself) and while those were the thoughts in his mind, you were on a completely different place, imagining more romantic situations only to be interpreted completely differently by your "Made me believe in..." guy!

But I don't blame you for this, and nor do I want you to see it that way or infer anything along those lines from this post, because every person is different, and hence unique. Maybe, the best way to connect with you is through Silences, silences that don't ever make sense to others but that is what is unique about you.

When someone does indeed realise that, that person is in maybe the same kind of place, that someone else has been in.. and you know that, you cant get what you want, if it were me, I'd try working it out in reverse, and try making it better for at least one person. But you don't see that.

I wish I could ask you to talk to your best friend from a not so distant past, because in many ways, she went through the same thing as you with her Mr. V! But I am nobody to tell you that!

For a moment there, I really thought, that those things were about me, I mean I just glanced through the words, and somehow those happenings were in my mind too, until I read a little carefully, to know more about "dancing", "castles" and the epic "falling". I knew these weren't the words. It felt like the feeling you have when you think you are gonna get a present, and its only when you have the present in your hand, you realise its not even meant for you. Makes you feel so rejected, and discarded.

With everything happening in life right now, being discarded is the only thing I deserve. I guess, I AM the perfect epitome of being a perfect LOSER!!

PS - I wish u2 get bck, cuz aftr tht I'll be free 2 go away frm u completely. I don't wanna be the reason for parting u anyways, or atleast that is what Ben thinks, and for a major part, I think so too. sigh.

2010-11-28T01:10:00.002+08:00

Why does everyone want me to hate you? I mean, yes u made mistakes.. but so what?? i make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes... doesnt mean i go around hating everybody.. there ARE people who do that... but well its usually those outcasted people...

I was talking to an incredibly wonderful person today :) and well, somehow she thinks i should hate this someone because the someone screwed me over.. and i was like well.. you ARE gonna meet people in your life who have screwed other people... and just as well might screw you up.. and to that her reply was... "bleh! Dude, she screwed you over, you should HATE her!" haha.. well i know it sounds all weird from her perspective.. but being a person directly involved/affected(/hurt?) by this.. i can tell.. that she wasnt such a bad person after all... and it's really not her fault she doesnt like me like me. haha, and like HALLLOOO!!!! i would never wanna force her to do that.. would i?

sigh, just wanna get past some things... yeah.. anyways.. to the incredibly wonderful person.. i m sorry, but the things we talked about are not gonna happen ever... EVER sounds like a bit too far fetched.. but i can promise you its not gonna happen soon.. haha i kinda put my everything into making the last one work.. and after reaching a certain stage.. the plan just failed.. haha.. and i m really sorry i had to reject "proposals".. i m not in the mood.. or in the place ti go through it all again..

haha, and plus.. i just dont.. i dont.. so really dont bother talking about it the next time...

yeah.. time's come to a very weird place now.. everything is so fucking uncertain.. and this is almost killing me.. things are just gonna get pretty much fucked up when i make the transition from the extremely flexible to the fucking extremely rigid! life's a bitch.. literally..

back again later..
FUCK THE SYSTEM!

cyberbeast.

2010-11-18T20:15:00.000+08:00

i am really thinking whether all of this is going right.. at this moment, it doesnt even seem like it is close to being right at all...
in some level of sense, maybe it is... i mean a's are turning pretty okay till now, but then there are other things that are not so well to do, if you know what i mean.
recently, well yesterday, someone left..and by left i mean, it was like the last good bye in a long time. And then come all the reminiscences of the past... the past that could never be, the way it should have been in some ways.. and so what do i do? i let down meaningless tears that just collect on my shirt that very well reminds me of a wonderful year. it's like that person always breaks my heart when she flies away. seems like a good imagery for a movie... but trust me, nothing even comes closer to the amount of pain and sadness it leaves behind. I still wonder, with good intentions, why did i lose out? why couldn't she trust me? why did WE lose? and then i get this voice in my head shouting wildly at me, YOU ARE A LOSER SANDESH.. WHAT BETTER CAN YOU EXPECT? and i am like, well yeah it is true that i am a loser... but i counter argue TO MYSELF.. saying, if i was a loser i wouldnt have found her, wouldn't have met the perfect person if i was a loser.. i still remember the warm touch, the soft sensation on my.. and the look..the eyes, the hands.. oh my it truely felt like heaven around her... but like any other safe haven for the gods.. why be kind to people who don't belong there? right?? would u treat the devil with the luxury of heaven...?? and so i guess... with the last goodbye,,, everything just ended... went down the drain.. I wish you could have tried to talk like the ORIGINAL you.. in the last few hours.. just tried to make me happy before ending it off.. i miss her, i miss the real HER.. i really do, the REAL her.. was the first and preferably the last HER, there's gonna be. I cant take it. Its hard as it is.. and with all this it keeps getting worse. I am sorry. If i m a bad person, i guess i deserved to not be with you. like jesus had the last supper.. i wish we had a special last.. something too.. sigh.. i cant believe it's gonna be over. I love you and never less, only more.

sigh,
help me pick myself up.. i m not strong enough.
give me the strength to see it through,
i cant seem to forget you.

i m sorry.
i hate myself.. as much as u hate me too.

2010-10-27T10:52:00.002+08:00

We could have been together.
Rejoicing the times and
not crying over them.

It's that point in time when you have to take the decision, to know the cold hard truth that in many ways binds things together. You were cold, as much as you were heartless, and obviously you were confused but it does not justify either of the 2 pre-mentioned characteristics. You never sought out to see a little further beyond. Just wish you had. Now, I think it is finally upto you, whether you STILL wanna take the path that leads to happiness or take the one that drives you into the familiar yet uncertain woods. You've been there... you've never been here. I guess, inside you just hate 'here' from your guts. Wouldn't blame you for that anyways.

I think I have made a decision.
Again, you DO NOT want to be here, but you still think of going back there. You cant really show or think or say pretty much anything to anyone and now you are on your own. I just wish you had made the right decision long time ago and these things would've probably vanished. But you don't want that. You WANT these troubles and hardships for maybe that is what makes you think you are so pathetic and miserable. And if I have noticed much, this kind of selfishness never helps anyone, no one at all. But you wouldn't believe me. Why would you? You don't trust me. Your mind is run more by the thoughts of "what does "he" want?" than of 'what should i do for the person who cares?" but I wouldn't meddle in your thoughts anymore, it's best to back it off.

so here it is.
today, you truly lose me, lose me in the silence of your words, and immoral emotions that you failed to return back to me.
I am sad,
and you just took it all away from me.

and for the last time, I love.. , I love.., I love(d) you. (still uncertain?)
sigh

why do you hate me so much?

cyberbeast

2010-10-07T22:00:00.000+08:00

When the prey is weak and vulnerable, that is when the predators attack it. In a way, I too am being attacked, badly, by
"predators". For some good reason, it is not someone that is attacking me but some moral principal that I have been trying to run away from. Yes, I am fucking depressed. And for some reason I am in a position from where I cant talk to anyone. This is just killing me. I can not take it any more. When it is time, I think you just HAVE to. Fuck my life.
Care? I need some emotions. I am deficient of it badly. More than that I need a hug.

"i wanna die."
cyberbeast.

2010-09-27T11:38:00.003+08:00

Smell is a pretty intoxicating sense. It alters your thoughts in like a flash of a second. But somehow, a particular smell brings certain thoughts to my mind. I have got to be mad to be talking about what I am going to, but, even then being crazy IS my forte. And the thing about smell is that you cant really express it, i mean, for the sense of sight there are pictures and videos, for hearing, there's music, and noise. But for smell, there's nothing. How am I supposed to convey what the heck I am trying to say? We've heard of the brand called dove, owned by Unilever. For some strange reason I associate something with that smell, someone would be more apt. It brings back memories, sweet memories, painful yet worth remembering. Indulgence in the realm of relationships? I guess so. It's too much to think about at the moment, especially when the only choice you are left with is to let go. But with such a smell, how do I let go of the memories? How do I stop the smell reaching to my senses?
It's all just complicated. But with every single passing moment, makes me think that you probably do not have a heart. Maybe you do, but it is filled with so much weight that you do not want to do anything about it. I can't get into your mind, to take control over things, even though it would be my pleasure to do so, because for one thing, I KNOW I can change your life forever. But, sigh, you just wanna continue with this. And the worse thing is, you do not even realise the repercussions of your own decisions.
How easy it is for you to say, I have not been a good person to blah, blah and blah, and then comes the time reference to the blah2. Not that I "should" care, but it does feel tingy, to be frank it really does hurt. I have been over this, and the closer it gets to that, I think the decision will have to be made. I do not want to think about that, but you just do not seem to get off my mind.

Hurt.

Cyberbeast

"It's never about you, bitch. Its about the one-to-one between US."

2010-09-22T14:55:00.003+08:00

No, I am not too sure about anything these days, especially things about you. Yes, I am confused and utterly sad about somethings. It is very hard to let things go. Sometimes more so than ever, because you feel connected to it somehow. And somehow unintentionally, we care about somethings so much that it just so hurts if expectations are not directed in the opposite way. Really, I wish things would have worked out. And when I think how happy 2 people could have been... I just don't know whether to contemplate the loss or what. I feel a little left out in the part where you were supposed to appreciate, the feelings. I guess, mine weren't any different than what others show. But then, dear, if it were so... then probably your actions are definitely justified. And there's always this one thing that bugs me. Why make "the choice" from the "others"? It's all gonna be a mystery. I guess, this IS my break up. Break up with/from what? I also don't know the answer to that. Haha, funny isn't it? Well, LAUGH then, cause I think I am a joke.
Shit, when I think of those times, it just feels so different, and good. Those moments before things started to fuck up are like the best ever. haha, I am depressed.

Now I know that I can't make you stay
But where's your heart?
But where's your heart?
But where's your...?

And I know there's nothing I could say
To change that part
To change that part
To change...

So many bright lights to cast a shadow, but can I speak?
Well, is it hard understanding I'm incomplete?
A life that's so demanding, I get so weak
A love that's so demanding, I can't speak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you could say can stop me going home

Can you see my eyes are shining bright
?Cause I'm out here on the other side
Of a jet black hotel mirror and I'm so weak
Is it hard understanding I'm incomplete?
A love that's so demanding I get weak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you could say can stop me going home

These bright lights have always blinded me
These bright lights have always blinded me
I say

I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead

(How can I see, I see you lying)
'Cause I see you lying next to me
(How can I see, I see you lying)
With words I thought I'd never speak
(How can I see, I see you lying)
Awake and unafraid
(How can I see, I see you lying)
Asleep or dead!

'Cause I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead!

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
(Or dead!)
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home
(Or dead!)

Long ago
Just like the hearse, you die to get in again
We are so far from you

Burning on
Just like a match you strike to incinerate
The lives of everyone you know

And what's the worst you take
(Worst you take)
From every heart you break
(Heart you break)
And like a blade you stain
(Blade you stain)
Well, I've been holding on tonight

What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

Came a time
When every star fall
Brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold

And what's the worst you take
(Worst you take)
From every heart you break
(Heart you break)
And like the blade you stain
(Blade you stain)
Well, I've been holding on tonight

What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

Well, if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long NOT goodnight

Can you hear me?
Are you near me?
Can we pretend?
To leave and then
We'll meet again
When both our cars collide

What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight

Well, if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

2010-09-08T20:48:00.001+08:00

A mother sings a lullaby to a child
Sometime in the future the boy goes wild
And all his nerves are feeling some kind of energy

A walk in the woods and I will try
Something under the trees that made you cry
It's so ****** when your make up runs

A few minutes with me inside my van
Should be so beautiful if we can
I'm feeling something taking over me

I got wiring loose inside my head
I got books that I never, ever read
I got secrets in my garden shed
I got a scar where all my urges bled
I got people underneath my bed
I got a place where all my dreams are dead
Swim with me into your blackest eyes

fuck.. i wish u cud have been, with me and mine.
hmm .. chocolate... is just awesome.. but u make it seem like ecstasy.

wish u'd care.

‎'silence between two unknown people creates the relation' and 'silence between two known people breaks relation'

well i guess, i love u wayy more than i can ever think of hating u (although u always do give me the reasons to.. )

cyberbeast

2010-09-01T19:49:00.002+08:00

You can change everything you want, just give it a thought.

wow, now whats wrong with YOU???

seriously why is everyone behaving so weirdly?

first THAT person i mentioned in the last post,

and now.. this person... talking isnt that hard right? i mean i know you dont.. but i do.. and at least for the sake of a mutual respect.. u cud just talk right? u apologised for it.. and yet u chose to do it all over again and again. come on.. its never too easy to care for someone.. but i guess we all take these things and people for granted..

well.. like they always say..

we dont understand the importance of something till we are deprived of it.

so if that is what u want.. then u'll have ur deprivation.. and i think what i talked about some person in my last post applies to the new one as well.. the reason most people lose their stars is not cause the stars chose to leave but because most people dont know how to keep them. I hope you'll think about it.. and have something to say about it.

and now i have 2 separate incidents to relate the piece i composed yesterday titled, departure. GREAT!!! as if one was not enough alr..

cyberbeast.

"Dont fuck it up, kiddo!"

2010-08-31T20:03:00.003+08:00

I havent chosen my option yet.

Composed a piece today.. named it 'departure' resembling that feeling i have inside me since a very long time.. but today it just came out.

felt like giving another chance, cause it wouldnt hurt anyone to hear an explanation.. but how would even an explanation heal a state of heart and mind that is already battered by those actions. I guess, first times are always like that.. or at least it is gonna be for me. But it seems it is going to be very hard for "people" to understand somethings.. because I think that for you its like a prerogative... with a tinge of selfishness. Selfishness isnt the right word. Selfishness is more like an imposed thing... you force yourself to chose SELFISHness over selflessness because of your god damn decisions. And because all you believe in is that you are god damn failure... you never seem to know anything.. i wonder why.. probably its because.. all you care about is well YOU and that too you do not understand properly. and You are definitely NOT normal.. not at ALL. People fool around and their actions almost feed ur butterfly and all you can say is that u will try and put the butterfly in the jar but u never do. why is it like something so hard for you to put a god damn jar not just around ur butterfly but also yourself. i dont doubt the fact that sometimes the scripts are written that way, but you dont have to overdo your part.. u are not in a freaking movie about a damsel with whom, everything just always goes wrong.. those things dont happen.. unless you force ur environment to do so..

seriously, the reason you think your stars leave is cause u dont know how to keep them well.. you just want more and more and for those you do have dont really mean anything to you.

so another star is gonna depart soon, if not now.

and once the emotions are confirmed, the rhythm is set , the melody is played.. the departure will be final.

so do something, before the stars that could be your diamond, vanishes.

cyberbeast.

so this star will

2010-08-28T20:08:00.007+08:00

haaa.. back after quite some time.. but no point dwelling on that..

here's the deal..

sometimes you have to look beyond certain things to understand the gravity of stuff... but well... not everyone thinks that way. Its interesting how everyone, although similar, think so differently.. i mean not that i have any problems with diversity or what.. but in some ways, i think ppl SHOULD think in a way that is valid for all.. but then again, its never too easy to understand what someone thinks.. all because of illusions and deceit. And when it all clashes, begins the proprietary war as to whose ideology beats 'em all. I think it doesn't serve much purpose... just something to fight about for personal glory. haha.

weird random thoughts plaguing my mind right now..

at the top of it, is the thoughts of someone.. haha yeah THAT someone.. remember? haha.. i have read some psychology books about human behaviour and modification but even they claim that understanding the realm of mind is way beyond human understanding.. and that is very very true and i can very well pledge for it. For instance.. i know this person.. (i cud go into adjectives describing tht person, but its not needed.... or well if you are careful enough.. , its already been mentioned before) so yeah i was talking about this person.. i have been thinking about this person for sometime.. i have noticed and known this person for a significant amount of time.. and well i have to say.. i have never had a first impression of a person so deep. so now after the supposed 'significant' time, i am at a path that kinda is blurred by the way things are going now.. nothing's clear.. how am i to see what is to come.. if i cant know what this person is gonna show me. i m stuck here in a dilemma.. no.. wait.. trilemma.. because.. i have to choose from 3 fucking totally opposite options.. A, B and C. Choosing A is what most people would have done had they been in such situations... but thats not exactly the kind of option i wanna go for.. its dangerous.. and lets just say.. it fucking kills the whole point.. of having those first impressions and feelings. So A would be my last option if i cant decide between B and C. Lowest priority. Then comes option, B.. option B aint so bad.. it seems rational.. in favor of... (i'd like to say everyone, but i think one, maybe 2 people wud lose out in the long run). I actually did try option B for a while.. it went well.. till things started getting deeper.. and from one thing.. led to another. Option B closes certain doors.. doors that i dont wanna close.. cause lets just say.. the the person kinda OPENed those doors for the very first time in life.. think about it.. why would anyone want to close the doors that leads the path to something sacred especially knowing that once u close them u cant open them ever again.. So thats option B... Option C is to just pretend that everything's fine.. and let things go the way they are and keep hoping that somewhere somehow u will see the unknown path in front of u/.. i m not exactly a fan of such pretense games.. its really not good at all.. or at least I SUCK at it.. yeah. and although hard to believe.. but this option kinda hurts more than option B. SURPRISING?? well thats how it is...

and the thing that is pushing me deeper in this trilemma are the facts that keep showing up.. every now and then.. and although it hurts.. but i let it go.. because (well lets just not go there...) so i am in a trilemma cuz of this person.. and i have options in front of me.. to some people.. thats a good situation to be in, for i have a problem and i have 3 possible solutions.. but here's where i drop dead.. i dont know what that person thinks.. sometimes its easier to assume.. but then i always assume the extreme.. which for a lot of reasons cant be validated.. how am i even supposed to?? possibly that person doesnt have an idea how much its eating me up inside.. and day and night i think about getting past the stage of making choices... and i just so think that i have spent too much time trying to decide...

i have my options and i have my reasons.. i have every good cause to fight out for it.. even though I AM at a disadvantage (again, thanks to the person)..

choices, and decisions, and emotions...

haha..

guess its all part of life.

be right back for more..

cyberbeast..

