welcome back!

This is a little weird considering how long it has been since I did this. But today a time has come and I just really have to do this. A lot has changed in these past few weeks, months maybe, and I have had it till here about it..

I am not gonna bother catching up with times, I am gonna jump straight to the point this time.

I tried doing it all over again. Forgetting everything that happened... and considered a new start.
And yet I don't know why it seems like you've just made up your mind about me. I still believe you are one of the nicest people I have ever met but why can't all that I think about you, which is actually true, why can't some of that be directed at me? I mean I deserve to be treated like a human being right? All i really wanted was to be a good friend. Someone you could trust and not fucking accuse of being condescending.

one day, maybe one day, you'll see what I really wanted to tell you.

I do not quite understand what this is all really about...

I am sorry
for everything.

 cyberbeast

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Whilst this be your prerogative, I shall respect it! But you seem to have gone a bit toooooo far this time. Never really thought you'd be this absent as a friend. I thought you did understand me, I still think I did not make a mistake in that judgement but you are forcing me to think otherwise..

Anyways, THAT is not even why I am back here in the first place, I am here to talk about something that's been going on around me, and sadly the only other participant in this happens to be someone I do not want participating..

You claim to have gone through a fucking "change" in life and whatever it is that you have been doing is a result of that.. but the only phrase that comes to my mind, is nothing other than.. WHAT THE FUCK!!!! no one just suddenly changes THAT much... and while you keep telling me all about these stupid changes, I do keep observing certain pre-change era conditions you maintain with other people... so now people have started changing for ME??? I am not jealous or anything... You can do whatever you want, but i can't stand you lying to me about it at my face... I really can keep going on and on and on about this, but then I have to realize that this is not gonna help anyone... so just let it go...

think of all the awesome things that you have around you right now, think of that person who just came into your life, and who deserves every single gram of your thoughts right now.

cyberbeast

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I am back here, after quite some time.. lots of things have passed since the last time and more importantly, nothing's changed as such, or maybe things HAVE changed but then change has become such a constant in life, that it doesn't seem like something different at all. But things were piling up so badly that I kinda lost track of everything that I wanna let out...

I'll start, first, with a stupid thing that I did, unknowingly and with a good intention to a very sweet person... I think, we, at some point in our lives take our opinions for granted. I took mine and threw it at this incredibly amazing person, only to realize (when it was too late), that I actually hurt her. I always think of never ever doing anything to hurt anyone, and here I am standing in front of that statement, getting whacked on the face by my own contradictions. I wish I could take it back, or rather make it sound a little less harsher... I mean, after all, I only want her to be happy... But there is a reason, why it WAS necessary for me to go down the rash road, is because, I don't think it's unfair for you to blame yourself for something that wasn't even your fault. You're caging yourself inside.. when you should be the person staring at you OUTSIDE the cage.. pointing a finger at the exotic creature inside. BUT THEN AGAIN, DOESN'T GIVE ME THE FUCKING RIGHT TO HURT ANYONE... I need to know that she has her feelings invested into this... How would I feel if someone comes to me and tells me what a wrong thing it is to have spent time, spent thoughts, spent emotions on something??
Words can't be taken back, but an emotion (that of, apology) CAN be conveyed... and that's all I am feeling for right now. :(

I haven't been well for a while now.. I dunno WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with me.. I seem to have lost my appetite... COMPLETELY.... yesterday it just got worse, and I had to start a course of pain-killers so that my body doesn't give away to the SHIT that's enveloped me.

Yesterday night, made me realize, how much I miss her... I do keep thinking of her from time to time, but I never really thought it would get this bad...I reminisced all the times we were together... all the things we did, and how SPECIAL they were to me... and somehow.. it all got snatched away from me (for a fault of my wrong doing only)... I almost hallucinated... imagining her standing right in front of me, bending down over my face as if to whisper something to me... I could smell her hair, feel her warm breath across my cold face as she was uttering words that I could not make out... I was looking into her eyes... and then time stopped. Wind stopped blowing, I felt warm suddenly, but everything was silent... so silent... I tried to scream, but apparently I couldn't, but then she reached out to grab my hand and there it was, her little hands in mine... I swear I could have had a "mental" orgasm at that moment... because I nothing could have made me do anything else but hold her hands in that moment. And then she started walking away.... slowly like the fading of the music at the end of a movie, it occurred to me that, I was gonna lose her like the way I did. I start screaming yet again, but no sound came... I choked myself to see if there's something wrong with my vocal cords.... but there wasn't... and like the worst nightmare... she walked away... and I lost her again. Sigh.

Texting her in the middle of the night also kinda didn't really help... I wish I could go to her, and cry in front of her... and beg for a warm hug...
sigh,
it's been years since... :( :( :( :(  but I still can't seem to get you outta my mind, or my heart... THAT night, still comes to my mind, and makes me happy and haunts me at the same time. sigh.

I am sorry, but I do, love you.

