After reading all that, the one thing I definitely directed my attention to was to understand why NOW, at this point in time, what you might have said in the past.. is so contradictory! Somehow, back in time, I really did think that maybe you finally see me for the person I wanna be to you. But more than ever, it was just a force pushing you further away. You lied to me? for what, I ask?
I guess it is just plain incorrect to say that "3AM friends" understand each other the best, and I rest my case AGAINST that stupid newspaper article I read a few days ago. I was, well, or atleast tried to be a good "3AM friend". I don't know, if well, someone has ever done that for you, even after everything that we've been through, but you were blinded by the company of "someone". It's like that thing people put on a horse's face, so that it cant see sideways.. but only straight. When there WERE ppl at your side, they were in darkness for you. All they probably meant to you was a stupid black patch, never to realise that they were the ones, in fact, who supported you for ur 'partial' sideways blindness. But all you kept appreciating, is what you saw in front.. that "someone" who well in many ways and in countless definitions was no more than the semi-heroic Casanova. At least, Casanova had the decency to give up his sexual desires, when he met the one girl who changed his life. And here YOU are, probably waiting for YOUR Casanova to change colours, which is going to be hard... considering your choice of certain decisions. I have not asked you that one single question, that will make everything clear in my mind. I mean the answer to that question can solve the mystery of YOUR emotions, feelings.. and of the reason as to why you are nothing but a (in Hindi) "raand" to your so called "man of your life" Casanova. I will ask you that question more soon than ever, because for a thousand reasons and one I NEED TO MAKE PEACE with it too, because somewhere somehow, in the shadows of this super-long "episode", I too played a part and I too, got hurt (maybe more so than ever).
Some people have been talking about Silences and how special these are to well these people, but I think they forget to acknowledge the fact that, with silence comes along so many, unwanted necessities. I call them necessities because somewhere down the line, without these, relations just BREAK. I mean literally! Silence can be desired only when before silence, what needs to be conveyed, IS conveyed.. and NECESSARILY through sound, speech, words. Humans have YET to discover and hopefully, master the art of speaking to others with their minds. Very vaguely, people think they can "connect" to others without speaking, and while I don't doubt such existence of psychic connections, I highly doubt it starts and ends with SILENCES. To cultivate such connections, to reach the deeper side of a person (with whom to connect), there is so much to know, and to do. While you tend to rest away from all these, it makes everything difficult. Pretty much is the case with what is going on with you too. You never spoke, Mr. Ben(efits) thought "you were a dumbass weirdo" (quoting Mr. Ben himself) and while those were the thoughts in his mind, you were on a completely different place, imagining more romantic situations only to be interpreted completely differently by your "Made me believe in..." guy!
But I don't blame you for this, and nor do I want you to see it that way or infer anything along those lines from this post, because every person is different, and hence unique. Maybe, the best way to connect with you is through Silences, silences that don't ever make sense to others but that is what is unique about you.
When someone does indeed realise that, that person is in maybe the same kind of place, that someone else has been in.. and you know that, you cant get what you want, if it were me, I'd try working it out in reverse, and try making it better for at least one person. But you don't see that.
I wish I could ask you to talk to your best friend from a not so distant past, because in many ways, she went through the same thing as you with her Mr. V! But I am nobody to tell you that!
For a moment there, I really thought, that those things were about me, I mean I just glanced through the words, and somehow those happenings were in my mind too, until I read a little carefully, to know more about "dancing", "castles" and the epic "falling". I knew these weren't the words. It felt like the feeling you have when you think you are gonna get a present, and its only when you have the present in your hand, you realise its not even meant for you. Makes you feel so rejected, and discarded.
With everything happening in life right now, being discarded is the only thing I deserve. I guess, I AM the perfect epitome of being a perfect LOSER!!
PS - I wish u2 get bck, cuz aftr tht I'll be free 2 go away frm u completely. I don't wanna be the reason for parting u anyways, or atleast that is what Ben thinks, and for a major part, I think so too. sigh.