"work it out, bitch. thats all u need to do."

2010-08-28T20:08:00.002+08:00

haaa.. back after quite some time.. but no point dwelling on that..

here's the deal..

weird random thoughts plaguing my mind right now..

i have my options and i have my reasons.. i have every good cause to fight out for it.. even though I AM at a disadvantage (again, thanks to the person)..

choices, and decisions, and emotions...

haha..

guess its all part of life.

be right back for more..

cyberbeast..

2009-08-17T10:00:00.000+08:00

Until you crash
Until you burn
Until you lie
Until you learn
Until you see
Until you believe

Until you fight
Until you fall
Until the end of everything at all
Until you die
Until you’re alive

Don’t save me, don’t save me, cuz I don’t care
Don’t save me, don’t save me, cuz
I don’t care

Until you give
Until you’ve used
Until you’ve lost
Until you lose
Until you see, how could you believe?

Until you’ve lived a thousand times
Until you’ve seen the other side
This is my chance, this is my self.

Don’t save me, don’t save me, cuz I don’t care
Don’t save me, don’t save me, cuz
I don’t care

Until the truth becomes a lie
Until you change, until you deny
Until you believe

This is my chance, this is my chance
I’ll take it now because I can
This is my chance, I want it now

Don’t save me, don’t save me, cuz I don’t care
Don’t save me, don’t save me, cuz
I don’t care

Save me, save me, save me
Save me, save me, save me
I don’t care

2009-07-13T09:52:00.001+08:00

Talk to me angel,
i miss your voice
your silence is killing me, and
i am tired of this life.

your feelings are unsound
you too are confused
but i m not blaming you
because its not your fight

but i do want you to
be there with me
to stand by my side
and help me fight this misery!

dont do this to me
I cant take it anymore
i know u are trying to fight it out
but i need my angel too

:(

Confessions of a confused soul to an angel

2009-07-07T00:11:00.002+08:00

for that light you showed me
through the darkness of a confused heart
for the words you thought you'd say
that was awaited so long by the silence in my mind.
i still remember your face and your closed eyes
that just made me look at you for hours and hours
there are so many words left unsaid
that tell a new story but for the reasons you'll never know
i will not say anything.
i remember that first sight which i can never forget
and that lovely smile that melts me inside
but now, everything seems so different
and your silence has grown so much, its making my
thoughts go wild.
tears roll down my eyes, when i think of you
your presence incaptivates me in my own mind
and that piece on the piano just moves me
to the beauty of your eyes.
but angel, i am confused now
everything's changing so fast
and in this world of selfish people
i just seem to miss that past.
you say you are the same and
that i dint do anything
but whenever i see you, whenever i talk to you now
something feels weird, something feels strange.
and it hurts me in my heart so much
that i only feel like running to you
and crying in your laps
to tell you that this is unfair
i feel so lonely and nobody!! NOBODY CARES!
and i know your heart will want
to say something but still you wont say
because you'd think it may not be right.

(to be continued...)

i m not gonna say further..
wrote these few lines in the morning... but i dunno whether whoever was supposed to understood it...

when you smile, the world smiles with you
when you smile, you make me want to smile too
when you smile, the room smiles with you
when you smile, butter melts and i do too!

and guys please dont, i SAY dont ask me about what or who or whatever the poem's about/for/anything.. yeah!
oh and blog's gonna be taken off in a few days for updating template! yea!

so till then..
keep waiting..

Sandesh
:(

2009-06-29T13:30:00.002+08:00

i swear upon the birds and tress,
that i am not well,
this is the path that you made me take
and now it seems like it'll probably never be..
i cant tell you whats wrong with me,
because you cant see that deep,
it is more than just the crying and sighing,
that lies beneath me...
i dont know why you changed so much,
so much so that you forgot everything
like with a fresher smell of nectar,
you flew away like a bee...
i put my heart open in front of you
without ever doubting and so u know what i feel inside, but
all you did was take it up the building
and threw it at the sky...
and now its falling down and down,
pulled towards the darkness
that lies beneath...
and soon shall the time come
when it would never be seen

you are making me so angry..
and you dont care...
because all that is running through your mind..
is about you, and your life and your kind.
there was a time,
when i had the magic
and this is very true...
whenever i picked up my phone,
i cud always know what you had to say..
but now that magic is gone,
i see my phone... and see the blankness in it
all i know now is that you just dont wanna say..

i still remember that time when
words were said..
and i thought maybe things were right..
but all you did was drift away
to turn my bright day.. into the darkest night :(
i try to do so much for you
so much so that you dont even know..
but for the things that you think you know..
i dont see any emotions (from you), cause you never show...
i still remember out first talk,
when u talked so differently,
that was perhaps the best "mini" conversation,
i'll always remember in life..
i tried to talk to you, to tell you what i feel
but you were so far away,
you couldnt make out what i said..
but you still chose to keep the distance
because everything was so "RIGHT" for you
everytime those tears rolled down on cheeks (mine)
was like eating chocolate ice cream for you.
i thought you cared, i still think you do..
but you are just taking it so easy
i cant do anything but sigh

friends talk to each other
friends clear away doubts
friends stick by ur side,
when things are fucked up in your mind..
and you arent doing anything of that sort,
maybe its too much for you..
but like the way you are getting on with it
you are moving away from that person i knew
i dont know whats going through your mind,
but for now, my mind is SCREWED.
a "are you ok?" is also NOT what i am expecting,
a smile is all i need.

i know there are always reasons
and i'll be happy to hear it all
but hiding all that away from me...
is definitely - SO NOT MAKING ME HAPPY! ("for your happiness" - ya rrite!!)

i know you enough to tell you
that no matter what you wont change,
but you are determined to prove me wrong.
because maybe "you dont like" what i said...
i m sorry, i hope you'll forgive me
forgive the person who is
a mile and a half below the ocean,
looking for that hand he needs..
that hand that he knows he'll find,
find in time to save himself
and pull him away from this misery.

i dont know what else to say,
coz my heart and mind feels heavy,
its just a matter of moments,
before the hyena cries.
i wish that you'll try,
try to explain to me the saddest fact of my life.
dont think what i will feel about it.
you have already killed me inside.

but no matter what,
i'll still never forget all that imagery that comes to my mind..
because
that night, you were the star i wished upon
that WE'll make things right!

guys i know this is weird and out of a sudden but somehow its just true....
none of you have an idea whats wrong with me..
and i cant tell anyone about it...because no one will understand the depth of it...

somehow i thought time will make things right...but it did not..
and i have to face it all again...
myself..

so ya..
hope you all like the new blog design...
i dint have enough time to add more stuff like always do...
i still need to mess up with the codes and everything
exams been keeping me busy for a while..

-
Sandesh

2009-06-21T23:06:00.002+08:00

that moment when you left me behind,
all the while, made me cry and think about you..

i will not let any of this go...because all this is attached to you and nothing matters if i cant do this..
so i will fucking push myself against my limits and do whatever it takes to get there... i'll do my best...NOTHING but the best... i know this sounds crazy at this point...but NOW is the only time i have in hand, and this is all that i'll probably ever get... and i cant let this ruin everything..

so i'll fight everything that comes my way and i'll save those tears and keep it for the time when happiness comes knocking on my door, and i'll say.. "Heyy, what took you so long? Missed the train?"

bloody hell.... this is even more painful than any of the floorball trainings i have gone through... i'd rather do 20 sets of suicides than go through this.. but like i went through all that, i'll go through all this and make the best out of it...cause champions sacrifice to excel... and they strive to win..

my sacrifices wont go waste..
cause i strive to win.

Impossible is Nothing.
Prove everyone wrong sandesh. This is the time. Show everyone that you can go beyond limits that people cant even think of. ENDURE THIS and the fruits shall be sweet at the end of the track...

-
Sandesh

2009-06-12T10:21:00.003+08:00

if i can only hope...
if i can only wish...
if i can only imagine...
if i can only dream...
if i can only cry...
if i can only sigh...
i will only love, love you
i will only be there, be there for you
you can make my hopes hopeful...
you can make my wishes come true...
you can make my imagination run wild...
you can make my dreams come alive...
you can make me cry tears of happiness...
you can make me not sigh...
IF you can love, love me
IF you can be there, be there with me

ah, i wish i could read your mind...
so that i'd know what makes you love someone!!

:)
i m happy...for a while i guess..
but this happiness here, for now, is definitely cause of you!
thnk u
<3

2009-06-11T01:18:00.000+08:00

sometimes you don't feel like talking,
not cause you don't want to,
or you don't wish to,
or that you don't like who
you're talking to.

it's just that sometimes
you feel, after saying
something, something of great
importance to your heart,
or your soul, you feel
that you don't feel it
anymore.

like as though,
by saying it,
you're letting it go,
and you know,
sometimes, you don't
want to let things go.

because you know
things can go on
and new things
can grow
out of what
has been grown.

and because
you want to feel
feel that something
that sort of shows
that you're still
alive and not
part of an
illusion.

but keeping things
inside of you
like a bottle
will not help
because you know
someday,
somehow,
somewhy,
it'll be opened

and if there's
just too much being
bottled up,
everything will
just spill out
instantly,
automatically,
logically,
and it'll just
be too much,
too much, for
anyone to get
what you feel
what you say
what you think.

but despite all your wants,
your needs, your desires,
you know in this world,
things are going to go
against you,

not because you're
right and they
are wrong,
or they being
right and you
being wrong,
but because
in actual fact
there's no
right or wrong.

but still despite all those
negative happenings
occurring around you,
as though it's taking
over your world,

you should be living
for that small little
good thing right there,
and not forsaking
anything, or everything
with the thought
of ending it all.

no clue as to why those words came out,
with me not understanding half of what's
being written after re-reading,
still, it's the way i want it,
to have it written down,
as though engraved into something,
because, i don't want to let it out.
i still want to feel.

2009-06-07T17:45:00.003+08:00

You are the darkness, a blind man sees.
You are the brightness, the sun shine gives.
You are the light that darkness needs,
You ARE the impression, that your sweet smile leaves.

You are the dream I always wanna see
You are the imagination, I always wanna feel
You are the voice of the nightingale,
But you ARE in my heart, that's burning like hell.

You are the toy, a child wants to play
You are the fairy tale, a story teller wants to say
You are the notes, a singer wants to sing.
You ARE the hunter in the night, waiting for the day..

You are my ____,
You are my soul,
You are _______,
The angelic beauty I know.

I am sorry for whatever is making you do this to me.. Your words left me crying yesterday.
They struck me like bullets... You cant remove the bullets, but you can definitely ease the pain.. I beg you to become who you were before.... I beg you to talk to me the way you used to before... I beg you...
do that for me...

and please i cant be selfish...
not for you..
because every feeling that comes from me for you..
is unconditional..

:'(
I am sorry... hope you'll forgive me...and help me become who i was before...
for only you can bring the old "me" back...

i promise i'll be a better person...
please just forgive me...

:(

2009-05-23T10:44:00.002+08:00

Mama, we all go to hell.
Mama, we all go to hell.
I'm writing this letter and wishing you well,
Mama, we all go to hell.

Oh, well, now,
Mama, we're all gonna die.
Mama, we're all gonna die.
Stop asking me questions, I'd hate to see you cry,
Mama, we're all gonna die.

And when we go don't blame us, yeah.
We'll let the fires just bathe us, yeah.
You made us, oh, so famous.
We'll never let you go.
And when you go don't return to me my love.

Mama, we're all full of lies.
Mama, we're meant for the flies.
And right now they're building a coffin your size,
Mama, we're all full of lies.

Well Mother, what the war did to my legs and to my tongue,
You should've raised a baby girl,
I should've been a better son.
If you could coddle the infection
They can amputate at once.
You should've been,
I could have been a better son.

And when we go don't blame us, yeah.
We'll let the fires just bathe us, yeah.
You made us, oh, so famous.
We'll never let you go.

She said: "You ain't no son of mine
For what you've done they're gonna find
A place for you
And just you mind your manners when you go.
And when you go, don't return to me, my love."
That's right.

Mama, we all go to hell.
Mama, we all go to hell.
It's really quite pleasant
Except for the smell,
Mama, we all go to hell.

2 - 3 - 4
Mama! Mama! Mama! Ohhh!
Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma...

And if you would call me your sweetheart,
I'd maybe then sing you a song

There's shit that I've done with this fuck of a gun,
You would cry out your eyes all along.

We're damned after all.
Through fortune and flame we fall.
And if you can stay then I'll show you the way,
To return from the ashes you crawl.

We all carry on (We all carry on)
When our brothers in arms are gone (When our brothers in arms are gone)
So raise your glass high
For tomorrow we die,
And return from the ashes you crawl.

Sometimes in the midst of all the chaos we often forget about those who are struggling to be there, struggling to just even show their presence even though it doesnt really matter to anyone or anything. If you ask me, I AM in that situation right now. I have no idea what is wrong, or if there is anything that is right in the first place... but I promise I'll do whatever it takes on my part to make things right. But for now I need a fucking hell lot of time, especially after the end of A Division Nationals, for which we got the champion's trophy. I cried day before yesterday because everything came down so fucking hard on me that I had no other way to let it out. NO FUCKING OTHER WAY! I feel so lonely, and during all this everyone else is being at their selfish best. How am I supposed to get well? How am I supposed to get over this crying bullshit? I dont know and I really dont have any idea. But from what I can see or do... I will be having a lot of sleepless nights and tiring days ahead of me. I dont really know how much that means for YOU, but if it does... even a bit, then please TALK to me.
hate this feeling that keeps coming back again and again. I know I am a looser, LIFE you dont have to PROVE it to me again and again.

FUCK OFF LIFE
PISS OFF EVERYONE

The world is so bloody selfish especially you...
hate these selfish people and this selfish world.

:(

2009-05-12T23:34:00.001+08:00

Explosions in the sky - Your hand in mine

A glimpse into your eyes
A new certainty
A more serious love
Our future together
Your heart in mine
Time spent in eternity
Eternity is not forever
Bittersweet remembrance
Together in eternity
I'll never forget
Your hand in mine.

just love it...

"i rather know,
i'm going all wrong,
than to know,
i'm not going
anywhere at all

so where am i
in this spectrum?
for all i know is
that i'm not moving
forward at all."

2009-05-11T11:17:00.002+08:00

Its
too late
The scars are healed
Now I know how I feel and
Now
I know
That you lied all along
That it was so wrong

So, Now I try
Not, to cry
Its over now
And here is how

Because its the end
The story is over
No we can't be friends
Not when I'm this broken
So this tragic
Love story
I don't know how It can
But this time I'm sure
It's the end

So walk
away
I'm no longer a
Damsel in distress
Now I'm such a mess and
This is
The final page
The climax of this story
I'm sorry if its boring

So, burn this book
Get rid of these
Memories
I dont know how
Long it took
To get over this
I know I wont miss this

Because its the end
The story is over
No we can't be friends
Not when I'm this broken
So this tragic
Love story
I don't know how It can
But this time I'm sure
It's the end

So turn the final page
I'm exiting the stage cause it
Hurts to much to stay
Cause I'm wasting away
I just wish now that
You throw this book away

Because its the end
The story is over
No we can't be friends
Not when I'm this broken
So this tragic
Love story
I don't know how It can
But this time I'm sure
It's the end

i m always there..
please dont leave..
i m waiting and i'll never give up
coz u are special,
and i can lose everything
because u r the only one i wanna keep...

say something,
i m dying to hear...
smile a bit,
i m dying to see
be with me,
i m dying to find happiness..

uuuurrrrggghhh...
i m thinking too much..

2009-05-08T01:52:00.002+08:00

Everytime, I think of You
Even in these confused times, when the world is nothing but chaotic, I know that somethings are crystal clear and no matter how random they sound they always seem to make sense... because you are the You I think of, EVERYTIME. and I am sorry for tonight, I know i was being an idiot. Dont lose your cool. You mean a lot to me. :) I DID THE RIGHT THING. WHEN WILL YOU?

Everytime I see those eyes,
I feel like putting up my heart
at your knees,
Everytime I see that smile,
I feel like looking at the moon
and telling it - "Ha, you are not even close."
Everytime I hear that heart beat,
I seem to get that feeling, to do anything
to make it beat forever and ever.

