haha..

well i seriously dont know what to do..??
should i doubt everyone around me....??

but when things lead only to one POINT..
i cant be no different in not accepting it..

but still have hopes surrounded..
things are being tried to said indirectly...so not in the rhythm of things...
i mean, not exactly..

well...
even then
it seems...
i will the ONE forever...

seems like i have engraved it in me...



yes, i have..


well today was quite a relaxed day..
free of projects and homework..
next week is review week and i have to study..
next week is also SSEF and i have to prepare WELL!!!

but how...
so much distraction...
so much noise..
so much thinking..

i just dont know what to do..
i brain's gonna fry


but at the moment i am thinking about somethings said tonite..

"but why would you care?"

i couldnt balance myself..
lost control..

is it an indication, or was it just said..?
i would be glad in accepting the latter option..



anyways..

bye bye
tk care


SANDESH
:D

oh ya...and this "fake NJ" GUY.. can you please act as a gentleman and be kind enough to do the honours....b4 i have to force it..
and then who wanted modifications here...??
it reflects you best...

mind it...

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found something interesting...



DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH :
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

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please dont make me reach the final conclusion...
please prove me wrong..

you still have time..
you do..



why are you doing this to me?
i mean, ok fine..
its your life..
you do whatever you want to...

but shouldnt i have received such such
"presents" too..??
i mean , yeah for me...its just more than presents or gifts..



i dint know..you could be so mean...


i think, its because of me that all this is happening.
and that the solution lies with me..ONLY




although the incident or should i say the "event" has already taken place, but



why the f'ing hell is this happening?





sometimes you try to be someone...
the other times, you are nowhere near it..
(not for me atleast..)


i think i shouldnt care much about it..
but yes...it is affecting me..





i m sorry..
thank you
:(




cia the next time you wanna fly and meet me at some unexpected place
(past references....more than a year ago...so dont be panicked if you dont understand this bit)

angel(less)

i wont interfere at all..i will ignore everything..
maybe then you'll realise...that i


nvr mind

sandesh
:(

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i cant take it anymore..
i mean come on, sometimes i feel that things are changing..

but then suddenly i realise that the things are the same as they were
i mean...

what dint i do?
i mean...
i can understand the fact that 1+1 and 1+2 has difference, but even then doesnt 1+2 have any importance..

k...fine, i may not be like "them" but is that a "good" reason to to justify and point out, something that can be so hurtful...more than anything...!!




i *#)@(....for you..
thinking why..
in this bloddy god dammed world cant HAPPINESS be the "big idea" of my day...

like wtf!!!

but never mind..

i guess, someday...someday i hope you'll realise that
i "was" something..

stress on that again
i "was" something...


but then it would have been too late to do anything..
but STILL....i will run like mad..
i will..


words are just to show some f'ing sympathy..
but it doesnt work with me..

i have said this earlier too..
diatribes dont affect me..


i mean...after all that..

all i hear is..
something that i die to hear like every second...
and whatever i hear, is intended to make me 4got those minutes...
where i was thinking about "everything"...

i mean...ya everyone has reasons,
but in this case...
are they justified in my favour..


i dont mean to be selfish or something..
but reflect on it...


i cant really believe you can NEGLECT everything..
and to remind you of something...


some time ago, you only told me...
something...



something...which was the first instance of its kind..
but that day...i was not "so" shocked to guess your reasons...



From the top to the bottom
Bottom to top I stop
At the core I’ve forgotten
In the middle of my thoughts
Taken far from my safety
The picture is there
The memory won’t escape me
But why should I care


There’s a place so dark you can’t see the end
Skies cock back and shock that which can’t defend
The rain then sends dripping / an acidic question
Forcefully, the power of suggestion
Then with the eyes shut / looking thought the rust and rot
And dust / a small spot of light floods the floor
And pours over the rusted world of pretend
The eyes ease open and its dark again



In the memory you’ll find me
Eyes burning up
The darkness holding me tightly
Until the sun rises up

Moving all around / screaming of the ups and downs
Pollution manifested in perpetual sound
The wheels go round and the sunset creeps behind
Street lamps, chain-link and concrete
A little piece of paper with a picture drawn floats
On down the street till the wind is gone
The memory now is like the picture was then
When the paper’s crumpled up it can’t be perfect again



In the memory you’ll find me
Eyes burning up
The darkness holding me tightly
Until the sun rises up

Now you got me caught in the act
You bring the thought back
I’m telling you that
I see it right through you


In the memory you’ll find me
Eyes burning up
The darkness holding me tightly
Until the sun rises up




i'll still
be there...



it was so mean..
how can ppl be so selfish...




but i think some decisions have to be made....and trust me or not..
they have already undergone execution..


