So, right now.. I am in a position, from where I can not see beyond, and neither can I turn back. In such a binding state, I am forced to move on forward.. trodding along the same dreaded path, until maybe I find a detour, or maybe a completely different path. But the walk is long, and tiring, and is extremely dull and sad. It doesn't have colour to say the least. But I need to still keep walking, which I am, but only to keep questioning myself... So when does my destination come in sight?!

So unsure I am right now, about whats about to come next, that it is eating me up like poison. On the surface, there isnt much change, but deep down beneath, the reactions are already getting onto my nerves and slowly, WILL eventually consume my entire self.

I know I am gonna be rejected soon by someone/something.. and till then I will in this state of confusion. But the poison has still not reached THAT deep in my heart, so as to deteriorate the HOPE of a chance that I might not be rejected and denied shamefully. That hope is precisely what keeps me trying to fight it out.. but I can't say anything, until I see some concrete proof.

All in all, the past few months have been nothing, but a wreck, eating me out.. like a predator grubbling on its prey.. and leaving nothing but the bones for to decompose.

I need a little more hope. and obviously something concrete.. until then my eyes will be shadowed.. and I hope my next creation captures it all.

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So how does it feel to be DEFEATED? defeated by no one else BUT you. Can one truely be defeated by oneself? I sure do think so. I made that picture on top, because somewhere somehow, it feels very apt, to imagine a face, hidden in sight from the viewer. I can see that face, my face, mine right there, trying to avoid everything.. avoiding those eyes, avoiding those conversations, avoiding YOU. On a different note, I am glad things are working out well for you. But I am still hurt. Coming back to what I was talking about.. I know when they say, your own true enemy is no one but You. never really experienced it before, but ever since... YOU show up in my life, things are going on a rollercoaster rush. And up until now I cant pick myself up. Not blaming anyone but myself. Why? cause I was blind, I was driven mad at the sound of it.

AIEEE was yesterday. The question paper got leaked somewhere in the country and the exam got postponed and while that was happening, a new set of question papers was being delivered across the country. The leaked question paper was replaced by a new one, which according to tutors, turned to be more KILLER than the one that got leaked. So in many ways, those that leaked the paper, screwed the entire country's takers. And as for me, I had a bad time (DUH!). and before I start to talk about that, here's what a newspapers article read this morning "AIEEE Physics was extremely difficult, Chemistry - nominally difficult and Maths was just difficult". And well that fits in my situation as well.. but I screwed up Chem, more even so than Physics and Maths. I cud only do 5 questions of the 30 asked. I knew many others, just wasnt 100% sure, and with the stupid, NEGATIVE marking (-1/4 mark for every wrong answer) I dint take my chances. But this was just the beginning of what followed next.. PARENTS!!! At the end of the exam, i let them know how i did.. they started terrorizing me with my wrongdoing about not having been able to solve a lot of questions. At times, I feel as if they have a problem with their memories... I mean, I had 3 fucking months to study a subject from level 0 and while others have 2 years to do the same piece of work. The course have 40+ chapters. Every chapter worth 20 pages of chemical gibberish that does not, intrigue me even a little. And yet even after all that, they fucking expect to have at least solved 20 out of 30 questions??!!! i mean WTF!! I really wanted to jump out of the car, cuz frankly that would have been just so much better than having to listen to them.. and when I try to explain myself, all I got was - well, a chance to NOT talk. I was pissed, and frustrated.. and i said things that I shouldnt have. I mean, I said some really rude stuff to my parents, only regretting it later... but when you push someone (like me) over a certain limit, what else CAN someone do?? The thing I detest about my parents (particularly someone), is that their method of "making me learn" or "grooming" me at my age is completely wrong. They are like Usain Bolts of throwing negative comments, and criticizing. THEY NEVER BOTHER to give their criticism a more, CONSTRUCTIVE side. The whole fucking world is like some kind of a ball filled only with negativity. Sigh.

Everything's gone from bad to worse, and while a friend of mine claims "it'll be over soon", I don't see an end coming soon, mate. I really need someone.. someone my age, who understands what I am going through, all this stupid loneliness, and disconnection from the world.. is turning me into someone I dont wanna be. Obviously, THIS is not as important as being able to answer at least 20 questions out of 30. And while this, they dont care, about the other part of the paper, which sort of went well. But like I said, NEGATIVE is ALL They see!!

I could really use some good news soon, though I am not expecting any.

Someone come to me.. I need you more than ever.

A small personal composition, for a departing thought..

Cant feel the wind brush my face,
lost in sorrow,
i feel my life is just a waste

so much hurt inside
darkness in my thoughts
too many times have i cried

cant feel the sunlight warm my skin
i cant take it anymore
the sadness grows from within

broken wings, i can no longer fly
i am the fallen hero
all i want is to die

cant feel the cold kiss my cheek
im giving up,
i accept my defeat

i punch those walls
i bleed out all the pain
i cant belive it ended like this....

cant feel the essence of my soul
my heart stops beating
ive finally let go

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