Everytime I see you look at me,
I feel like freezing that moment,
and when you smile with that - "ooooh, I just cant seem to close my eyes"
Everytime you hit me,
I feel like being hit again and again,
Everytime you say "I dunno"
I feel like forgetting everything I know,
just to try and think like you.

Everytime you become silent,
I feel like screaming,
to break that "nothingness"
Everytime you laugh like a choking bird,
I feel like being that bird
who is saved by you,
Everytime I hold your cold hands,
I feel like holding an angels'
that powers me,
that strengthens me,
that gives me the reason,
to even die for you

But when I look at time,
I imagine the ticks and tocks of that clock,
running and pacing me,
and with every thomping move -
KILLING ME inside,
because I'll never know,
what you feel inside, whether it is the true nature,
or is it chaotic
and so when I die,
just do these few things
and I might live on and on in your heart...

Open your eyes, and smile
and let your heart beat and feel mine,
Look at me, and silently laugh at
all the times we've had together.
Squeeze your hands through mine and
hold them tight so that I know
you are there to pull me.

I am sorry.
I know I am idiot.
But know that no matter what,
I AM ALWAYS THERE.
WAITING FOR THAT MOVE..
waiting for that smile... with a smile.
:)

2009-05-03T13:30:00.002+08:00

RJ, stop emoing.... it doesnt make a fucking difference... i have no idea when you'll actually try to look at ur own situation from a different angle???
come on man...

i cant understand these complexities, never ever before this did u label everything in silence. But why now?? tell me abt it... i m dying to listen.
wanna rewind time?? huh?? well i'll tell you what...i wanna do that, in fact i m desperate to do that...so that i could have never done those things that i did... which is making me lose you...making u slowly drift away and away.... which is eating me inside... and i have no way to let it out... no way... it is making my heart heavier...heavier heavier... :(

i really dont mind when things dont happen the way, they are s'posed to... i mean, ya.. it does hurt inside somewhere deep... but i really dont mind... as long as you are contempt with it...as long you are satisfied..

why in the midst of those fucktards...do you have to pretend to be someone else?? why..??
dont.. please dont.. :(

i want the earlier to come back...
oh i still remember that awesome time...

but maybe things just dont go the way you want it to go... and i know i cant have everything in the world...
but to me, for once, i felt i had everything... but after that horrible sunshine,
everything just changed...
the fucking game started playing against me, and no matter what i tried to do, i felt alone. coz SILENCE prevailed...

all those failed conversations... all those texts and talks that i thought might tell me what happened... it just doesnt seem to work...

if what i told u is what you are thinking about...then please...DONT THINK ABOUT IT...
i mean if i really wanted replies for it... i would have done that LONG AGO!!!! coz as i always say before the idiot, crazy, weird, insane, idiot, dumbo person that i am, i m always something else before it and that is, to me the source that keeps me going.... HAPPINESS is my first priority... i just wanted to let you know thats all.. uuuuurrrrrrggggghhhhh i need to talk... shit!!

anyways about other stuff

oh
and for that idiot all you can do or say is "fuck off" (i mean, even though you dont even know the meaning of the words, which is quite ironical in a way but ya... for that - HAHA).. i mean everyone knows you are selfish, so why not try surprising people someday... Well, i know i had wrong perceptions, and i too am a vicitm of it, but none the less, all your "if u are...." blah blah crap is nothing but an abuse.. which also reflects your damned selfishness...

anyways i cant explain how i m feeling right now....but i think it is the best i can do for the moment...

I'LL EDIT THIS POST LATER ON.

2009-05-03T08:42:00.002+08:00

Oh baby here comes the sound!
I took a train outta New Orleans and they shot me full of ephedrine.
This is how we like to do it in the murder scene.
Can we settle up the score?

If you were here I'd never have a fear.
So go on live your life.
But I miss you more than I did yesterday.

You're beautiful!

Well I'm a total wreck and almost every day.
Like the firing squad or the mess you made.
Well don't I look pretty walking down the street.
In the best damn dress I own?

If you were here I'd never have a fear.
So go on live your life.
But I miss you more than I did yesterday.
You're so far away.
So c'mon show me how.
'Cause I mean this more than words can ever say.

Some might say we are made from the sharpest things you say
We are young and we don't care. (oh whoa ow)
Your dreams and your hopeless hair. (oh whoa ow)
We never wanted it to be this way.
For all our lives.
Do you care {at all}?

If you were here I'd never have a fear.
So go on live your life.
But I miss you more than I did yesterday.
You're so far away.
So c'mon show me how.
'Cause I mean this more than words can ever say.

(What'd you call me?)
(Well, there's no way I'm kissing that guy)

ya guys... just get the idea why this was put up...
haiz...

rj stop emoing for goodness sake...
it fucking doesnt matter coz even if u are doing for "whtevr reasons u have", the "reason" doesnt even know you are sad. Instead...
TALK god damn it!!!!

uuurrrrggghhh..
i m such a loser..

2009-04-28T20:43:00.000+08:00

Long ago
Just like the hearse you die to get in again
We are so far from you

Burning on just like a match you strike to incinerate
The lives of everyone you know
And what's the worst you take (worst you take)
from every heart you break (heart you break)
And like the blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well I've been holding on tonight

What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

Came a time
When every star fall brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold
And what's the worst you take (worst you take)
from every heart you break (heart you break)
And like the blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well I've been holding on tonight

What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
And if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

Can you hear me?
Are you near me?
Can we pretend to leave and then
We'll meet again
When both our cars collide?

What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
And if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

hmmm..
wow!

for someone

2009-04-08T20:15:00.014+08:00

I came like the wind;
I’ll go away like a breeze.
As though I was never meant to be.

My mind's weird, I too am weird
but never has reality ever affected it.
My heart was the weaker one,
and every little moment, it wanted to keep.

When I think of what caught up with me so fast,
I don’t really know the answer,
but if I think about the time, the stars were named,
I can only think of you.

I can die to see that smile,
but when somehow,
you don’t seem to notice
I just seem to lose mine.

I know I won’t give up,
coz that is how
I wanted things to be,
but in the run for
the desires and expectations
someone seems to fade away,
in the darkness of those thoughts.

whenever I see what I don’t want to see
whenever I hear what I don’t want to hear
whenever I feel what I don’t want to feel
I just seem like shouting,
the scream of silence.
The scream of sadness.
And I know I make things weird,
make u find urself in weird situations,

but...

I know, I am sorry.

I don’t know how you made your way through,
but I do know that you'll never feel alone now,
I won’t let.

You gave me the strength
to become myself again.
and it just feels nice,
even when I think of you

but I doubt things are
the same on your side,
coz u never let me know
coz u keep secrets very close

I want to reach out
to that sweet little heart of yours
to give it the support it needs,
and the love it deserves.

I want to hold your baby-hands,
day and night,
smiles and joys, in rain and in pain

my thoughts are shut tight,
deep within me
my hearts asking for a way out
and it can’t see anything from here.

I don’t know what happened...
in those years,
when i wasnt around,
but i know it wasn't easy.
I can see it on your face,
I can see it in your eyes,
I can see it in your heart,
and I can see it in your mind.

Will you come with me
away from this planet, far away?
Deeper into the space, where nobody can see
and all there would be, it’s just you and me.
Is it fear or my strength that drives me?
Is it love or pain that kills me?
Is it emotions or expressions that save me?
I question till my weak heart melts,
but I won’t let the world weaken it completely,
coz there is something present there,
which I don’t want to lose..
And well I think if not everyone,
at least u should know it’s YOU!

I am scared that,
time will break the threads
that link us from head to toe,
time will come and force us apart,
and I don’t have the courage to fight that.
I know I’d still do whatever I can...but
i know in my mind.
I'll lose.
Will I then, be able to save my heart?
Will I then, be able to tell you... that
you were the first,
and the last one on my charts?

IT always comes as a surprise,
and a hurting surprise at that...
maybe you dont realise that,
I do feel it that way.
I won’t leave you;
I want to stay in your heart and mind
forever.

But
I know, I am already dead.

revive me, save me
bring me back to life,
and I’ll be the one for you
no matter how hard things be,
I’ll always be there for you.

you are the that thought I’d love to carry in my mind,
you are the blood I’d love to run in my heart,
you are the breath I’d love to feel as the wind blows into my face,
yours' is the beauty I’d love to remember forever...

like that one little star in the center.

You are my waking dream
You're all that's real to me
You are the magic in the world I see

You are the prayer I sing
You brought me to my knees
You are the faith that made me believe

Dreams on Fire
Higher and Higher
Passions burning bright on the pyre
One spark forever yours
Give me all your heart
Dreams on Fire
Higher and Higher

You are my ocean waves
You are my thought each day
You are the laughter from childhood games

You are the spark of dawn
You are where I belong
You are the ache I feel in every song

Maybe I should never have told you,
Maybe then would I not be so angry with myself.
Maybe then my confessions wouldn't have been...
so brutally painful.

I wanna know what you feel,
Cause that is what will pacify me,
That is what will bring me up again,
I am a dreamer and I dream a lot,
But when you don't seem to speak,
it all just feels like a mirage.

When in the darkness I'll cry,
When in the brightness I'll strive to see you smile,
When in the rain I'll seek to give you shelter,
When in pain I'll die to give you love.

(every star was centered around this)

PS. - THE POEM ISNT FINISHED. I'LL WAIT UNTIL THE POET UPDATES.

hehe
i know its very unexpected.
but i think "some" of the things are definitely relevant..

i was thinking about the "past" and somehow, things feel weird..
is 2 years that short of a time..??? i wonder..

maybe u'd undrstnd.

:(

2009-04-06T23:14:00.002+08:00

as i look down that path..
it feels different now...

a bit darker...than what i expected..
ya..

i know it wasnt easy..
even though the end is near, physically yes...

but this is not where we end..
this is not where we stop..

we go beyond than where our imagination takes us.
we go beyond that last lap..
we go beyond everything.

i m sorry if u think, i was inefficient
but thats definitely not what i intended, or even wish for.

i know you can look deep inside me,
and when u do that,
i know YOU know, i m serious
:)

yes..
Open your eyes, and see around... everything is for you to get...for you to want...and for you to love.

that was for you!
Sandesh
:)

2009-04-05T21:47:00.002+08:00

u were that narrow minded...
OMfG!

seriously...
grow up and learn to appreciate truth more than the web of lies thts filling your mind!

:(

2009-04-04T20:50:00.004+08:00

Happy Fuckin' 17th Birthday!!

why dont i just get myself a tag saying
Beware: Causes trouble and extreme sadness for people within a 10m radius.

I mean, WTF!!
seriously..

i thought maybe it would turn out to be the best day of my life...
i mean, all this and that...
but

with the appearance of those fucking rays of the sun...everything just crashed into each other...
and all was gone...
puff...

FUCK!!!
bloody hell..
i m gonna beat the crap out of that person....if i get to him tomorrow...
and trust me, that might just be his last day...

i mean,
birthday's are s'posed to be a day when u are happy and all into yourself..
but guess what..

i started the fucking day by crying...
and crying over what???

over the most pissing thing i could have done to anyone..
why the bloody hell did i had to invite...
i mean, as if i m not screwed enough that now i m determined to screw other people's lives...

i think, this life is just better off to be lived alone...
fucking alone...
without anyone...

anyways...
to that person,

thnx... for that!!! i'll always remember it....
but that wont stop me from expecting another one next year...

and to that fucking idiot sitting out there looking at everything as though it were movie..
lemme tell you what.., EVEN THOUGH I KNOW U FUCKING DONT EXIST.

FUCK YOU! GO GET SOME ASS INSURANCE...COZ I M GONNA KICK IT REAL HARD... AND THIS TIME ALL YOUR FREAKING DEJA VU ISN'T GONNA HELP! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF UR CRAP...NOW IS MY TIME TO RUN SOME SHOWS AROUND HERE.

FEAR ME!
I AM COMING!

well i s'pose y'all now know that...i m fucking pissed and angry..

there is always a soft side...
always a different perspective....

no matter what..
i wont leave you....

and what i say to you is true...and i'll abide them till i die...
ya

but the only thought going through my mind is the fact that whether i should just give up...
i ve given you enough reasons to be sad..

i made u go crazy..
i made o go insane..
and maybe i made u ..... maybe i just did..

hell..
i dont wanna talk about anything now..
i hope mom and dad understand...

have to study for the test...
freak..

cant wait to get my jersey on Monday!

:(

happiness come back...
night come back..i wanna fight the darkness again...

fuck off!

Hello darkness, my old friend,

Ive come to talk with you again,

Because a vision softly creeping,

Left its seeds while I was sleeping,

And the vision that was planted in my brain

Still remains

Within the sound of silence.

so let me get this straight
you say now you loved me all along
what made you hesitate
to tell me with words what you really feel
i can see it in your eyes you mean all of what you say
i remember so long ago, see i felt that same way
now we both have separate lives and lovers (and lovers)
insignificantly enough we both have significant others

only time will tell
time will turn and tell

we are who we were when
could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
we are who
we are who we were when
who knew what we know now
could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend
we are who
we are who we were when

but thoughts they change and times they rearrange i don't know who you are anymore
loves come and go and this i know i'm not who you recall anymore
but i must confess you're so much more then i remember
can't help but entertain these thoughts
thoughts of us together

we are who we were when
could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
we are who
we are who we were when
who knew what we know now
could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend
we are who
we are who we were when

my day late friend

so let me get this straight
all these years and you were nowhere to be found
and now you want me for your own
but you're a day late and my love, she's still renowned

we are who we were when
could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
we are who
we are who we were when
who knew what we know now
could've been more but at least you're still my day late friend
we are who
we are who we were when

2009-03-30T22:05:00.003+08:00

if only words could express what i m feeling right now...
i would've shouted them out in the darkest nights..
if only i hadn't done what i did,
i would be a bit more happier than what i m right now...

FUCK sandesh

i dont wanna lose you...

2009-03-29T17:51:00.003+08:00

Hold On

I've known you through the years
I've shared with you all my fears
Then one day
I had to go away
Leaving you behind
Hoping that I can find
A way
For you to talk to me another day
I hope you're fine
But, I want you to be alive
So we can another time
One more time

Hold on
Just a little bit Longer
Hold On
I know you're stronger
Hold On
You're life isn't through yet
Cause what you see isn't what you get
I'll help you in any way I can
I only hope that what I do
Will help you to get through
This
I'm not ready to miss you-oo

Come on pull away
Fight to live another day
I have so much left to do
So much to go through
But I know I can
Stand up and shake your hand
If you're gone
I will be sad for far too long

So come on
Stay awake
Come on
Don't be late
Don't follow the light
Stand up and fight
I know you will beat the odds someday
Let that day, be today

Hold on
Just a little bit Longer
Hold On
I know you're stronger
Hold On
You're life isn't through yet
Cause what you see isn't what you get
I'll help you in any way I can
I only hope that what I do
Will help you to get through
This
I'm not ready to miss you-oo

hmm... nice right??? well...thts just the thought i had in mind after reading it..
yes..

haha
well..
last week was fun..
nothing interesting happened...
but still it was fun..

MusicFest 09 audition was good..
we performed well...even though i couldnt hear a single thing what the others were playing...and therefore i have no idea how i played... but i think it should have been ok..
yea

haha
i need to study..aahh..
econs test this week..

omg..
floorball tournament at NUS was just pissing... i mean sersiously..we played like shit!!!
like literally SHIT! Yan was extremely pissed off... even though we managed to clinch the top prize amongst the other JC's but we dint play upto the mark... it dint seem like the

VJ brand of Floorball...

yea..
haha

i scored on a penalty..woohoo..

start..go go go go, decide...
fake fake fake fake

and

pah..
shoot

GOAL!!! yay..
i was very happy...but i really dint want that happiness to come to my face coz i was very annoyed by the way we were playing the game...

ya..

haha...
lets talk abt something else..

di's been acting weird again...and i have no idea why!! come on.. i guess.. we really need to talk about it...i mean seriously... i think i need to do some brain surgery without physical contact..
haha reminds me of the Bulshido video..
lol

ya..
that moment was just awesome...i mean they always are...and i guess, this will turn out to be something special i guess..
i m waiting for it..

i just am..

oh and ya...i know this has nothing to do with any of the stuff thts here...and that the persons' not even gonna read it..but still..

thnx rh! :)

haha..
haha
lol

ok i need to go back to facebook to chat...its been quite a while since i replied..

haha
so...

bbye

LOL!

:)

lets see wht the following week has in store for me..

2009-03-18T16:35:00.002+08:00

wow..
floorball camp was FUUUUNNN!!!

it was just awesome.. i cant believe...i lasted!! haha
4 intensive trainings in 2 days... with suicides after 2 of 'em.. can suck the hell out of anyone...

but i feel i play better now.. my passes have improved...i keep my stick on the ground... i m more confident of my shots, i corrected my drag shots and... I CAN TURN DRAG. i wish i make it to the free hit line..
yay..

coach carter was a good movie... quite inpirational...and now we know where Yan gets his ideas for trainings..
lol..

haha..

