So what does it feel like to fall down this badly and not be able to get back up because you know you are going to end up just there again??! Well I have exactly that going through my mind because it applies to me pretty clearly. Ever wondered things could go so wrong? Of course, everyone does see the positive and negative side of things, but does anyone, did I for that matter, ever imagine it to go down the drain so quickly and painfully? I guess not! Probably because I was living in a dreamworld when I was supposed to be seeing the "negative side" of things. Oh, that dream world! Part of that DREAM was actually much of a reality. I mean, I wouldn't have even thought in my dreams that I would actually be so close to you, so close that I'd be able to hear you breathe, feel you move and the gentle calm winds just turning the silence of the late night into the subtlety of the dawn. I remember trying to hold you tight and wanting to give you the warmth that I sincerely thought you deserved especially after all that YOU went through. I tried to be a hero, tried to make your problems my own and drive them away. I was so much like the stereotypical spy ~ working behind the scenes to ensure the success of a mission. Just my mission went totally wrong. I remember the heightened sense of breaking rules standing on the other side against authority, with you, clutching your tiny hands, silently admiring the enchanted texture of your skin and of the little fingers that felt like fragile glass.. the imagery, even when I think of it today can not match the reality of it. That's the thing with me I guess... for NORMAL people, reality can not reach imagination, while for someone pathetically ABNORMAL like me, even imagination comes down to it's knees trying to match up to the reality of what I went through, went through with you. Oh, it was beautiful and eternally timeless, the times, and of course, you were too. Only had I known the way it was going to turn out the way it did, only if i knew, that you were in a completely different place, only if i hadn't listened to your "soul sister", Maybe just MAYBE i wouldn't be shedding tears of sadness, grief, defeat and loss right now. So many people don't understand why I still even talk to you. They tell me tales of break ups and parting and 2 people not wanting to even look at each other leave alone talking. And what most still don't understand is why I forgave? Well, i dunno if i'll ever be able to give them an answer to that, but what my conscience is based upon for this question is that, before the start of it all, i had started envisioning what we'd be like, and although the real picture never took the expected shades, I knew that if even something were to come out of this, then it would have to be about what I can give to that entity comprising "US". And forgiveness was one thing that was pretty much the easiest thing to "give" for "US". After exactly 26 months since the last time I remember having any hopes for you to.... well, any hopes at all, I am still stuck in the middle of something.
I still don't understand where I went wrong, or is there something I dint do well enough. Each story needs the characters to bide to their role so as to even hope for the story to be appreciated. I just didn't do enough. Hell I don't even know if the story is yet finished or if the book's even got any more chapters.
I want to know where I am going wrong because it seems like all I have done is made the wrong choices, but I don't think that my first, and definitely the only choice, about you was wrong, but why am I where I am right now? why am i on the losing side of battles, the losing side of life...? if this is meant for a greater good, then why did i lose the one thing i really wanted, one thing that I thought wouldn't be a gamble but a sure shot investment with guaranteed returns. Even the best banks in the world can't predict such investments and there I had it in my mind. I think about you and suddenly I start tracing back behind 26 months, and the alternative path seems so much better... if only you had given me the chance. So how do I pick myself from here, without shedding a single tear and not reminisce the lovely you, the lovely imagery of us in the darkest moments.. the warmth, the connection (or atleast I thought so)...
i wanna scream, and demand some higher authority to put me back in time, and let me hold you so close, let your hands be in mine, let your hair be in my face, and my scarred heart feel the tenderness of yours and let me believe that NOTHING CAN GO WRONG as long as I am with you.
but then again, THAT would hurt even more so than every, cuz despite everything I can't deny the fact that your "alliance lies with someone else", and this is probably never what you wanted either.
but no matter what i try to do,
the only thing i can do, is utter,
a silent scream.
please talk to me, comfort me about this... even after so much time when I thought that I had finally let it go, a dream made it bring it all back.. all back...
i... i miss you.
but sigh, i forget, i can only scream silently. you can't hear this.
:(
even if you can't hear me, i still do, in the innocence of everything we did back then, miss you very much.