I think it's weird how when you feel so strongly about someone, how you wanna do anything for that person... how you can walk the edges of life... to wanna be with that person...

HOW THEN, could you, Sandesh, have made a friend feel something else...? How could you have not seen the fact that whatever she's going through, you also did go through at a point of time, even though things were a little different, but the crux of it all.. still the same.....

I am sorry.

oh... and there's this another thing I need to get out of me.. but then I think that can wait till the next post... that one's full of lies and deceit, not something that goes well with the tone of this post... another time i guess..

The Silence keeps it easy
keeps your safe for the moment
as you're walking away
your footsteps get louder
all you needed was time,
but now time will destroy us.

It will all be over, and here we are
we're stuck inside this salted earth together.
You'll pierce my lungs
my limbs go bumb
as my colours fade out.


You watch me bleed
you watch me bleed


i gave you everything to die with a smile
all you wanted was to live for a while,
you took everything but it left you empty
you cant replace me, you cant


its almost over and here we are
we're stuck inside this salted earth together.
you'll pierce my lungs,
my limbs go numb
as my colours fade out.


You watch me bleed,
you watch me bleed.

It'll all be over, and here we are
we'll die inside this salted earth together,
you'll pierce my lungs,
my limbs'll go numb
as my colours fade out

YOU WATCH ME BLEED!
YOU WATCH ME BLEED!

:( :( :(

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Ever wanted to hate someone whom you never thought you'd like so much??

I DO!

and now, more so than ever.. especially when I saw proof of her stupid ignorance with my own eyes..
somehow, i wanna ask her something one more time, just once before killing it off completely.. but right now, even the thought of her irritates me so much.

i highly doubt I'll ask her what I want to.. she can go do whatever she wants... as what one of her close friends told me a while back, I think she definitely will be on the losing side of it.

she, and her stupid lies..
can't believe i got caught up in those...

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I am back here after a lot of thinking. I have been banging my head onto the bloody wall, which, well literally stains with blood splatters and I've reached onto a conclusion. - I AM TURNING INSANE!! You are driving me insanely mad. I am confused, as to what I should do about this situation in my hand.

Everyone keep telling me to get over you, but I find myself losing words trying to tell them that it is not even about getting over you anymore. It's more about whether and WHY I am on the verge of losing another amazing person i like. The more people keep telling me to get over you, it makes me wanna try harder to go and do those things people tell me not to do... how can i resist NOT TALKING TO YOU, how i can i let go off the temptation to look at you every once in a while and see if you are smiling or not? or how can I accept the fact that you seemingly (even though you may not) pretend to hate me. I, too, am not opting for a commitment cause I myself can't bear the thoughts of losing you, but then I am already on the verge of losing you.. To me, you are like a cliffhanger. The story at this point is balanced on such a crucial and delicate point that it is hard to predict what will happen next.

If I could start over again, I would... do things differently. For one thing, I would never give into your friendly gestures to tell you stuff I shouldn't. But, to wish for a start over is completely wishful thinking. I can't dwell into that region right now.. It's too voodoo..

But if i can, I would wanna first apologize to you..and make peace for every wrong thing I might have done to you, and then I would ask you for a chance to let me prove to you that I can be a much better friend. I dunno what you think of me... I really wish you'd trust me and tell me... I am not like the others... I swear, I am not.
I am least bothered about whether some other person wants to talk to me or not, but it matters extremely to me that YOU talk to me..cause somehow that is the way I feel. I can't stop myself for feeling like that, and if you'd want, I CAN give it up, but I need you to tell me that...

Please, just please,
Put aside your thoughts, and talk to me, I long for those conversations again, I long for those smiles that I can contribute for.

And now, here's something I wrote a couple of years back... (//EDIT - NOT RELATED TO WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT ABOVE)

From the moment I looked into you eyes

it whirled my blue skies

And now months have passed, we haven't spoke.

Everytime I close my eyes, I see your face,

There are many things I miss about you, so much so I write them here...

I miss the way you held me tight

I miss the way your lips touched mine

I miss the way we kissed each other goodnight

I miss the way you looked into my eyes

I miss how I could trust you.

Now I've lost all the trust, you were the only one I loved

I've tried so hard just to move on but simply I cant!

I know I am only young but I can't love again!

My heart is broken and cannot be fixed

All my feelings are mixed!

I love you and forever you stay in what is left of my broken heart!!

What's going on right now seems like "last time" repeating all over again. I can't go through that all over again/

Please... just give me another chance..

I do not wanna lose you. I really don't.

If I move on, like the others keep telling me to, I will lose you for good... because you anyways don't talk to me. If I let go of the fight to try and get us to talk back again, I will lose you as a friend, and like i said before, i cant bear the thoughts of that. 

please give me a chance.

:(

"I am not saying goodbye, i can't...you are too good for me, and I wanna keep you"

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What does it feel like when you get something new, you play around with and totally fall in love with it, but for some reason, you do something that forces you to part ways with it...?? Some could argue, but for most of the part I too think I am feeling that way. Such primitive and baby instincts are getting on to me..