A div is about a month ahead...and the other schools are really stepping out of their limits to win it..
MJ girls are training in Perth... TJ thinks they can beat us...

well..
i really dont care what they think..
all i know that vj's so so so so gonna kick ass'es this season..

our jersey's have been sent for printing... woohoo 57 57 57 57 57 57 57 57 57 57
thnx for helping me choose the number..

got my jersey shorts today..
Adidas Tropy Shorts Black with sunshine strips..

its just awesome..
yay..cant wait for the jersey t-shirt and jacket...

i m very very very tired now.. and a bit angry with someone..
but nvr mind.. i'll be ok..
haha lol..

well i hv no idea wht is going on in angel's mind...srsly..
i mean, whts happening to her?? aarrrggghhh... why is she becoming someone i nevr expected her to be...
maybe its just coz of me...
or maybe there is some other reason..

i want to go roller blading.. long time... :(
ya... maybe i'll clear out stuff then...

anyways found these 2 extremely sick videos...

haha...
if u dont think there is anything sick about it, and if u were a censiorship board member & passed these videos with a clean chit.. then i 'd like to say..

CONGRATULATIONS ON STAYING SO CLEAN!.
yeah
haha

anyways..

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment babay sing with me
We're just one big family
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, not yours
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Scooch on over closer dear
And i will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This oh this this is out fate, I'm yours!

Sandesh

"When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid."

2009-03-15T14:34:00.002+08:00

happy holi idiots..

"i'll never ever trust you with any secrets and that is my word."

i m going blind day by day!

:(

want is not included in my list of needs...

2009-03-10T19:43:00.003+08:00

wow...
u had to say that right??

i mean, i know u sucked..
but dint know the situation was THAT bad..

i mean srsly...
thr are like a hundred and zillion things you dint tell me abt..., and by the way u define that screwed up loser word, i think you should consider labeling urself one than me..

some people just have to behave like retards... seriously...
wth..

and i really dont have any problems saying this to you anymore..
you just suck at making decisions... like seriously..
YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A SELFISH DUMBASS...

anyways... let me just try to forget that..
waiting for di to reply... maybe she'd help..
i want to go ECP.. aaarrrrgggghhh....

di...whts happening to u? why r u changing so much so suddenly?
why is there this weird feeling in me...telling me that you are angry again...!! :( fuck!!
and the reason i care so much about this feeling is cause it has always ended up being true..

well somehow... this fact was just proved wrong...
yay! haha, but even then..

why are 'things' drifting apart..
why?

i dont want that to happen...

yeah...
well

to talk about other things..

OMG was that frame-captured-by-my-eye beautiful or what!!! it just seemed so beautiful...i wanted to take a picture...but dint get the permission(dint hv good enough instrument)... AWWW :( i know..i know..

seemed like a movie scene from the movie twilight...
yeah...with the moon and the tree...and the dark background...
but it was awesome and totally beautiful..

but it was just nice..
and no matter the picture got saved into my mind...like forever. and i'll never forget it..
NEVER!

its just like di, its just like koala, like chimp, its just like rhn, like rj, like xc
people i'll never ever ever ever ever evr forget!!!...

<3 u all..
aahhh... i need a hug!!! :')
anyone..???

aww..
haha..

but i am happy..

wow..
mom told me something.. i wont say it out here..
but i m happy for my parents...their dreams are finally gonna come true...
:)

haha...
i think thts all for today's post..
i'll try update more regularly..
gtg study..
haha

math..
|_()|_

yay..

bb

Cyberbeast..
MOOD: SAD :(

2009-03-08T12:30:00.002+08:00

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side
You know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No, I won't give in

Keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late
This could all disappear
Before the door's closed
And it comes to an end
With you by my side
I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend, yeah, yeah

Keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

Hear me when I say
When I say I believe.
Nothing's gonna change
Nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be
Will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
La da da da, la da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

Ahh, ahh
Keep holding on
Ahh, ahh
Keep holding on
There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

hope u dont miss me.., coz
I DO!

its tht feeling in me, that settles back to remember all the times we've had, but then...
i feel so lonely..

come back! pls come back...,

i'll wait for you at the door steps..
i'll wait for you at the start of the road..
i'll wait for you at that base of the mountain,

which made me fall in love with you..

i miss all the times..
i miss all the memories..

jan 2, 2007 - Come back!

:(
lets unite...

sandesh

2009-03-01T15:59:00.003+08:00

it is so difficult to go away...
a night worth of risks and a day worth of challenges
if i had eyes maybe that is all i could've seen

maybe you should come back,
and the winds shall blow again,
blow right into my face,
and make me go free..

i hate being the prisoner
of this freaking misery,
it is really hard to keep everything inside,
when you know it'll never precede.

aaahh fuck it! i have so much to say, but there is no one to listen..
the pressure is killing me...
i need to tell someone..

but, maybe when the day is bright..

wooohoo.... this is my 200th post. (bt its so not how i felt when it was my first one..)
so many things have changed and gone by..but all these moments just dont seem to flea..

aaahhh..

"I am sorry. It would have been better if we wouldn't have met. None of this would have happened."
"Look at me, I'd rather die tomorrow, than to live a hundred years without knowing you."
and all those that i have lived until now without you, was a journey i took, just to know you.
you mean that much to me.

If I Never Knew You
Pocahontas Soundtrack

If I never knew you
If I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of
How precious life can be
And if I never held you
I would never have a clue
How at last I'd find in you
The missing part of me
In this world so full of fear
Full of rage and lies
I can see the truth so clear
In your eyes
So dry your eyes
And I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you

If I never knew you
I'd be safe but half as real
Never knowing I could feel
A love so strong and true
I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you

I thought our love would be so beautiful

Somehow we made the whole world bright

I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong
All they'd leave us where these whispers in the night
But still my heart is singing
We were right

If I never knew you
If I never knew this love
I would have no inkling of
How precious life can be

There's no moment I regret
Since the moment that we met
If our time has gone too fast
I've lived at last...

I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we'd make the whole world bright

I thought our love would be so beautiful
We'd turn the darkness into light

And still my heart is singing
We were right

We were right
And If I never knew you
I'd have lived my whole life through

Empty as the sky

Never knowing why
Lost forever
If I never knew you

"I cant leave you."
"You never will. No matter what happens to me, I'll always be with you... Forever."

Sandesh
:(

2009-02-28T11:31:00.003+08:00

"i wish i could have given more than you could have ever imagined..
wish i could have given you that voice to your heart, so as to get inside it and defeat all the evilness in it."

i have no idea what it is.. i really dont. i wont even force you to tell me, either.
i faintly know what is making you think so much about it. But i have no idea why YOU are giving so much to it, when you know you dont...

then why bother about it anyways??

i cant understand it..

and sadly enough, i feel like a failure AGAIN.
i have no idea how to make things better..
i have no idea how to tell people about it..
coz its just something people are not gonna appreciate..

BUT
there is no way i am gonna let it go..

i mean come on..
i m not the one who'll give up..

"ITS NEVER about me... if it was, then i'd be snoring on my bed. Its about you, and thats why i'll sacrifice everything, me included."

If you wanna cry, tell me we'll cry together
if you wanna scream, tell me we scream together
if you wanna laugh, tell me i'll make you laugh even more
if you wanna let go of your smile, tell me & i'll die to protect it.

thts how much you mean to me..
but somehow you just dont realise that..
or perhaphs that is what i feel.

i feel sad and helpless (same qualities as of a perfect FAILURE).... i felt like screaming..
and i meant it..
but,

never mind...

the day you'll realise why i m doing all this, maybe then would you cry your heart out, OUT OUT OUT.
evn though i dont want you to cry but i definitely want that day to come..
this is so freaking painful..

anyways,
yesterday was quite fun. Cross Country was fun... i came in 161th (personal best) of the 800+ guys. yeah!!
my house came in second overall.. floorball was second runners up for Inter CCA run.

RP match was also quite tensed. its way different when u play against a bunch of National players... but none the less, i hope i learnt something out of it..got banged by 2 guys together...that was seriously the worst of it..

i assisted one goal, for which i am really happy abt, i guess, i could have played better.

went ecp after coming back...went to the viewing point, ended up being called to th ehostel to meet some guy. i'll go there again... its freaking relaxing.

came back to the hostel, found about the weird incident that happened....went up and slept.

i feel like an idiot (i have no idea, why i need to feel like one...)

today is hindi CA1 and i have no idea what is gonna happen..

i'll keep a cool mind..and go through everything, but i'll need you by my side di.
yeah..

:(

We Are One Tonight
Switchfoot

Check!

Tonight!

Tonight!

I'll rise
I'll fall
I'll fail you all

We built these cities to stand so tall
We've lost our walls

I don't want to lose it, coming down
With the whole world upside-down
I don't have a soul to trust in now
With the whole world upside-down

We are one, tonight!
And we're singing it out!
We are one, tonight!
And we're dreaming out loud!

And the world is flawed
But these scars will heal

We are one, tonight!
Tonight!
Tonight!

Two eyes
One tongue
I've come
Undone

I'm no victim
I paid these dues
I came to lose

I don't want to fight about it now
With the whole world upside-down
I don't have a soul to trust in, now
With the whole world upside-down

We are one, tonight!
And we're singing it out!
We are one, tonight!
And we're dreaming out loud!

And the world is flawed
But these scars will heal

We are one, tonight!
Tonight!
Tonight!
Tonight!
Tonight!
Tonight!

I don't want to lose a common ground
With the whole world upside-down
I don't want to fight about it now
And the world was burning out

Let's slow the evening down
Slow it down
Slow down
Please slow down
Down
Down

The stars are comin' out!

We are one
We are one
We are one
We are one tonight
We are one tonight
And were singing it out
We are one tonight
And were dreaming out loud
And the world is flawed,
But these scars will heal!

Tallulah
Sonata Arctica

Remember when we used to look how sun sets far away?
And how you said: "This is never over"
I believed your every word and I guess you did too
But now you're saying : "Hey, let's think this over"

You take my hand and pull me next to you, so close to you
I have a feeling you don't have the words
I found one for you, kiss your cheek, say bye, and walk away
Don't look back 'cause I am crying...

I remember little things you hardly ever do
Tell me why
I don't know why it's over
I remember shooting stars, the walk we took that night
I hope your wish came true, mine betrayed me

You let my hand go, and you fake a smile for me
I have a feeling you don't know what to do
I look deep in your eyes and hesitate a while...
Why are you crying?

Tallulah, It's easier to live alone than fear the time it's over, oo-ooh...
Tallulah, find the words and talk to me, oh, Tallulah,
This could be... heaven

I see you walking hand in hand with long-haired drummer of the band
In love with her or so it seems, he's dancing with my beauty queen
Don´t even dare to say you hi, still swallowing the goodbye
But I know the feelings still alive, still alive

I lost my patience once, so do you punish me now
I'll always love you, no matter what you do
I'll win you back for me if you give me a chance
But there is one thing you must understand

Tallulah, It´s easier to live alone than fear the time it´s over
Tallulah, find the words and talk to me ,oh, Tallulah,
This could be...

Tallulah, It´s easier to live alone than fear the time it´s over
Tallulah, find the words and talk to me ,oh, Tallulah,
This could be...

:(

2009-02-25T21:22:00.003+08:00

"tht was magical."

like seriously, i had the same feeling myself.
wow... it felt really good.
i mean, when you really want something, and you get it the way you wanted it..
just feels so nice..

and it happened to me during 4.8k also. haha..

i really have no idea why you are being so paranoid.. i m so not what you are labelling me of...
come on!! you have been through these situations urself....but still you dont wanna try and understand whts going on around. since when did u become so biased to the side, YOU ALWAYS HATED? i dont get it...but all i know is, i am not hiding anything from you. i m still the same old person... but if that is how you DONT wanna see me, i cant do anything much about it. I'll always give you the way, its always upto you to go where YOU want to go.

deceive... i guess the characters need to be revolved..
whts wrong with u...srsly??? you are s'posed to be the one being here on my side..
come on di..

Called somebody after a very very very long time..
haha. fun conversation.. yeah!

i really dont know how to describe this... haha, but i guess, its quite upto what i wanted it to be like.

things change, meanings still remain the same.
if U had been considerate enough, you would understand..
but now that ur mind is all goofed, i have no idea whether U'd be able to clear up the mess you have made for yourself.

haha

I cant wait for Friday's friendly against RP. I wanna see their campus...
i cant wait for A Division also.

On The Wings of a Butterfly

Your friendship is special
Like the flowers that bloom,
Or when a butterfly emerges
From within its cocoon...

You remind me of that butterfly,
Loving and free,
Bright and colorful,
For the world to see...

We will share sunshine and rainbows;
Sometimes, the rain and the snow;
We'll stand together through it,
While the cold winds blow...

When the time is right,
We won't stop to ask "Why?"
Our friendship will take flight
On the wings of a butterfly ...

haiz... i miss people

"I am the one being deceived. What are your other options player, sly dog ain't the only one?"

i feel low..somebody cheer me up please..
i need my di. but she's lost in her own thoughts..

:(

Hastalavista
CyberBeast

2009-02-23T01:28:00.008+08:00

today i witnessed something...
something that can make the hardest hearts melt,
the strongest legs shiver (and it did happen with me, but not implying that my legs are strong)

i was shivering....or atleast my legs were!! I dont know why, but i guess, i found myself in the middle of nowhere...

It was just as magical, and i seriously mean it. i know it sounds really weird from a person like me, but i couldnt help noticing these 2 people like almost the whole time they were together... everything else seemed blur to me.

I could see those tears, those drops that felt like blood dripping from a wound. I know how it feels.... I have felt it a lot of times myself also. But today just reminded me of it again..it just refreshed everything in my mind.

I really had no way to comfort, no way to help out. Nothing at all. If i had one damned wish to ask for, i'd ask for somebody to never leave someone.. even though i dont know this somebody.., i know someone a bit, but i wont bother. i'll just ask for this somebody to stay on forever. Cause trust me, I CAN NOT SEE YOU SAD (NO MATER WHAT THE F'kin REASON MAY BE) and i guess, now the same applies to somebody as well. I freaking ended up bugging someone to eat. i mean COME ON!
I really wish i could do something for them, and i guess, the "mysterious thing" that i plan to do might be one of the things i can do for them. I need to talk to somebody about it. I need somebody's voice for the actual effect. coz without it.. there's just no meaning to it..

i definitely understand, what all you had to go through (regardless of whether you tell me abt it or not) but someone has to be strong. As i said, you are never alone. Even somebody is also there with you. You just have to know it in your mind. thats all...
and i know you will..

somebody and someone rock!! srsly! and i am really not ashamed of actually confessing that, even though i'd probably never say that directly.

anyways, i m feeling sleepy now...
so i'll end off here.

msg to somebody:
thnx somebody. dont worry someone will be taken care of. someone is in good hands.

lol..
i am going all random again...never mind..

i'll update again, if possible.
but for now...
SAYONARA!

adios
Sandesh

Song of the Day:

Graduation (Friends Forever)
Vitamin C

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love
But it came too soon
And there was me and you
And then we got real blue
Stay at home talking on the telephone
We would get so excited and we'd get so scared
Laughing at ourselves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels

As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come Whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever

So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels

As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come Whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever

La, la, la, la:
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la:
We will still be friends forever

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come Whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever

As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come Whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever

As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come Whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever

specially dedicated to someone and somebody!!
:)

2009-02-19T21:12:00.004+08:00

i m just speechless...
at one moment i was thinking that i might be able to help you cheer up,
but the next i failed to do so..

i m such a FAILURE. i guess, i just cant help it.
i do give a damn, people.

ya..

"I saw the bomb in your mind, the fire in your eyes and the timer in your smile but i still dont fear anything, coz i also saw the detonator in your heart"

i wanna get along...with the surprises and the truth...
and the "I dont know" 's hahaha

but its unique, aarrrggghh...

anyways this is what i was referring to..
No matter what happens my shadow will always be with you. And if you really believe in me and trust me, you'll realise there is no fucking way anything would ruin our friendship... you'll always be surrounded by this very thin blanket of people who'll always be there to support you and cheer you! even though you may not be able to see anything, there is "something" that is always there. even if you are wrong, the blanket will be around you, or atleast THIS thread of it would definitely be. You are never alone. You never were.

I"LL ADD MORE. CHECK OUT AGAIN LATER...

:)

2009-02-14T17:46:00.001+08:00

everything is so blur. like those times when you know something is there...but still you cant find it..

i m very very nervous... and i dont think the reason is hidden. maybe not for everyone..
yeah..

and just a while ago, after reading something... i m about to crash down..
it was just like those ending scores which hint you that the movie is about to be over..

it was exactly like that..
i have no idea how i m s'posed to react to this.

every decision is like those old weighing scales, when it starts tilting more towards one side.. the other side almost gives up trying to pull its own side down.

and this question just keeps popping in my head.. WHY?

WHY AGAIN? Where did i lag behind? its just so now what i had expected..

cheer up man... i mean you do deserve it. but just if in any case you feel dissatisfied pls do back out. i'll be very happy.

uuuurrrgggghhhH!!!
i m just confused...

f ew all!
like srsly!