:(
sandesh

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i mean....ya...logically it sounds so similar, but i never expected it to be so different..
i mean how do you think someone in my position would have felt like to be...

somehow somewhere....there is still that doubt, that i just cant raise, fearing the "aftereffects"..
but, all i can cherish is the fact that everything must go the way "it" wants to...

i mean who am i??
come on...
i mean, i accept i will feel bad...i will feel very very bad about it..
but then the only thing that will arise in my mind is..


who the f'ing hell am i???



feeling so lonely....so empty....no one to say "1+1=3"
but i hope things will change...
i mean, it always has...(towards the negative side),
but i am doing wrong..
i m playing it all wrong...


the element of the searching nature with certain features of ventriloquisms is being noticed...
the directions are diverging.... but the only thing that is still there..
is the physical proof..


but you are forcing me to reach a conclusion...
a horrible jar containing everything...
but as its fall is deemed, there will be that moment...where there will be no support..



well...

just came back from a walk with di and akshat...
went to the "Rock" haha..funny name
had quite an interesting time, trying to think about...


why the doubt was still raised...
and why could i see uncertainty in the thoughts..
left in the middle of the road...but i know this is going to come up again..


all i can say is...that, if possible, get an answer today..



well, as i was saying i was thinking about something that was like quite a good issue...
and around me was a good "environment"...agh wish those days come back...

with each wave, i thought all this wont be there tomorrow.., everything will depart in their own ways..but somehow...some people i would not be able to........
shit..

i dont wanna say anything anymore...but as each and every second passes by, it seems as if the END is coming near...
used to think sometimes that i could do anything....but now i doubt myself...
but i must strive to do in my best...coz at the end of the BIG day..
i am a lucky guy..i would say..

i mean come on
4years down the line....i dint trust any %(#*
but as soon as a i had a mental picture...


i knew that, this had to be it...

For four damn years...i was quiet..
for four silent years...i bared it all..



My %($* cane even stand against Mt. Everest...leave alone this...i cant even stand Olympus Mons...


i'll always be waiting...and my doors would always be open...
in a snap, everything will change...




hopes still in the heart!!


D:

Sandesh

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Our Dance performance video..


love y'all...

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haha..
the beautiful game will be tamed..
and circular motion will create the magic...


i will do it..

well...
you dint necessarily do anything, but whenever i read your mails or scraps, i just get
emm

happy...



so somehow all this mixed well with how my day went by that day..
so ya..





well today is going to be a quick one..




but erm


the changes can be seen...and
i just dont get it...
where did i lag so much so that
i couldnt live up to getting what i always expected and what others are getting which they never expected..


secrets behold...

coz no one actually realises the fact,
that maywhat the diatribes mean,
i wont lag behind..

as i always say..


with the gush of the next wind
so well...







somehow personal never doesnt remain personal 4ever..

same is the case here....but everything lies with the beholder,,,

the secret..
the truth
the love



and on top of everything

the happiness..



oh and....b4 interpreting anything wrong...please....think twice b4 implying a meaning..
talked about 7 (ya...counted myself) ppl...

surprising right..
but everyone has a special place in my heart..


love y'all
had a recent new entry..

thnx..




<3
Sandesh

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well...
it wasnt that bad i guess..


and shame on me to even think anything like that..

i am sorry...
and ya..i just have no words to say..



well, the past few days have been very "relieving" due to many things..!!
Valentine's Day went on very very well, a bit off the plan....but never the less, the point was the main aim, which was more important than anything..
oh ya...

HAPPY VALENTINE's DAY


well...i dont know how to say this..
but i wish i can stop time..


i just want to..

the reason for this is very very easily reflected somewhere.....i just just want this time to go on and on and on...
most of you wont realise this, but my heart's so heavy when i just typed the last line.....and even the thought of "it" gives a shiver in my spines, i cant imagine my condition when 'lines wont be in the same direction"...

why does this have to happen...
i just hope that, ppl will realise 'who i realy am'......just just hope it doesnt get too late for that...


shit...
i m...

nothing nothing..


with only limited moments to count on...i dont even trust these breezes..
the only thing i can trust is it..


for me this year is the year of the "relationship"
i pray....this year never ends.



whatever i do, whatever i say, whatever i think...,
it all converges to one point
that one point, is the definition of things i nvr expected..
definition of things i couldnt ever get...but somehow i DID..
and i just....



want to keep it FOREVER...
although i have to some time or the other have to accept that all this is going to end...
everything will end...


but this "end"
seems to come very very very very very near..
very near..


i can feel them through the salty (and highly reactive) drops of happiness and love


but even then...
as they say..

words once left...have no other choice but to stay out,
they just cant be taken back...cant be..



even i'll be there...until the "end"...not this "end" that i was cr.... (oops) unhappy about., but the "one"
or should i say even after that..

i will follow every step..
every command.




well...anyways..
i think i will have to be hard..



today was fun...morning started
with an unusual buzz about certain things..

then...i ordered my Floorball shoes, jersey (whose number was suggested to me by a very very dear person)...

everything went well..
PE was ok too...
couldnt run properly...(out of training..i guess)
played a bit of Floorball against 12
FUN


the rest of the day was fun..

has SL...
dropped down at the wrong center due to miscommunication..
then me and a "nice person" (haha) had a really hard time finding a bustop...which eventually led me to where i had to actually get down...
haha

life is fun
but somehow...







everything will be gone
EVERYTHING...

and i'll regret my life, if i would be unsuccessful in conveying...