When it starts, it feels like heaven, and like an intoxication, it spreads into your mind pushing you over boundaries that you once thought you'd never enter. But you can't escape it once you've entered it. It's like entering the next dimension.. I compare it to a whole new dimension, because.. it exists, only hiding from our obvious senses. Do we ever feel the x, y, z and the time dimensions??

I feel like I am standing on this huge clock... trying to jump over the rotating hands.. and I can see the hands moving in on me.. because I know that I won't be able to keep jumping all the time. 

Who am I kidding? I miss you.. I miss you so much, that even saying that missing you seems like an understatement.. but what CAN I do?? There was a time, when I felt I could've done anything and everything for you, but here I stand, ONLY to realise that in reality, I can't do shit... I think about that night on the third of the fourth month of 2009 and all I can do is, console my heart and tell myself, that maybe it really was just a fluke.. it happened just by mistake. It just wasn't meant to be. I still stay up dreaming about that night.. when we both let everything go.. I miss you way too much.. 

And now like deja vu.. i m right back where I was a long time ago... I regret telling you what I feel. YES, i may feel paranoid, but could you blame me for it? I've never done all this relationship.. bgr, gf thingies ever... and I don't even know what I am supposed to feel.. like.. but this is hard... THIS IS WAYY too hard.. 

And now you keep engaging in conversations about anti-"THAT THING" perspectives.. and that just means one thing, I am gonna reach a dead end... hit the wall... crashing into it badly.. i can pretty much sense things going in that direction.

I"LL BE BACK TO CONTINUE THIS POST!! GOTTA GO TALK TO, well, YOU!

//EDIT

so I am back again.. right where I wanted not to..

anyways.. so like i was saying, you are giving me these weird ideas, which I do not want to pursue, because they aren't just hard as hell, but much more than fatal. I wish I hadn't told you. I was so much better off without having to wonder what it would be like.. if we... well you know... GOD why did I HAVE to be such a fool and rush into things..

shit, and now it's gonna be another failure on my hands... the stains of which are gonna sting badly.. sting like the stupid wound I got today.. haha.. though I LOVED it.. I love the adrenaline rush of the game, of the fall... its just awesome.. haha. But FUCK, i can't even walk properly now..

I think about stuff, and i realise that I can comfortably compare this "physical" pain to the more "not so physical and yet so painful" pain. I wonder why I have landed hand in hand with these "pains" so badly... And even through all these,

I miss you so badly,

and yet i can't do shit about it..

i wanna imagine those times, those memories, those clicks and ticks when I imagined us being together..

I don't wanna even talk to anyone right now..

:(

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Sigh, Again I am back here,

this is just wrong! everything with you is going down the road that I dint want it to. Who thought I'd be so stupid to believe that nothing would change...?? Of course, Everything changes!! PERIOD! I wish I could turn back time, and flip back into the chapters where I told you what I shouldn't EVER have. I know its unfair to assume, what I am thinking, but every second longer I have to wait for you to say something, every second longer I have to wait for you to ask, I can't help resist but to think that the "magic" is disappearing away. Hate this ignorance phase, but is there a fucking way out of this??

I can't decide whether I am angry or just simply confused! I wish I'd find an answer to that SOON! Because, things are really turning south...

And again, without doing anything and just being completely honest... sigh, I hate to say, but I screwed up!

How easy it is for me to just appear somewhere and mess everything up. People think I am clean, and neat and tidy.. and yet I can't even wipe my own mess. What a stupid irony?! Maybe it's for the best, this time I shouldn't even try at all!

Sigh, I don't wanna let go of everything that started, spawned off! That was just awesome, really. I could live and RElive that the moment AGAIN and AGAIN and again! But I had hopes that maybe this time, i'd be living newer moments only to keep expecting more fresh moments to come. But, of course, THAT's not gonna happen... so what's the next step? Frankly speaking, I have no idea!! I am still hoping you'd understand certain things, and let go of, (and IF THERE IS), the fear!!

I'll be back here again, sooner than I thought I would..

But then, I am hoping things might have changed till then..

And till the next time, i wanna think about this...


Long ago
Just like the hearse, you die to get in again
We are so far from you

Burning on
Just like a match you strike to incinerate
The lives of everyone you know

And what's the worst you take
(Worst you take)
From every heart you break
(Heart you break)
And like a blade you stain
(Blade you stain)
Well, I've been holding on tonight

What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

Came a time
When every star fall
Brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold

And what's the worst you take
(Worst you take)
From every heart you break
(Heart you break)
And like the blade you stain
(Blade you stain)
Well, I've been holding on tonight

What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

Well, if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight

Can you hear me?
Are you near me?
Can we pretend?
To leave and then
We'll meet again
When both our cars collide

What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight

Well, if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight


sigh...
cyberbeast

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