:(

2009-02-09T00:20:00.003+08:00

watched Slumdog Millionaire today...
its an awesome movie...

no wonder it has been nominated for about 10 awards at the Oscars'.

yea...

anyways... had a tiring day today...
badminton...b'fast....slack....lunch...practice....dinner.....practice....relax...slack...NOW
haha

interesting right??
haha

not really..
so now tomorrow is the first day of school.. and i m extremely nervous..how its gonna turn out to be..
i dont wanna leave v11... it really feels like parting with ur brothers and sisters...
i just hope we could have stayed as a single IP class, like the way they do in TJ. (as wht i have heard from ppl)

yeah..

aah..
nvr mind i'll sleep now.
too tired..

bb
nights..

"Cooling it solidifies it, time takes care of the rest and the would will heal in a snap"

Cyberbeast

2009-02-06T01:14:00.002+08:00

i dont know why its so difficult to let you know the simplest of things in my heart...like srsly! i know direct communication isnt always possible but still..

some "ppl" just kicked me right now..
straight on my face..

i just want to pretend you never sent me tht sms... its so difficult..it just is..

the game is getting more and more difficult to play.. the players are having wrong impressions of me..and i hate when that happens...

i guess if i could scream my lungs and my vocal cords out..
i'd just love to say..

"I CARE COZ I WANT TO. MAYBE U DONT KNOW WHY! COZ IT WAS JUST TO EASY FOR YOU ALL THE WAY ALONG. MORE THAN THAT YOU'D NEVER EXPECT SOMETHING LIKE THIS. THE VERY FIRST TIME ALWAYS SUCKS... AND ITS FUCKING PAINFUL. I'LL REALLY BE OUT OF MY MIND IF I STOP. I WISH YOU COULD DIVE INTO MY MIND, AND UNDERSTAND WHAT IS IN THE BLOODY PLACE.."

and i really have no idea why i m crying right now..
well to really state there are many reasons..

i miss a LOT LOT of people..
but i guess, none of them care..

maybe some do..

"The day you realise why it was important, the river would have dried up!"

FUCK!
i dont have anything else to say..

have a nice week ahead selfish people...

I Want You
Savage Garden

Anytime I need to see your face
I just close my eyes
And I am taken to a place where your crystal mind and
Magenta feelings take up shelter in the base of my spine
Sweet like a chicka cherry cola

I don't need to try to explain;
I just hold on tight
And If it happens again, I might move so slightly
To the arms and the lips and the face of the human cannonball
That I need to, I want to

Come Stand a little bit closer
Breathe in and get a bit higher
You'll never know what hit you
When I get to you

Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh, I'd die to find out
Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh I'd die to find out

I'm the kind of person who endorses a deep commitment
Getting comfy getting perfect is what I live for
But a look, and then a smell of perfume
It's like I'm down on the floor
And I Don't know what I'm in for

Conversation has a time and place
In the interaction of a lover and a mate,
But the time of talking, using symbols, using words
Can be likened to a deep sea diver who is swimming with a raincoat

Come stand a little bit closer
Breathe in and get a bit higher
You'll never know what hit you
When I get to you

Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh, I'd die to find out
Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh I'd die to find out

Oooooh yeah, oooh yeah

Anytime I need to see your face
I just close my eyes
And I am taken to a place where your crystal mind and
Magenta feelings take up shelter in the base of my spine
Sweet like a chicka cherry cola

I don't need to try to explain;
I just hold on tight
And If it happens again, I might move so slightly
To the arms and the lips and the face of the human cannonball
That I need to, I want you

Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh, I'd die to find out
Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh I'd die to find out

So can we find out?

Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh, I'd die to find out
Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh I'd die to find out

Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you
But, ooh, I'd die to find out (I'd die to find out)
Ooh, I want you
I don't know if I need you (ooh can we find out)
But, ooh I'd die to find out

2009-01-30T14:01:00.003+08:00

i cant stop thinking about you..
i just dont know why..

maybe its your presence or just my sigh!

haha,
tht rhymed..
haha

ya,
anyways things feel better now..
some small little surprises here and there..
but i think there is always some tid bits of joy to cover up for it.

but the major setback for me, is when i realised that maybe i m not the only one in the game.. and based on the small little information that i could gather, i believe somebody has already played the game... and has played it hard...
competition is always there, no matter wht u do! but i dint expect it to be so disturbing this time. I dont want to give up this time. i want to try and i am too! but i just dont think, the game is actually as responsive as it is to the other players..
its just so hard, when u actually go and try and try and get ur ass kicked for no reason..

i think i m just being a bit over expressive here, but i know its only because i dont want to lose this time. i have trained hard enough and maybe i should deserve the response i expect.

i want the game to be mine... i want to win it this time!! i never thought i'd actually even give a damn about this game, but NOW, the more i play it, the more addictive it gets.. ah i just love it. dont i? or maybe i just love it too much, to get kicked in the ARSE!

i know the game players dont like me...so dont even know me! but even then i'll try coz, i have that burning desire in me to WIN. to perhaphs get wht i want...but i dont see any chances.

ya..
talking about winning..
the IP Girls lost their first match against some "never heard b4" school... 7-2.
hmm... i won my bet against mr. chow though. i bet they'd lose 5-2. haha

anyways, for those of u who dont know this... i m not taking them for the B-Div. (in simple terms, i m not coaching them for this)

anyways, today is the announcement of the A-Div boys team. I am hoping i can get in, but my chances are little... i regret going back to India for the holidays coz of it.

i think i m really tired now..
i need some sleep b4 trg.

bbye

"be mine and you'll never regret having to have gone through so much pain until now"
(MY ORIGINAL QUOTE) lol..

but quite valid. i think i wont tell anyone abt it...
not even..

i'll add more later..
so till then

sayonara..

i ask others to be strong when i cant be strong myself. I really want to tell u something...but its more hard than ever..

i'll see,
i'll fall,
i'll get up

and still run...

FOR YOU!

Evil In A Closet
In Flames

We were one in words
You finished my sentence
I can never attract tomorrow
It pushes me aside

I sink in waters deep
Your presence kept me floating
Far from depths where secrets lie
Maybe in another lifetime
I could be the first you meet

I once read a poem
Held my breath
But that moment's gone
First time I felt life somewhat hurts
I need an option, a reason and some hope

Yell at me, I want to be your light that shines
But my ground is shaking and I might fall
I wish that I could say... I wish that I could be your evil in a closet

Yell at me, I want to be your light that shines
But my ground is shaking and I might fall
I wish that I could say... I wish that I could be your evil in a closet

2009-01-26T17:05:00.002+08:00

"How do u expect me, a blind man, to see when you yourself cant see, even though you are not blind?"

well tht does go on to tell whts been happening around me lately. ya!!

i dont know why people are like feeding themselves with crap and spitting out at me, just because they think its not tasty enough. i mean come on, you are the people who made it up (such things dont even exist) on ur own, and then why blame me for it.

anyways a quick recap of the week..

pool, cards, xbox, halo(ing), winning eleven, pet society.. yeah
haha
lolz.

went cycling with amb, sgr, ysha, smya and vshn..
i cant believe i actually remembered the path... it was so fun!! the wind, the darkness, the forest, the aeroplanes, the runway, the sea and of course the sand and the cardboards used to sleep on.. haha..

but i guess, some really NON ENTHUSIASTIC EXTREMELY SELFISH creature took some of the results for personal gains and advantages, which i find really hard to believe. Even more harder is to actually believe that another person, probably the most closest to me, actually settled up on own conclusions and without showing any sympathy for my state decided to get angry at me.... i mean come on...

pleeeeease, i m not lying and its definitely not possible for me to actually stand up against you..

maybe u r stuck inside ur own mind, which does not allow you to get out of it and look through somebody else's too. the web inside ur mind, which was ( and i always think, is) the most delicate one i have ever seen, is what made u special. i still do think u r very biased in this whole issue, but even then, i m ready to apologise (and according to what i remember...i alr did!) guess, its not cause of u, maybe its ur surroundings itself. i know and undrstnd the fact that ppl change, but nvr knew they do so much, when only a little negativeness fills (anothr person) the atmosphere.
ya..

and some basic points to remember for the week..

- NEVER TRY DIRECTLY SHOOTING INTO THE GOAL, IT ALWAYS FAILS (XBOX, WINNING 11)
- NEVER CLICK PHOTOS OF CERTAIN PPL (ANOTHER PERSON ADDED TO THE LISTS)
- NEVER EVER FORGET TO SLEEP AT NIGHT, COZ MAYBE CERTAIN PPL WOULDN'T MIND SAYING "SO WHAT IF U DINT SLEEP?" AND FORGET HOW DIFFICULT IT IS EVEN TO STAND, IF FOR SOME REASON YOU HAVE TO STAY UP.

- NEVER DO THINGS FOR OTHERS, COZ EVEN IF YOU DO (LIKE I HAVE) YOU MAY NOT BE EVEN APPRECIATED FOR IT. YOU MAY NOT EVEN BE KNOWN TO HAVE DONE IT.
HOW EASY IT IS FOR PPL TO FORGET EVERYTHING RIGHT??!?!??!

So i guess, this week would be all the more, filled up with controversies, and wrong mindsets of ppl (as if i actually give a damn) and also more sms's from someone (not me) trying to convey the very msg "FUCK OFF"...

i hope time passes by soon... sooner than thought..
cant believe i actually said that..

:(

2009-01-05T22:21:00.004+08:00

Well this would definitely be on a serious note..
or atleast i would try.

i wish i could tell someone how much u mean to me...
be it di, rj, nj, rhn, ankt, xc...

but literally i havent been able to...

there is this burning desire in me, to let out those wild feelings, and perhaps selfless emotions that i want to let out..

let them freeeee....

but, i..errr, its damn difficult.

i had a dream some days ago..

and that was what made me write this post...
i mean srsly,
it was one dream, i'd always cherish..

so i'll now talk abt the dream..
(IF U DONT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING, MOST LIKELY IT WASnt RELATED TO YOU)

i'll divide it into parts...
so here goes..

1. i was at a mall with mom, and somehow she went back home, and left me to browse thru.., haha,

and i saw somebody there...
somebody, who i was really dying to meet..

and i actually get to see the person in my DREAM!!... like wth! but never mind, not in reality, but atleast i got to meet "someone" in my dreams atleast..

but i think, it was one moment, i could have died to have dreamt off..

i just hope it can evn turn out to be reality.

//edit - this wasnt s'posed to be the original post...

at the end of all the shit that happened...i think i wouldnt want to talk abt any dreams..

everything crashed..
in the dark..
to show someone..
only to show someone,
it was left away...far far away..

i think, this is not the time to get sentimental...bt i think..

no one understands how much it means for me to be "sandesh" rated happy..

i guess, everyone is just contempt in seeing the "sacrificing sandesh" rated happiness..
well, if that is what makes them happy, then i dont have anything to say at all..

and with a god damn note,
i'd thus like to start my new year with this quote

"Fuck off _ _ _ _ _ _ _" and i guess, i should also carry a placard around displaying the quote..to fuckin' remind this retarded brain of mine to "SWITCH TO OTHER PEOPLE'S HAPPINESS SEEING QUOTIENT".....

nobody's to blame..
nobody's to answer...

i could have prevented everything all together..
i dont even know, whether these tears dropping off my cheeks are actually of fuckin happiness or the expected sadness...

all i know is that, this time....again, its the later ruling over the former..
FUCK!

i dont knw why these fuckin' lines from RNBDJ are running in my mind..

tujh mein rab dikhta hain, yaara mein kya karu!

fukSigning off..

anyways,
i m back in Singapore for those of u who dint know!

:(

2008-12-06T19:17:00.004+08:00

i see the shadows in the daylight,
and grief in the darkness,
i wanna be alone but still,
it just stalks me up and down the street.
pretty
dirty
well
everything
is twisted

and so beautifully

planned.

i want to change it. NOW!

shit... its so , so noot right...
help me.. pls

t :(

2008-12-05T22:48:00.003+08:00

Silence, I dint expect it to be so disturbingly painful to shake me up. I know there are things that did not happen, some rather "unexpected" things happening...but there is nobody to blame but ME.

I M TRYING MY f***ing best...
BOTTOMLINE: it doesnt matter

It will..

Things are goofed up and trust me.. no one can understand the meaning of the first 4 words more than I can...

Just came back from my Yoga class and all the while there, i was thinking..
thinking about how things have changed over the years...how I have changed over the years...
and how i dint wanted to have changed in someways over the years..but i still did..

i dont know whether i am angry or is it sadness that is filling me from the top to the bottom..
but may what it be, all i know is (and all that really matters is) is that it is for myself..

if i m sad, i m sad coz of myself..
if i m angry, i m angry over myself.. and coz of myself..

everything is so f***ing crafted cleverly that there is no escape from it.

Am i a burden or an asset?
I mean, what value as an asset do i hold anyways...
i always get the feeling that i m adding more and more and more and more...

from PEACE to CHAOS..
its so easy..
the journey backwards is so damn hard..

and I am here, fighting with myself, with my emotions as to what went wrong..and why arent things the way I had projected them to be..

I know this sounds crazy but, at times like this..
balancing your mind is so not easy..
it always remains biased..

it never tries to look onto the brighter side of it...

but..what brighter side can this "situation" have..
i hope it does... i know it does..

i think i owe people apologies..
(focus on the pluralities...)

i have survived until now..
from now i wanna LIVE! and there is nobody stopping me from doing that..

but at the moment, there is only one thing that stands in its way..

come on Sandesh... its just a hurdle...
nothing more than that..

sigh.
i wish to be with "someone" now..
but even that is not possible right now..

a composition for good thoughts..

a chance is all i want,
a turn is all i need...
i know i am behind the crowd,
but now i wanna be the lead..

waking up in confusion,
sleeping in chaos,
i have seen it all enough, i am tired of this sickness
and now i wanna end this routine..

give me the chance, give me the hope
give me the chance, give me the hope..

i dont know what else to say..
bye

sad
sandesh
:(

2008-12-02T22:00:00.003+08:00

this is so not what i was gonna write....but i just couldnt help myself..

day b4 ystrday was fun... real fun..
met THE GUYS...after such a long time...and had a blast with them..

watched Dostana @ Select City Walk...
the movie aint that bad...(better than i expected... but could have been better..)
nonetheless it got the the 2.5 stars from me..
haha
lol

anyways..
after that.. was a PIZZA TREAT by abk..
woohoo...

other people joined... and we greeted....and we ate...and we had fun...
lol

afterwards...

i had to take a decision... and trust me i think this was a good one..
haha,

the guys had planned to go to CR PARK to enjoy an evening of soccer..haha
but i guess, my intention to go there was perhaps more than just soccer...

NOW WAS THE DECISION MAKING TIME..

Should i take the "1 over a thousandth probability" (coz u said u'd be busy with SOMETHINGS) of meeting whoever i wanted to meet and risk spending dunno how many bucks coming back all the way back home on my own in the evening or should i just day good bye to the guys and just leave with my parents from CityWalk...

BUT
apart from the risks, there was something more in place, i knew my mom's cell was out of balance...and there was no way of "informing the concerned authorities..." ( i always remember this line in one of the forms i filled up for a competition..haha)

so ya...
in the end...

i ended up taking stands with the decision involving the highest risks...
and went up ahead with the plan as the others had planned..

after reaching there...and a few minutes into the game, i somehow managed to make a call...
yeah... and trust me..nothing could have been much "heart-calmer" than after i heard that "Hello" lol..
haha

blah blah blah...
lets finish the story first..
i reached home safely (courtesy: Paul and his Parents)
they dropped me back safely..
haha

and the night was alive...
hhaha

now to the sentiments..

most people would expect to be sad in the situation of the "take the decision" game that i went through..
but
i dint think like that..

later that night..
i was happy!!
the reason NOT being that i couldnt meet..
but

because..
i took the decision with the lowest possible probability of its occurence...and more than that...
i wasnt biased in the decision.. i thought thru the perspective of how (easy) it would be for someone to actually carry out the tasks he/she intended to (eg. Meet me)

i m very very happy i wasnt broken apart by the very fact that i wouldnt have a fair chance to meet up but i guess, it made me even more excited..
coz... "challenges is one part of life, i always open my arms for!!!" (yeah yeah, thts one of my original quotes... LOL)

in the end..
evn though i couldnt meet, but i was happy i actually heard "the voice" haha (err...not spiritually..but haha REALLY)
lol

again looking forward to meet up...
and maybe i'd want that to happen in a zero over a thousandth probability occurence rate!!
tht would give some meaning to life..

yeah...
omg.., i m now so desperate to meet..

anyways..
the time is coming near, and bridge must be crossed... it is a difficult path ahead, but the coin

has
to be
tossed!!

sandesh

2008-11-17T15:49:00.002+08:00

Why Me?

Can I question or have I even lost the right to ask that to myself?