:'(

sandesh



more to come..
keep waiting
and smiling..




thnx NJ..
thnx a lot!!!


:D

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YESTERDAY..
was

"the most" shocking day of my life.



how can the world be so cruel??? i can understand that "i m not the dude" and kind of things...but,
i thought..
but how does it matter now!!!



dont feel like talking to anyone..
all the while,
i selflessly gave in my best...and
then on one sudden day, i get to know, it was all for nothing..

maybe i was expecting too much out of myself or even others...
well...


so again
"the angel left" again

i dont think i'll be ever able to talk to anyone again...



after 4 years....i tried to trust someone...
i tried to change my views about things...
i tried to be good..
i tried to expect good out of others..



but i guess...things arent quite different from those 4 years ago...

why?? why??


went to Li'l India to visit a temple...
was ok...

came back...had the worst time of the month
was quite frustrated about somethings...
and on top of that..


ya..you know what i m gonna say..
all that i said above happened...


tried to keep myself cool...
went running and even cycled for a while...

still couldnt feel any better...
decided to play soccer...
the only game i can play to relieve myself.. from stress..

and the next thing..
in the field..




icried...i fucking cried...
i remembered all those little things that ever happened and how it got vanished in thin air, just by some words...that i dont know why...dint seem to leave my head that moment


slept in the field for a while...after chatting and dont know doing what garika, tanya and akshat

although not interested in what was happening among the 3 of them...but i guess He (of the 3) should tell both of 'em about this...for everyone's good..


all i can conclude from this...

i m a jackass...i m a god dammed looser..
i can never be the person i always wanted to be...
and ut of all,

i wont ever evr feel to be what it means to be a *** and to be ***** by a***



thats for it..
i hate myself...
i dont wanna talk to anyone..
please leave me alone...

sandesh

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been quite a while since i posted last..

well i guess,
it was worthwhile doing all the things...i did..





well the weeks been quite ok..
handed in the projects and assignments that were due...and now i m enjoying my chinese
new year
holidays..

yeah man..



have been going out in the morning for walks to ECP
with Di, Akshat, Garika and Tanya..


woah..
at last i could show di what i had been trying to show everyone in the hostel since the last year..


and well, even though di saw it, but the real beauty is only in seeing at night...which actually seems a bit impossible to do so..
but i m happy i could show di what i wanted to...

well...di tried to learn cycling...haha
tanya learnt in a go...

had a very interesting time trying to teach di and tanya to roller blade..
haha


all girls are so scared of pain...
come on man, i mean they have such high potentials of bearing pain, but even then
they are so scared of experiencing it..


and talk to me..
i am always jumping around here and there..

but everything for one reason..
just that one reason..




but somehow...i dont know.. i m scared!!!



while teaching di, she suddenly asked me something..
something that was almost impossible to answer, at least for me...

but the closest answer i can give her is
"the reason" that i was talking about above..


i can do anything...just anything...
to see that enormous grow even bigger.


talking about hearts..
i had a very very bad dream last nite..
and why do i even give a fuck about the dream...


its because..
because..


something that
di told me that nite..

"heart................problem"

oh man..
i cant...i just cant accept it



very sad coz of it..





today we all decided to go ECP walking and then come back walking..
well it was quite ok...
i mean if you consider going back and forth ALONE to be okay...



but i dint even think a second about it..
why???




coz you were doing something that you wanted to do...
and thats something that can give the best possible reason for happiness...








well, with that....i would again like to say..




MY DI ROX...
encore..


to the CORE..
yeah man..





SOME WEIRD REFLECTIONS
i am and will always be there..
dont worry...

whether you fall behind or in front...
within a second or two, with the next gush of wind...
i'll be there..


143







SaNdEsH
<3

Thats ME!!!!....or should i say THATS what i want to BE!!

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FUCK y'all
every single one of you...


dint know the world was so cruel,
today its a small thing, tomorrow it may be big enough that you may not be able to handle it, and
MAYBE it would be then, that you'd need me more than anyone...

but i doubt that..




today i realised that people can actually be so selfish even against people who actually care for them...but why would they care...




why is the Input > Output...
why cant it be Input = Output
or maybe even Input < Output
i am really shocked.... coz i always thought,
and maybe that is the reason, you NVR address me as a ***.....
haha,

but i cant be one of those types, to even get mad @ you...
coz i m just not that kind of a person i can kick the ass out of my anger, if its because of you, but

as i always say...
its always difficult for you to understand this...

LISTEN TO ME...LISTEN TO MY HEART...
I care, for me, words more than just reasons to be in contact,
sights become more than just visuals that can never ever take place again,
trust becomes more than just love and respect...

this is my world, and i... am about to leave it soon... ( i dont know why i m leaking this bit of information out...but guess, someday or the other it has to come....i mean, it does to everyone...)


but

even after all this, all i can do is to, become a sweet li'l monkey and hug a giant (haha)
and say that i m sorry, and that i love you... ***.




but please never ever lie to me, i hate lies the same you do...

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