Why does everyone want me to hate you? I mean, yes u made mistakes.. but so what?? i make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes... doesnt mean i go around hating everybody.. there ARE people who do that... but well its usually those outcasted people...

I was talking to an incredibly wonderful person today :) and well, somehow she thinks i should hate this someone because the someone screwed me over.. and i was like well.. you ARE gonna meet people in your life who have screwed other people... and just as well might screw you up.. and to that her reply was... "bleh! Dude, she screwed you over, you should HATE her!" haha.. well i know it sounds all weird from her perspective.. but being a person directly involved/affected(/hurt?) by this.. i can tell.. that she wasnt such a bad person after all... and it's really not her fault she doesnt like me like me. haha, and like HALLLOOO!!!! i would never wanna force her to do that.. would i?

sigh, just wanna get past some things... yeah.. anyways.. to the incredibly wonderful person.. i m sorry, but the things we talked about are not gonna happen ever... EVER sounds like a bit too far fetched.. but i can promise you its not gonna happen soon.. haha i kinda put my everything into making the last one work.. and after reaching a certain stage.. the plan just failed.. haha.. and i m really sorry i had to reject "proposals".. i m not in the mood.. or in the place ti go through it all again..

haha, and plus.. i just dont.. i dont.. so really dont bother talking about it the next time...

yeah.. time's come to a very weird place now.. everything is so fucking uncertain.. and this is almost killing me.. things are just gonna get pretty much fucked up when i make the transition from the extremely flexible to the fucking extremely rigid! life's a bitch.. literally..

back again later..
FUCK THE SYSTEM!

cyberbeast.

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i am really thinking whether all of this is going right.. at this moment, it doesnt even seem like it is close to being right at all...
in some level of sense, maybe it is... i mean a's are turning pretty okay till now, but then there are other things that are not so well to do, if you know what i mean.
recently, well yesterday, someone left..and by left i mean, it was like the last good bye in a long time. And then come all the reminiscences of the past... the past that could never be, the way it should have been in some ways.. and so what do i do? i let down meaningless tears that just collect on my shirt that very well reminds me of a wonderful year. it's like that person always breaks my heart when she flies away. seems like a good imagery for a movie... but trust me, nothing even comes closer to the amount of pain and sadness it leaves behind. I still wonder, with good intentions, why did i lose out? why couldn't she trust me? why did WE lose? and then i get this voice in my head shouting wildly at me, YOU ARE A LOSER SANDESH.. WHAT BETTER CAN YOU EXPECT? and i am like, well yeah it is true that i am a loser... but i counter argue TO MYSELF.. saying, if i was a loser i wouldnt have found her, wouldn't have met the perfect person if i was a loser.. i still remember the warm touch, the soft sensation on my.. and the look..the eyes, the hands.. oh my it truely felt like heaven around her... but like any other safe haven for the gods.. why be kind to people who don't belong there? right?? would u treat the devil with the luxury of heaven...?? and so i guess... with the last goodbye,,, everything just ended... went down the drain.. I wish you could have tried to talk like the ORIGINAL you.. in the last few hours.. just tried to make me happy before ending it off.. i miss her, i miss the real HER.. i really do, the REAL her.. was the first and preferably the last HER, there's gonna be. I cant take it. Its hard as it is.. and with all this it keeps getting worse. I am sorry. If i m a bad person, i guess i deserved to not be with you. like jesus had the last supper.. i wish we had a special last.. something too.. sigh.. i cant believe it's gonna be over. I love you and never less, only more.

sigh,
help me pick myself up.. i m not strong enough.
give me the strength to see it through,
i cant seem to forget you.

i m sorry.
i hate myself.. as much as u hate me too.

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