I dont know..
had a wonderfully disturbing dream last night...(not that it was so disturbing that i fell off the bed or what, but I have been thinking a lot about it, i mean do i have any other choice not to think about it?)

anyways..
i wont say i m not enjoying..but errr..ya..
nvr mind

sad

sandesh

2008-11-04T21:38:00.002+08:00

I can imagine that feeling setting in again. Its pretty strong and forceful. Too coercive in nature....not that i'll give up or what...i mean COME ON... this is the cyberbeast we are talking abt here..

but not just that...
something is becoming dark.
darker than it ever could be..

and its so heavy...
heavy beyond limits..

cant really be happy...neither do i want to be sad..
but i just dont know how to react, because it is more than just the question mark that has been put up now...

its the question of time...
which doesnt stop for anyone..

i hope it could...but things dont run the way i want them to be right.???

it feels weird when u see others happily leading their perfect little lives....and yet not contempt with it...
i mean, life in the very broadest sense is extra-ordinary dear... why r ppl complaining??

i mean i should be doing more of that...and less of this isnt it???? but i dont want to coz...
it is...

nvr mind..

off the topic..

practicing for prom now...
just 2 days left...and today we dont even practice together...

woohoo, i mastered playing sugar we're going down....and most of this love....

rest of the songs will be mastered by tomorrow...
cant wait for prom..
i still dont know what to wear for prom...guess i'll end up being a clown...and maybe to suit the environment... 3 jokers from my class would start laughing as if a mad cow just bumped into them...

i dont wanna wear black..

blah blah blah...
i think i should go watch a movie or something..
anyways..

adios..
Sandesh

2008-11-02T11:52:00.002+08:00

going on and on..

trying to be free..

but somehow even imprisonment was also good.
i wanna stay in it..

so that i have more time..

time and people...SHOULD go hand in hand..
but at the moment when u step out of the prison, you feel that..

it should be people and people going hand in hand..

but haiz..
things dont work the way i want them to be...neither am i wishing for it to happen coz then the world be very chaotic..
haha

yeah.

friday was the last day for us as 07v11...and we celebrated a last set of birthdays after school...

singing to the tunes was fun...and
louise started crying also...
xin chen was emo'ing also

rj was also sad...but his reasons were way too different than the others..
his reason was L.

anyways..

i hope we'll stay on together..
and stay in contact..

i want i want i want.

but i dont know i dont know i dont know

anyways..
i gotta practice for prom..

and i still dont have any idea wht i want to wear for it..

anyways..

bb
lol

sandesh

2008-10-25T15:26:00.002+08:00

haiz..

things are just going so wild..

and expectations are rising..

training was interupted by TYH..., YA SURE I"LL ENLigHTEN HIM with what he wants..
I'll do my best..

well, i am so so so so lost...
and i dont know what to do...i mean, more than anything else..

i cant keep thinking about some (things, people, things and people again)

but who'd give a dam about it..

nvr mind..

lets stick back..and kick some ass.

She Will Be Loved
Maroon 5

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

[in the background]
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Yeah
[softly]
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Try so hard to say goodbye

2008-10-23T19:40:00.002+08:00

...i think i m gonna have a heart attack soon...
i want the authority to give me a good piece of news soon...and when i say soon, i really really mean it.

come on life..
cheer up

but,
i m still sad...

why isnt it going away? please go away.
let me do what i want to do...

i have a purpose...and i want to achieve it..

expecting and desperately waiting for some real good news...
and i am hoping i get to hear it before the holidays.

:(
Sandesh

2008-10-22T11:37:00.002+08:00

wth...

i m broken..
morale breakdown

FUCK

pls pls pls pls pls pls pls pls pls pls pls pls pls
help me...be with me..

Boston
Augustana

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,

Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah
Where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Yeah Boston...
Where no one knows my name.

come on....
i wanna scream

sndsh
:(

2008-10-21T16:18:00.002+08:00

i m so so so not in a mood to even look up to your eyes and say.. "Hey, I am SAD"..

but i guess, its all just because of one single reason, which more than anything is but too delicate for me to deviate from...

in thinking terms at least...

i dont want to miss it...but apparently i am...and trust me... i will cchange...

more than anyone would have ever noticed but i need the chance...

i seriously beg that a moment of joy comes before the holidays at least....

i dont wanna be a burden, i want to be a source...

a source of what i know i want them to be for them...
but more than anything i m not even getting anywhere near it...

suddenly life feels halted...and the time frame stops at a reference position where there is nobody in the background and you seem to be walking on and on, without a purpose listening to MCR...and trying not to think about it...but in the end you only think about...whether things will return back to normal or not....
i want the former to happen...
the very imagination of the latter happening makes a chill run down my spine and trust me...i dont want that...

am getting weaker and weakr by the day...thinking whether i'll be able to survive the horrid that have so fucki'nicely crafted for myself...
and in this moment of joy (for the others atleast...)
i m here sitting in the corner...

weeping in the darkness trying to let go off myself..from this misery...
but like a boomerang it just always keeps coming back and hits me...

hits me hard..
full force..

action action action is what i need...
but one is only i want ...

one piece of good news would be enough for me...
it will be an emotional and morale booster for me...which more than anything i am at the moment hoping for...

nothing in my brin seems to be working at the moment...jealous...why others are so happy...
but at the same time, angry at myself....for committing those mistakes too...

but i tried....its not that i hgave up or wht...i did my best...

and i dont understand why the fuck doesnt it get translated completely...
not saying that everyone is perfect or wht...but atleast they are way better than me...good to see emo people not emoing...and non emo ppl emoing....(refers to 1 and u know who..)

wow...

can things pleae go back to normal...srsly..

i m tired of this game..

i want to do some real stuff now...
some real game is wht i want to play...and more than that...i want to beat my oponents or atleast thoe who dare stand up against me...

but only one thing will decide that now...and until then the wait will continue...

and maybe the misery and emo'ness too...

hope everything gets back to normal...i just seriously hope so...

:'(
sndsh

2008-10-20T11:27:00.001+08:00

just experienced the thing i was least expecting....

FUCK..
i dont know wht to do...

i mean,

i have changed...
someone was right...

i have changed....changed like shit

please help me...please help...please..
i m desperate and hlpless...

she said, chances are high...but still

i m not assured...

h8 myself..
:(

2008-10-19T23:15:00.002+08:00

Haha, today's post is gonna be one hell of a long post...haha
so err... dont fall asleep reading it...

haha

am discovering a new person these days...
she's quite a "surprising" person...haha

i mean, cant believe such a person was around me all the while, and i just dint know...
wow

right?

haha
but, better late than never..

its always good to know people...increases contacts...and chances to survive in this freaked up world...

so ya..

"some people just dont want to help anymore"
well, i know it was directed to me...but i never fell back in helping...neither did i fall back in my expectations of a supposedly "artificial" relation which i just love to cherish, but somehow neither you nor anyone else has been able to appreciate it...
maybe u do realise...and isnt that wht is keeping me to be with a person, who is really special to me..

i dont know what you meant when u said the above line...but whtevr it meant, i dint feel alright..

so ya..

i have changed...changed like hell..

and i want this change to intervene my life, and get something better off it..

LOl

haha
yeah,

anyways..

things have become pretty normal these days... i guess..

i m longing for another floorball training even though i had it like last friday only...
woohoo the 4.8km run has been one morale booster for me....seriously..

haha,
and then i hear people running in the night some 2 point dunno how many km.

but its dam satisfying..

i have to make some decisions for floorball now..
and the fact that i came to know about yesterday, wasnt as pleasing either..
but why??

completely changed my image of the person..

but anyways, i'll see how it goes...

PROM NIGHT practice is at its worst...and i dunno whether we would be able to finish learning all the songs...
i want to do this for somebody..he has a vision for an entity he calls his band... and i want to do this to take him nearer to making his entity a reality....but i guess, not everyone shares the same thoughts as me..

yeah...
so well...

i m waiting and waiting...
for nothing..

its like travelling in the vastness of the universe..but u have no fucking clue about where you are heading..

nature is fucking beautiful, and we dumbheads dont give a damn about it..

well more than anything, the documentary at Science Center's Omni-theatre made me reflect on..
lol

it wasnt as exciting...but i could understand what it was trying to tell me.

watched Ben Stiller's Night at the Museum...some moments ago..haha
nice movie..

listening to this song i have mentioned before..

The City of Fallen Angels by the band Cetra.

anyways..
I am in love with Famous Last Words, by My Chemical Romance..

so..
this is for Jon, the person who comes to mind when i hear the word MCR.

Famous Last Words
My Chemical Romance

Now I know,
That I can't make you stay.
But where's your heart?
But where's your heart?
But where's your,

And I know.
There's nothing I can say.
To change that part.
To change that part.
To change.

So many,
Bright lights they cast a shadow,
But can I speak?
Well is it hard understanding,
I'm incomplete?
A life that's so demanding,
I get so weak.
A love that's so demanding,
I can't speak.

I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Tell me if you stay I'll be forgiven,
Nothing you can say can stop me going home.

Can you see?
My eyes are shining bright,
'Cause I'm out here, on the other side,
Of a jet black hotel mirror,
And I'm so weak.
Is it hard understanding?
I'm incomplete.
A love that's so demanding,
I get weak.

I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Tell me if you stay I'll be forgiven,
Nothing you can say can stop me going home.

I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Tell me if you stay I'll be forgiven,

Nothing you can say can stop me going home.

These bright lights have always blinded me.
These bright lights have always blinded me.

I say.

I see you lying next to me,
With words I thought I'd never speak,
Awake, and unafraid.
Asleep, or dead.

'Cause I see you lying next to me,
With words I thought I'd never speak,
Awake, and unafraid.
Asleep, or dead.

'Cause I see you lying next to me,
With words I thought I'd never speak,
Awake, and unafraid.
Asleep, or dead.

'Cause I see you lying next to me,
With words I thought I'd never speak,
Awake, and unafraid.

Asleep, or dead...

I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Tell me if you stay I'll be forgiven,
Nothing you can say can stop me going home.

I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay I'll be forgiven,
Nothing you can say can stop me going home.

I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay I'll be forgiven,
Nothing you can say can stop me going home.

haha...
dint really think somebody would actually have enough guts to go and say whatevr the somebody said to whoever...

dam funny....
haiz...

its normal..ppl do that
no need to be scared...

ya

well.... i m finding somebody these days.
hope i'll be able to...

:)

Welcome To The Black Parade
My Chemical Romance

When I was
A young boy,
My father
Took me into the city
To see a marching band.
He said,
"Son when
You grow up,
Would you be
The saviour of the broken,
The beaten and the damned?"
He said
"Will you
Defeat them,
Your demons,
And all the non believers,
The plans that they have made?
Because one day
I'll leave you,
A phantom
To lead you in the summer,
To join the black parade."

When I was,
A young boy
My father, took me into the city
To see a marching band
He said, "Son when you grow up,
will you be the saviour of the broken,
the beaten and the damned?"

Sometimes I get the feeling,
she's watching over me
And other times I feel like I should go
Went through it all, the rise and fall
The bodies in the streets
And when you're gone we want you all to know
We'll carry on, We'll carry on
And though you're all dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We'll carry on
And in my heart I can't contain it
The anthem won't explain it

A world that sends you reeling from decimated dreams
Your misery and hate will kill us all
So paint it black and take it back
Let's shout out loud and clear
Defiant to the end we hear the call

To carry on

We'll carry on,
And though you're dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We'll carry on
And though you're broken and defeated
Your weary widow marches
On and on we carry through the fears
Oh oh oh

disappointed faces of your peers
Oh oh oh
Take a look at me 'cause I could not care at all
Do or die
You’ll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart
Come and try; you’ll never break me
We want it all, we want to play this part

I won’t explain, or say I’m sorry
I’m unashamed, I’m gonna show my scar
Give a cheer, for all the broken
Listen here, because it’s who we are
I'm just a man; I'm not a hero
Just a boy, whose meant to sing this song
I'm just a man; I'm not a hero
I Don't Care!

We'll carry on
We'll carry on
And though you're dead and gone believe me
Your memory will carry on
We'll carry on
And though you're broken and defeated
Your weary widow marches on
Do or die
You’ll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart
Come and try; you’ll never break me
We want it all, we want to play this part
Do or die
You'll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart
Go and try; you'll never break me
We want it all, we want to play this part
We'll carry on

2008-10-14T21:18:00.002+08:00

maybe i just naturally rock at sucking at everything..

wht can i say...

its how you feel when all your hard work...turns nothing more than piece of shit, and you seriously have no idea why it happened so..

everything seems going down...and i really dont know what to do..
whether i should be happy or sad??? the former will definitely be questioned next week, but i guess, it just the ways you see it..

either ways...
it means the same thing,
and nothing's gonna change now.

fuck..
i mean, i just dont know wht to think abt..??

what i was 2-3 years down the road, is completely different from what i am now..

hell...

is what life's becoming,

i completely take the blame over me...and i think, i'd beg for a chance,
but this will be my last chance....coz, I WILL CHANGE THINGS NEXT YEAR, NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES.

I realised this during one of my floorball trainings..
yesterday's training was dam shocking..cant believe i ran 4.8 km non-stop..
guess, the training's worth it...

come on come on come on...
hopes resting on 2....resting on 2..

please understnd the situation,

oh wells,
i dont know how they are feeling right now..
but more than anything, i really do feel bad for them....

coz as i said just now, i rock at suking..

sndsh
usuck

2008-10-13T10:40:00.001+08:00

trying to relax....
breathing deeply..

hope remain..
hopefully i'll get over it...

fk

2008-10-12T20:56:00.001+08:00

woah woah woah...

almost there,
i have to visualise the drift starting from this night onwards.

whether i'll drift and get back onto the track or whether i'll fall off the edge
i dont know,

i m nervous, afraid...
the feeling creeping in like a crawling snake, absolutely senseless, but still THERE.
haha

yeah,

i really dont know how to get it,
and now that the time has come, i dont know whether the door will open,
i am ready to break open it forcefully, but then there are so many people guarding the door...

it just seems highly unlikely..

and somemore, that its now just me,
being sucked up like this..

it worries me even more...

i mean, they wont even hesitate. seriously..!!
but i seriously hope things go well, and that this wouldn't be the end..

let it be the beginning, start of the beginning...

nothing's been paid off, but in mere terms,
its just difficult,
chances are slim, slimmer than ever...

and i dont want to be engrossed in this...

i can face the people...but would i be able to face them..

hard to say..
very very very hard to say,

i have seen the expressions on the faces,
and everyone knows..

hopeless,
but there is still some fire left, and it is enough to burn down an entire forest..

haiz,
the world is sinking in the economic crisis, and people are regretting taking risks or for some, even measures to secure their lives...but in my shoes, something entirely different is happening..

i think i'll lose myself tonite..
yet again..

hoping for a better sunshine..tomorrow.

sndsh
:(

2008-10-11T17:09:00.002+08:00

wow, so long i havent blogged...lol

anyways key events...

haha,
V11 won inV!gorate yet again, as usual.
i mean, its just a habbit we always win, we just do.

floorball was the best, hope i succeeded in shutting some f'ked up mouths. haha, but thats not just it, somebody really pissed me off before the floorball games, and that was the worst thing to do to me, b4 a fb game. since it concerned my friend, i had no choice..haha

lol
anyways, jheng came was the refree for our matches, which was really helpful..haha,

yeah, soccer was also fun.. haha,

anyways at the end of the day, we were crowned the reigning champions...

i m sure at least for the next 2 years, v11's gonna kick ass at invigorate.

hindi o level exam was slack, was pretty easy, no idea why the local's found it so hard. Off the 3.5 hours allowed for the papers, i was slacking for almost like an hour+. lol

personal voice workshop was fun, indeed..haha yeah..
which ended off yesterday.

hell lot of people started poning from the second day itself and mr. boy was taking attendance, haha

whoops..
gotta go...

more updates coming later..
:D

2008-09-30T22:39:00.005+08:00

at last...

my company is legally on-line.

Found some useful servers on Telokau Islands in the Pacific Ocean..woohoo..

for those dumbheads who dont know what i m talking about..

haha

My company, Hypercube is officially accessible from almost anywhere on earth. Even though the site isn't yet finished, you can get to get see a bit animation that is going to be used as a promotional video for my company. CLICK HERE to access the website.

Alternatively you can click on the link below too..

http://www.hypercubeworld.tk

...

MORE UPDATES coming soon...

GO GO GO GO visit my company's website.

2008-09-24T23:03:00.002+08:00

The Infinity
by Five point O

Learn To Give Up Fear
(then You'll)learn To Be A Friend
Several Secrets Of Life
Won't Be Learned 'till You Die...
(corus)
Birth, Work, Breathe
Smile, Awaken, Bbserve
Elope, Breed Look Into My Eyes And Believe In Me
Nurture, Divorce
Suffer, Cry
Acknowledge Existence
Discover, Die
Look Into My Eyes And Believe In Me
Cleanse Yourself Of Guilt
Unlearn Jealousy
Universal Vehicle
Voice Of Infinite Freedom
Look Into My Life And Bleed For Me
Birth, Work, Breathe
Nurture, Cry
Acknowledge Existence
Discover, Die
Look Into My Life And Bleed For Me
Soon Our Host Will Grow Ill From Age
And The Homes Of Today, Will Be Tomorrow's Tomb
Bleed For Me

2008-09-24T21:12:00.003+08:00

Thy past is of a shadow now... I can undo it not...
Speak not of my presence, see not of my coming, and breathe not of my leaving, and you will hear nothing more but the shrill melody of the wind...

cant take it...

i need to know soon...

as soon as possible..

ppl dont give up...(YES THIS REFERS TO ONE PERSON...and guess wht, ITS YOU- the mysterious YOU again)

hell...

yeah, thats wht life's slowly becoming...

taking time off for the job attachment is helping but still....everytime i come back...thts the only thing i can see...

in front of me...

its really painful, i wish i could tell it to someone...but
its just not the way it seems...

booked my tickets today... gonna collect it tomorrow..
but until the 3 weeks from now..

its still remains the mysteru period for me...believe me or not...its just gonna be one breakpoint...the next one (if there is any) would follow soon after some time..

and i'll have to put myself offlimits...

seriously...

sandesh

LP rox...
just discovered they had a distorted remix for What I've Done.

i dont matter... i dont deserve it..

