i am really thinking whether all of this is going right.. at this moment, it doesnt even seem like it is close to being right at all...
in some level of sense, maybe it is... i mean a's are turning pretty okay till now, but then there are other things that are not so well to do, if you know what i mean.
recently, well yesterday, someone left..and by left i mean, it was like the last good bye in a long time. And then come all the reminiscences of the past... the past that could never be, the way it should have been in some ways.. and so what do i do? i let down meaningless tears that just collect on my shirt that very well reminds me of a wonderful year. it's like that person always breaks my heart when she flies away. seems like a good imagery for a movie... but trust me, nothing even comes closer to the amount of pain and sadness it leaves behind. I still wonder, with good intentions, why did i lose out? why couldn't she trust me? why did WE lose? and then i get this voice in my head shouting wildly at me, YOU ARE A LOSER SANDESH.. WHAT BETTER CAN YOU EXPECT? and i am like, well yeah it is true that i am a loser... but i counter argue TO MYSELF.. saying, if i was a loser i wouldnt have found her, wouldn't have met the perfect person if i was a loser.. i still remember the warm touch, the soft sensation on my.. and the look..the eyes, the hands.. oh my it truely felt like heaven around her... but like any other safe haven for the gods.. why be kind to people who don't belong there? right?? would u treat the devil with the luxury of heaven...?? and so i guess... with the last goodbye,,, everything just ended... went down the drain.. I wish you could have tried to talk like the ORIGINAL you.. in the last few hours.. just tried to make me happy before ending it off.. i miss her, i miss the real HER.. i really do, the REAL her.. was the first and preferably the last HER, there's gonna be. I cant take it. Its hard as it is.. and with all this it keeps getting worse. I am sorry. If i m a bad person, i guess i deserved to not be with you. like jesus had the last supper.. i wish we had a special last.. something too.. sigh.. i cant believe it's gonna be over. I love you and never less, only more.

sigh,
help me pick myself up.. i m not strong enough.
give me the strength to see it through,
i cant seem to forget you.

i m sorry.
i hate myself.. as much as u hate me too.