2008-09-22T23:26:00.002+08:00

the third one in a day..
i think i'll have definitely have a heart attack by tomorrow..

fuck,

my life's gonna screw up in about another 2 weeks and here i m
watching harold and kumar escape from guantanamo bay...

as funny and ironical as it seems...there is more than just the opposite in it..
the emotions dont convey anything...

City of Fallen Angels
Cetra

Tell me the world holds answers for me; I need to know (to know)
Lost and trailing behind I know; I’ve lost my mind (my mind)
Here in the city of fallen angels; I feel alone (alone)
Will my journey end here I need to know

Trust isn’t shared but often abused
Trust isn’t shared but often abused
Will I have to put up with the loss of my mind, my mind, my mind…?

Knowing the battle has just begun; my story starts here (starts here)
Holding, I struggle within myself; the battle is near (near)
All truth lies behind closed doors; I must push on (push on)
Once again the battle wages on and on and on…

Trust isn’t shared but often abused
Trust isn’t shared but often abused
If I had the choice to stop I would, I would, I will

NO…Trust isn’t shared but often abused
Trust isn’t shared but often abused
And if I had the choice to stop I would, I would, I will

somebody help me...i m giving myself..
i dont want to..

please help me...
i m sinking....in my doubts...
doubts that shouldnt have raised at this moment...

never expected it like this..

the end is really becoming the end...

and then therewould be nothing after the aggressive and agitated full stop....nothing..
blank..
white...
not even a scratch...

F U

sandesh

2008-09-22T16:03:00.002+08:00

every passing moment, continuously reminds me of it...

i am a complete waste...
every hope laid down....i broke them...

every sacrifice made... it meant nothing...

i cant help thinking about it..
but maybe..

F

its so f'kin painful...
and i am so not ready for it...

wtf is wrong? i dont know...
maybe nothing is...maybe i m just thinking too much about it....

but then if that is the case, there arent many reasons to support me "not thinking" about it either...
so eitherways,,,,

nvr mind...
i'll try not to think about it...
but then till when???
someday i;ll have to face it...
and..

then...

dont know what will happen??!/!?!

h8myslf

2008-09-22T11:54:00.002+08:00

i m so doubtful..
never ever in my life have i seen myself in so much doubt...so much anger for myself..

but whts the point of thinking about it now...

but then the consequence is fearful in itself...
and i just dont want to lose everything i came to know....in a journey....

its just so painful...
but who'd realise it?? even the closest to me have given up hopes on me...

i am so fucking confused....
there is no way i can be happy at the least, smile..
even if i do, its fake..

but
it just feels weird...

every night...i think about it...
tears break free from my eyes...and ages after this....
i find myself...
in a chamber...

a chamber full of darkness....
even though there is a window...

i opened it and still there was darkness...
there is yet another window, but i am unable to open it...

i think i'll need someone to help me open it..
but whose this someone gonna be...

i can expect no one for the next 4 weeks...but maybe after that...there can be a chance...

and i m not too certain about help offered myself....please.
please..

i beg,
i dont want this to be the end...i want it to be the beginning..
th enew beginning...

i m sinking..and i m losing my breath...
i'll come up but, then will someone be generous enough to get me away from it...

maybe yes...maybe not..

i do hope for the former...

sandesh
:(

2008-09-21T12:38:00.002+08:00

here i stand again
trying..
trying..

but never upto the level...

and all the burden falls on to me, like the earth falling on an ant..
and then there is no reason why shouldnt...

but i still dont want to give up...
i know there is still a lot of fire left in me..
enough to burn for a hell lot of time....

pls see it..
and get it..

coz i am in search for a new beginning..
a new beginning for a perfect end...

haiz...
havent slept properly in the last 3 days...
and well, there is no reason for me to sleep peacefully either...

i wish...i can only wish...but now its too late..
and i m worried...
every nearing second increases my shivering..

anyways...i'll be back with part 2 of the post..

:(

2008-09-19T12:17:00.002+08:00

dont know whts gonna happen now..
i think i wont be as lucky...

FUCK

i cant believe it...
i just cant..

i mean, not as if i dint do it..or wht..
i ...i i... dont know

cant stop thinking about it...
its just too much...

my head so heavy with it...and no latter shall i receive the news and collapse..

fuck...
thats all i feel like shouting at the moment..

i mean, its really difficult to see everyone smile and be happy about things..
and i m here, trying to think about things...i never wished to think...

i m not aggressive enough...
i have to be stronger..
the fault lies beneath...and ..

nvr mind..
i m just purely sad..
and there is just one thing that can make me regain my happiness...but thats defnitely gonna take a hell lot of fucking time to happen and the probability of it happening is like so freaking little..

hate myself..

cyberbeast...

2008-09-03T10:31:00.002+08:00

Its a beautiful lie, a perfect denial
Listen to this song - "Beautiful Lie by 30 Seconds to Mars"
Its just awesome...
If have enough guts listen to "The Werewolf of Westeria by John 5"
its even awesome if u listen to good music....i mean i know ppl listening to GAY music, and somemore trying to sing it to show that they evn more gay than the song itself

well, this post is gonna be a very quick one, so those of you who are expecting one big chunk of "useless" text here--i m sorry..haha

anyways, getting on to the poing, things are really really really screwed up...
EOY's starting next week..woohoo cant wait for them to finish, i have so many things to do after it..

and for some people..
i think i conveyed this msg earlier too, but seemingly you wouldnt have bothered reading it...
so i thought i might want to highlight it again.

"If somebody bitter can be sweet enough to see every other person he sees as sweet. People who are "actually" sweet shouldnt have problems seeing others as sweet too"
in continuation..
The former part is quite valid...but the later part is nowhere near reality.

but i think it was seriously weird..haha, i mean
believe it or not, things can definitely be normal btwn these 2 people....

just that one is down-to-the-earth attached to his "not so good" attitude...the other one is too much affected by it..
i mean, does the fruit of doing good always rot like this???

haha

anyways..
bbye
Sandesh

oh and ya...i officially declare, NO MORE BLOGGING UNTIL EOY finish.
again, it might just be another "beautiful lie..."

2008-08-22T14:22:00.002+08:00

aaahh...
stressed..

ya..
a bit relieved now..

but as usual when one ends there's always another waiting in line...to smash right at my face...so ya..

i guess, i know the reason why....
but its just like WEIRD... ya
i mean, i may be wrong...but come on..

events can co-incide (if u can truely guess wht it means, i m sure, you'll have no reasons to be...)

so ya, "people" acting very very very weird these days..
i mean,
" benefactors are the targets"
ya

i dont know, i did my part even without knowing anything...
anyways..

whtever may the reasons be, i have said it already, i will say it again,
I M SORRY!!
(if the reason behind this, is what i think, then come on.. it would be more insulting)

but howevr insulting it maybe, i would still say it... coz whatever fcked up logic i might apply for whatevr fcked up situation, it still made you angry, and tht is what i dont want..
maybe... its a bit difficult to understand why i m like that..
i dont know

but... then perhaps that is wht u mean to me, whether u accept it or not, i cant see u angry

thts it for now..
gotta study!!

cyberbeast | idj

2008-08-19T10:42:00.002+08:00

wtf!!! you are so not what i expected you to be...
(PS. this doesnt refer to anyone living)

so ya well, i wanted to post this quite a long time before, but just couldnt find the time to do it...
yeah!!

The Importance of a Sister

A sister is someone who loves you from the heart,
No matter how much you argue you cannot be drawn apart.
She is a joy that cannot be taken away,
Once she enters your life, she is there to stay.

A friend who helps you through difficult times,
Her comforting words are worth much more than dimes.
A partner who fills your life with laughs and smile,
These memories last for miles and miles.

When she is by your side, the world is filled with life,
When she is not around, your days are full of strife.
A sister is a blessing, who fills your heart with love,
She flies with you in life with the beauty of a dove.

A companion to whom you can express your feelings,
She doesn’t let you get bored at family dealings.
Whether you are having your ups or downs,
She always helps you with a smile and never frowns.

With a sister you cannot have a grudge,
She is as sweet as chocolate and as smooth as fudge.
Having a sister is not just a trend,
It is knowing you can always turn to her, your best friend.

ya...so well, to sum it all up

luv u sis..
be happy and smile forever..

its just so nice to see someone tying a bond of trust and friendship..
and in return asks for nothing more than the same... (maybe a feet touch..???!!!)
haha
lol..

it was quite nice that day...wish we had talked more..
i feel so mute these days...lol

haha,
aunt amby has started daoing me again...YEAH!!! Woohoo...thts the best sign i could get that she is irritated...but the cold truth is she has to accept it lol

so ya...
i m waiting for somethings...somepeople..
ya

haha
i can see you taking the wrong path, but i know you wont listen to me...so there is no way i can stop you...but perhaphs later or sooner you'll realise that you were wrong....
and
i'll always be there to say
dont force yourself, do your part and it'll come to you!

gotta run!!

Sandesh
:D

2008-08-15T20:48:00.003+08:00

it feels so different..

i feel so confused.
i mean my analysis just feels so "not impactful" for me when others show theirs..

its very painful, and i dont know why...but i have been going through the "2-people-saying-exactly-the-same-sentence-which-doesnt-really-make-me-feel-comfortable" siuations...

and guess what??? 2 such situations happened...

i mean, the first one, i can understand, and fact is acceptable. Its always good to have someone letting you know ways of improvement. But i realised that one was encouraging, the other one was a level more than that, even though it dint mention any postives or anything...

the second situation is more of a concern than anything for me,
coz time is nearing the end and the beginning, and the "situation" is preventing me to plan anything for the beginning. wth..., i thought the direction is positive, but i dont know why some think it is not..
i mean, ya,
its not as if i m yet the "best" or what...
but i am trying...

feels so shocking...when all those moments of hard work and dedication just snaps in a moment just coz of "2-people-saying-exactly-the-same-thing"

life..hahaha

but nonetheless, i am looking forward for the challenge...
i m waiting for the fight...
the big fight...
to let them know whose boss...
yeah

ya...now about other stuff...
so basically, the week was quite good...yeah.. haha,

tuesday, ended late as usual. came back and slept. period.
wednesday was quite ok. CT changed the seating arrangement, and now i m the only GUY in the group! aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh FEMINISM is creeping in my head...!!!!! LOL...
Exco meeting was serious... was teaching chimp, "my-eye-ball-gonna-drop-off" monster, jn and the sick banana (who carries dog on phone...get it??) video stuff...which i m sure they dint understand...
Thursday... got back geog opt results, then for one of the task ( i FAILED at the beginning of the lesson, i PASSED at the end with an A)haha, teacher never mark one section...
ya, couldnt help chimp and the rest edit their video, sry!
then teacher dropped me at Defence Science Organisation labs for elective (as usual)..and the elective went on smoothly..
was feeling very very down. after elective felt alright,...thnx to some1, and for this sum1 - "i'd love to be a gr8 fren 4vr!! :D" lol,
elective was fun, they showed us a powerful laser...and its fucking dangerous. we had to evacuate the class before the laser could be set up. then went in the room 5 at a time, cause dint have enough safety goggles.
When the machine was turned on, all i could hear was this little beep sound which was increasing in intensity.
that was just the flash pump to generate energy. after a while there was silence, about a second or something, then that thing started shooting out laser which dint look like the decent red coloured dot on the wall...it was "electric", i mean thats how i can think of describing it. the intructor put a piece of paper, and the paper got i perfect circular spot in the middle.

its like spark in mid air... just that its not a spark, its an extremely powerful laser.
ya, after a bit of research, i found out that, if an eye, comes in contact with the laser, the
lens in the eye would focus on the retina...and literally "EXPLODE".

and all that was JUST minimum power. It wasnt full power. Instructor say that must get permission from government to run on full power, as if anyone would find out or something...well that was what i thought when the instructor said that..

but i think it was too dumb for me to think that....if they run that machine on high power....anything in the way of the laser would be like completely destroyed. Just now, i talked about one eye, if the other brought in contact with the laser, well, it will literally DISAPPEAR. In scientific terms, the eye will burst, but the burst particles will burst until they become plasma (the fourth state of matter after solid, liquid, gas) and since "earthly" connections wont allow that, the plasma wont be stable enough and would hence "disappear".
its like the most painful thing happening to u for the shortest of time possible...and you cant even see the damage caused... (that is if u are able to see after the experiment in the first place)...
haiz.
haha

yeah so thursday ended like that..

Friday, i.e. today, is India's Independance Day...so err...Happy 62nd Birthday India!!!
we went to the embassy to celebrate!!
reached there just on time for flag hoisting..

they opened the buffet earliar for the students this time round..yea,so basically we ate early and were taking pics until we left...ya!!!

left....reached hostel
me and sagar, watched olympics on the bus back...haha

went to school after changing...
chem
physics
maths quiz...

came back talking about random stuff!!! Its just so nice to be with her...

and now...i m desperately waiting for tomorrow..
tomorrow is an important day!! haha, not because i have to go to hindi school...but because of something...just almost impossible to describe in words...

you mean the world to me,
and belive me or not...
its true, that i can do anything for you,
and the question you asked me on wednesday night...
or the questions you wanted to ask...

my answer would have always been
YES!!! i would have done that!

more coming up tomorrow..!!!

-sandesh

2008-08-12T20:40:00.003+08:00

WOOOOOHHHHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Aang defeats the Firelord and restores balance among the 4 kingdoms!!!

omg, Avatar: The Last Airbender (or Avatar: The Lengend of Aang, as shown in some countries) is one of the BEST "American Anime" i have ever watched....

i m desperately waiting for Nickelodeon to produce the fourth book!!!

and i m dam sure the BOOK 4 is gonna come out, since in the last episode, Prince errr, now the new Firelord Zuko doesnt get an answer for the question he asked his evil father, Firelord Ozai.

The mystery about his mother has always been a mystery!! but she does appear in one of the scenes with Azula. ya...

omg, Avatar is so addicting...

go see for yourself!!!

Some lyrics again... (randomly selected)

Mary belongs to the words of a song.

I try to be strong for her, try not to be wrong for her.

But she will not wait for me, anymore, anymore.

Why did I say all those things before? I was sure.

(She is the one), but I have a purpose,

(she is the one), and I have to fight this,

(she is the one), a villian I can't knock down.

I see your face with every punch I take,

and every bone I break, it's all for you.

And my worst pains are words I cannot say,

still I will always fight on for you.

Mary's alive in the bright New York sky,

the city lights shine for her,

above them I cry for her.

Everything's small on the ground below, down below.

What if I fall, then where would I go, would she know?

(She is the one), all that I wanted,

(she is the one), and I will be haunted,

(she is the one), this gift is my curse for now.

I see your face with every punch I take,

and every bone I break, it's all for you.

And my worst pains are words I cannot say,

Still I will always fight on for you.

Fight on for you ...

I see your face with every punch I take,

and every bone I break,

its all for youand my worst pains are words

I cannot say

still I will always fight on for you.

Fight on for you.

Fight on for you...

(i found out that this it the Spiderman 2 (OST))

haha

-Sandesh

2008-08-11T23:12:00.002+08:00

not feeling right...

nothing is.., i guess,

i dont know what to do... it just slips out of my hands...the moment i try to grab it harder.

the girls lost to bedok south again, which according to me is not a team to lose to.

but they did play well, better than thought, i mean, for 6 people to manage 2lines is quite an achievement already... and is quite impressive.

yeah.

i could see kaien, janice, malaysia, maybe to a certain extent Jing Xin...try give in their best.

but still they all lack the attitude. they have to get the KILLER instinct in them...for the vjfb dream...and i am dam certain about that..

yes...

i m not sure of the outcome and so doubtful..!!!

haiz...

sad,

haha

must must must get him to play!!! evn though its difficult..

ending with these random lyrics... (PS - its totally RANDOM)

Breathing

Yellowcard

Eyes are feeling heavy
But they never seem to close
The fan blades on the ceiling spin
But the air is never cold
And even though you're next to me
I still feel so alone
I just can't give you anything
For you to call your own
And I can feel you breathing
And it's keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating
My heart's sinking like a weight
Something I've been keeping
Locked away behind my lips
I can feel it breaking free
With each and every kiss
I couldn't bear to hurt you
But it's all so different now
Things that I was sure of
They have filled me up with doubt
And I can feel you breathing
And it's keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating
My heart's sinking like a weight
I can feel you breathing
And it's keeping me awake
Could you stop my heart
It's always beating
Sinking like a weight
How am I supposed to feel
About the things I've done
I don't know if I should stay
Or turn around and run
I know that I hurt you
Things will never be the same
The only love I ever knew
I threw it all away
And I can feel you breathing
And it's keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating
My heart's sinking like a weight
And I can feel you breathing
And its keeping me awake
Could you stop my heart
It's always beating
Sinking like a weight

2008-08-07T23:46:00.002+08:00

walking in the rain,
i asked someone to smile,
depite the circumstances,
but i failed to remind myself...

thinking about the mistakes i made,
and how i could have prevented them,
i could see the divergence in the light,
but i know how it feels,
to be on the-
path, less travelled by (inspiration from william wordsworth)

ya...
so well, i am sure you'd've guessed how my day was like today...

getting along was easier than thought, dint know i was THAT impressive...haha, its the uniqueness of the product, not me,
i just propagate the production, the rest is in the product itself...

anyways,
i found this extremely interesting software(s), lol
and installed it for security purposes in iComp Lab for trial experimentation...

ya...
had the floorball meeting...

surprised to see that the number of floorballers can almost fill up LT AVA...haha
the seniors, all of 'em, believe that we can "do" it...
i mean, i could see it in their eyes, they werent at all worried that VJ FB would be carried on by FB'ers like the new ones....
well, mind reading is one of the many things FB has taught me...

and mr. loke set up some expectations,
which were quite serious in "some" ways..

suddenly things are getting so fucking serious....
why?? come on guys ENJOY!!!
no one smiles...

no one..

haha
well the IP FB Girls got into the Champion's League based on the points they scored in the normal games...which is quite cool in a sense...

i m not at all worried about the outcome... i know they are getting the kIlLeR iNsTiNcT in them...
once they can master their basics along with the killer instinct, they'd be THERE...
ya.
but lets focus on NOW...
haha

i got some plans for them,
but i need all of 'em to believe in me first...haha

gotta go..
bbye

haha
CYBERBEAST HyperCube

2008-08-04T19:52:00.001+08:00

Your result for Which Chess Piece are You Test? ...
The Queen's Bishop

Congrats! Only 3-5% of the population score this!

The Queen’s Bishop has charisma and social knowledge. It is this that draws so many under their ‘tutelage’. The Queen’s Bishop is a teacher and has the phenomenal interpersonal skill that sells them to others. It isn’t that they attempt to manipulate others – rather they really believe their dreams and see themselves as helpers. They usually are.
This Bishop is a global learner. They like to see the big picture. They are adept at juggling responsibilities and projects. This isn’t to say they are naturally organized, rather they are organized with people in mind. The conclusions they draw from others and their motives are drawn quickly. This Bishop knows people and appreciates them. They however have a problem with forgetting themselves and their own needs because they will frequently vouch for others. If people are too gruff or critical, these people are hurt and abused. Sensitivity must be used around the Queen’s Bishop because they burden themselves the most.
If anyone comes knocking with problems, they will drop their duties – regardless of the circumstance. If someone happens to call, they will answer it and take care of that conversation putting the first person on hold. If a quick question is posed by yet another – they will attend to that. They are honestly open to helping others – that is why it is hard to gain their undivided attention. Everyone knows this and tends to ask for a bit of time from them. Ever heard of the “Open Door” Policy?

2008-08-03T21:39:00.006+08:00

Hey guys...
back again..

the week was fun,
CAREERs..

sounds serious business, but nonetheless, was one of the memorable one too...
all the talks, the videos and the activities...

marking the end to one of the major activities in IP...

cant believe IP's coming to an end.
haiz,
all those memories will be locked in...
and as permanent memory, it would be stored for FUTURE USE only..

anyways...
the week was dam fun...

anyways...called someone up on her birthday...
she was quite surprised to hear me...lol,

ya,
so what else to blog about..

well things are quite well going (for now)
i know the troubles i have piled up for the next week, which is gonna screw me like shit. and i havent even planned up for it either..
so ya, next week's gonna be a complete mess....

oh ya,
the girls lost ystrday..
10-2

all because of the first period. No proper man marking, attackers were focuseed just on their attacking, which cost them the defence...blah blah blah...
but nonetheless...
they tried their best to fight back in the second and third period...

ya...
janice dint play, and everybody could feel the difference.
She has improved a lot... seriously

THEY CRIED after the match...
well, it wasnt a worst thing to do, but it was neither the best thing to do. This shows the lack of perseverance..
ya..

but, ya
we are still in the champions league...
which should be a tough competition (assuming the fact that we play in the league)

and OMG...
hui ying joined floorball just before the competition
and she's like so freaking pro and goalkeeping...

no wonder Yan said her goalie-skills are very stylish...
AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH, i will literally worship such people man..

ya...

well,
quite bored of typing,
i'll end off with these lyrics

DAUGHTRY

It's Not Over

I was blown away.

What could I say?

It all seemed to make sense.

You've taken away everything,

And I can't deal with that.

I try to see the good in life,

But good things in life are hard to find.

We'll blow it away, blow it away.

Can we make this something good?

Well, I'll try to do it right this time around.

Let's start over.

I'll try to do it right this time around.

It's not over.

'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.

This love is killing me,

But you're the only one.

It's not over.

Taken all I could take,

And I cannot wait.

We're wasting too much time

Being strong, holding on.

Can't let it bring us down.

My life with you means everything,

So I won't give up that easily.

I'll blow it away, blow it away.

Can we make this something good?

'Cause it's all misunderstood.

Well, I'll try to do it right this time around.

Let's start over.

I'll try to do it right this time around.

It's not over.

'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.

This love is killing me,

But you're the only one.

It's not over.

We can't let this get away.

Let it out, let it out.

Don't get caught up in yourself.

Let it out.

Let's start over.

I'll try to do it right this time around.

It's not over.

'Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.

This love is killing me,

But you're the only one.

It's not over.

Let's start over.

It's not over, yeah...

This love is killing me,

But you're the only one.

It's not over.

<3>

2008-07-25T21:45:00.004+08:00

are u trying to test my patience or what...
dint know you were THAT dumb...

i mean, have you ever given a thought about what you do when in such a situation even before when you are expecting others to do a positive follow up,
come on GROW UP!! alright...

be a bit more sensible for goodness sake....
stop thinking about "$hIt"

alright...
if it has to happen, it'll happen...if it doesnt, then i m sure it'll someday,
you just have to wait until then,...

so what, if you are gonna cross over...
its not a necessity...right,
you are still alive without it right???

wth..
dint expect this...

anyways...

well, the day was quite screwed up,
seriously, even though it was a half day,

like HELL
and somemore,

some person (who is very sensible) displayed the utmost opposite by getting pissed off at me, by asking me to do things, which my schedule dint permit me to do...i couldnt thats why i said no..

like how in the world, can u think i would dare to say NO when i dont have a good reason to say no...and somemore for you...
sometimes you just overlook these things and instead of trying to understand that somethings just cant be left out like that, you expect everyone to respond positively.

wth,
i dont know what to do,
i have talked about 2 things ready, i dont wanna make it worse by including the third one...
anyways, its not personel, but still, i would have done it anyways, cause,
I M NICER...
like lol...

so ya,

now the FUN part,
went Valhall with the seniors....they organised a LAST fun games session for themselves...
played with them for a while...
before starting training the girls....

omg,
the GIRLS are like so bad at aiming..
They literally SUCK......,
i mean i dont have any words for that...

but looking behind my own history in the game, i wasnt better than a noob at there level,
so i guess, if i'd have been in their position that time, i would have sucked even more...yeah..

lol,
Yan had the girls do the defence play up with the J1 girls...

the j1 girls owned the ip girls like nobody's business...haha

ya, so basically after that,

Kim, Anabel and Amy were trying to hit me with the ball..
but apprently,
they SUCK big time,, cant hit me from a distance less than a metre..
but its hard to hit me...

you know its said...
'CyberBeast cant be caught.."
lol

haha
so ya,
played for a while KL and the girls who stayed back,
ate at KFC, haha, (V11 dinner...like that)
with KL, Fiona and Amy

oh ya, i forgot to add one more thing...

Fiona can rotate around a point until like crazy...
and its freaking imba...

i mean, if she can get her drag shots correct, she can be a whirlwind in the field eh...
omg..

what tha hell...
the first time she did it, i was like...

i couldnt speak anything for some seconds or so...
and somemore she did that with a Flat Blade...
she calls it the "Teletubbies"..
lol

omg..
anyways...
yan introduced me and the other girls, to this Swedish under-19 player...Robin

haha,

ya

i gotta go sleep now...
tomorrow is a big day...

gotta start mugging up soon,
EOY catching up ready...

the final sprint analogy is quite impressive.

"try not to be selfish, and everything will look nicer"

cyberbeast..

2008-07-25T11:43:00.002+08:00

wth...
am feeling so freaking down...and i dont really have a reason for that..

:(
today is so busy...aaaah,
even though its a half day..

planning to go training l8r...

"ppl are so selfish!!"

haiz..
anyways..

l8r

Sandesh

2008-07-24T06:36:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was one day, i'd never like to forget...
i mean, i cant imagine the girls improved until like that...

and i wont really "not" relate the influence of the A-Div games on them..

taught the girls, some Free Hit tactics and other basic things..before the match,
and unbelievably the girls follwed what i said...
and defended like 8+ goals because of tat...

so in a way,
they are PROGRESSING...i wont really say they are THERE...
but i guess, they played their first REAL floorball game ystrday..

and no doubts...
they did well..

ya

still have to make them realise some basic things like defence...

haha,
ya

Banana, Chimp, BigChimp, JN, anbl, ky, and kim were all into the game, and i have to appreciate the fact that they did that, in presence of such a pressure...
maybe from me, maybe from Mr. Chow maybe even from the crowd or something...

nearly lost my voice shouting at them...

anyways...in the end, it was worth it...and we WON..!!!
4-3

not an impressive scoreline though, but quite worth the kind of game the girls played.
could have....oops SHOULD have been 5-2.

the reason i added one more goal to our score, is because one of the shots taken by kim, was a goal, but i think the opponents got the benefit of doubt, coz the ref. was at an angle, where, not just him, but anybody wouldnt have been able to have seen the ball...nice guy he is...

anyways...
went subway for dinner, ian joined us there....
had an interesting time,
and after everyone left,
he followed in and amy to the bus stop,

he was telling us about how aggressive HE can be when he's in the court...haha

today is maths test, which i m sure i am confirm gonna fail, coz i m like so freaking bad at differentiation and integration... (gone are the days when i used to ENJOY maths...lol)
PC, Probs and Stats, wont be much of a bother

lets see what happens...
but after that

the final run will start...
and the sprinting part will come soon...
cant wait for this race to finish...

but then after the finish, it will make me realise the loss i'll be going through in like another 3 quarter of a year, and then among the happy people,
i'll be left destitute, but i'll find the LOSS in my HEART, forever...whenever i want...

(P.S. - Stop thinking about IT)

CyberBeast..
Sandesh

and for some person..

keep smiling (copyright)
"coz i want to see u laugh loudly, when u are with me"

Bbye
gotta rush to the school...now

:D

2008-07-22T22:42:00.003+08:00

WtF...
thats like the only thing running in my mind at the moment...and well i guess, i have valid reasons for that as well....

went to support the A-Div's final match....and i was just shocked to see how pathetically VJ was cheated.
The first goal came off from the opponents in like less than 10 seconds of the start...
the later part was even more interesting...

the F'ing refree, was an East View Sec. Student...like wth,
(a sec school student refree for A-Division match...is this a freaking joke or what??)

The F'ing refree decided to give a goal, when it wasnt one...and l8r after a hell lot of shouting and screaming at him, he had to take his bloody decision back.

YJ were playing like some jackasses,
almost everyone got hurt, edvard was the most injured...he was bleeding...

The ref... sent out 2 VJ players (2 minute penalties) continuously for no reason...
i was just waiting for a fight to start...

i heard coach ian shout at the refreee "You SUCK lah..refree.... SUCK"

but anyways.... we lost in the end...
and now we have been placed 4th position in the A-Division.

And since i am talking about floorball already..
i'd like to let a few ppl know...

that tomorrow's match.. (ip Girls match)
is not gonna be an easy one from my side...

somebody just crossed limits today,
and as our seniors have been teaching us,
"Floorball is a TEAM game", everyone will suffer because of that "somebody" and mind me when i say EVERYBODY.

i m in no mood of ordering people around ( i nvr was doing that anyways...but since, the jokeing, happy-go-around style dint fit in here..., i cant help it now)

u asked for it...
u pay for it...

simple trade rules...

anyways...
cant wait for tomorrow...
gotta go practice maths now...
tet on thursday,

PC, Prob and Stats...NP
Diff and Intgr, will be the challenge...

lets see,
what i'll do,

but maybe i am always open for WORDS...and a nice li'l chat wouldnt be troublesome i guess..
i am always ready to revert back my decisions...
only if ,

YOU MAKE THE MOVE, (i m always noticing it...)

too much ready...

FU YJC

I can give u another chance... (i.e. if u want)

Cyberbeast

2008-07-17T14:40:00.003+08:00

hey

quite a long time since i updated the blog..so i thought maybe i should do that today..
lol

so welll things are qutie fine these days..
and i havent been feeling tired lately...coz of dont know what RUNNING in my mind..
but nonetheless...
its enjoyable..
was..

hhaha
bought my floorball stick at last...woohoo..
yeah..

An Exel Scream 2.7 - The only stick fitted with the Mega Tahka blade
ya...

i'll post more pictures of my stick later...
cant wait for the next training..

yippee..

lol
well,
yesterday was quite a hectic day..
the ip girls are participating in some floorball tournament at Valhall.
went to coach them for the match, Mr chow thinks i got potential to teach them...
lol

i'll decide tht l8r...
the girls lost..haha

11 -0
lol

not a bad score though, but that girl from Bedok Town team was quite good at her drag shots..
6 goals out of the 11 were drags by her... and the rest were either lucky or own goals..
yups...

had an interesting time with ian after the match,
played a fun game...haha,

but ian communicated something in that game..
defense is the basic requirement for an attack..

lol
but true..

oh...
gtg

i have electives at DSO until 630pm
aaaaahhhh

bbye
:D

2008-07-09T09:59:00.004+08:00

"The Diary Of Jane"
Breaking Benjamin

If I had to
I would put myself right beside you
So let me ask
Would you like that?
Would you like that?

And I don't mind
If you say this love is the last time
So now I'll ask
Do you like that?
Do you like that?

No!

Something's getting in the way.
Something's just about to break.
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane.
So tell me how it should be.

Try to find out what makes you tick.
As I lie down
Sore and sick.
Do you like that?
Do you like that?

There's a fine line between love and hate.
And I don't mind.
Just let me say that
I like that
I like that

Something's getting in the way.
Something's just about to break.
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane.
As I burn another page,
As I look the other way.
I still try to find my place in the diary of Jane.
So tell me how it should be.

Desperate, I will crawl
Waiting for so long
No love, there is no love.
Die for anyone
What have I become?

Something's getting in the way.
Something's just about to break.
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane.
As I burn another page,
As I look the other way.
I still try to find my place in the diary of Jane.

2008-07-08T16:11:00.002+08:00

well....
contrary to what people are thinking about my last post...
i think i should explain what was meant by the last post..

Me + 0 = Mystery

When i started out with nothing, "0", it was almost like a mystery to me, coz evn i dint know the solutions...

Me + 1 = Fun Outing

After a while, i found certain clues that made me happy, the same happiness, you get when u find something that had been lost for a long time.

Me + Angel = LIFE

And when i met this amazingly awesome person, i realised that, idols are something, that i need to havr in life...and that is when i started thinking about life..about my future... and the time (life till now) i spent finding that idol.

Me + Angel + LIFE = L O V E <3

now, when i put everything together, i remind myself, of all the moments, and events that occured...makes me appreciate them and learn from them...
ya..

but maybe the last post dint really reflect what i wanted to say...in my last post..
but well, now that i hve posted everything...

:(
well its alright, i mean, its true...i dont know anything, abt " " relations...
thts why, i came to u, to experience it, learn from it...and believe it or not, I AM.

but if u think so, then i guess, it has to be true..
since
at the end of the day...

Presumptions does fills the mind of the third person.

i dont know what to do,
i am in a shock after coming to know certain things...but

well, i think i lagged behind somewhere..
having high fever, right now...

but guess, thats truly irrelevant to the topic...

i gotta go...

i m very very sick right now, and i dont feeel like posting anymore...

shocked...
:(

2008-07-07T01:38:00.003+08:00

Me + 0 = Mystery
Me + 1 = Fun Outing
Me + Angel = LIFE
Me + Angel + LIFE = L O V E <3

2008-07-06T04:47:00.002+08:00

well,
i dont know what to say,
i mean,

my absence is just the right thing...as it is visible, but if thats one of the paths, then i dont mind taking it for the sake of...

deep inside me those small things, hit me like a dart..
but haiz, no one can do anything much about it...

guess, those expectations, those dreams were like just just blurred...
MY FAULT!!!,

but, was there any intention of commiting it unless, there is a reason...its too hard, to tell,
it just is...
thought maybe atleast you'd understand it...
yes..

so well, today was quite lazy, IN a SENSE...yups...
the movie was quite ok, the concept was okay...
and now, i m sitting at changi, trying to do dont know what...

wait was that a deep head...or a deep pain in the heart..?????????
maybe the later....

. .
-

Cyberbeast...