Why does everyone want me to hate you? I mean, yes u made mistakes.. but so what?? i make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes... doesnt mean i go around hating everybody.. there ARE people who do that... but well its usually those outcasted people...

I was talking to an incredibly wonderful person today :) and well, somehow she thinks i should hate this someone because the someone screwed me over.. and i was like well.. you ARE gonna meet people in your life who have screwed other people... and just as well might screw you up.. and to that her reply was... "bleh! Dude, she screwed you over, you should HATE her!" haha.. well i know it sounds all weird from her perspective.. but being a person directly involved/affected(/hurt?) by this.. i can tell.. that she wasnt such a bad person after all... and it's really not her fault she doesnt like me like me. haha, and like HALLLOOO!!!! i would never wanna force her to do that.. would i?

sigh, just wanna get past some things... yeah.. anyways.. to the incredibly wonderful person.. i m sorry, but the things we talked about are not gonna happen ever... EVER sounds like a bit too far fetched.. but i can promise you its not gonna happen soon.. haha i kinda put my everything into making the last one work.. and after reaching a certain stage.. the plan just failed.. haha.. and i m really sorry i had to reject "proposals".. i m not in the mood.. or in the place ti go through it all again..

haha, and plus.. i just dont.. i dont.. so really dont bother talking about it the next time...

yeah.. time's come to a very weird place now.. everything is so fucking uncertain.. and this is almost killing me.. things are just gonna get pretty much fucked up when i make the transition from the extremely flexible to the fucking extremely rigid! life's a bitch.. literally..

back again later..
FUCK THE SYSTEM!

cyberbeast.

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i am really thinking whether all of this is going right.. at this moment, it doesnt even seem like it is close to being right at all...
in some level of sense, maybe it is... i mean a's are turning pretty okay till now, but then there are other things that are not so well to do, if you know what i mean.
recently, well yesterday, someone left..and by left i mean, it was like the last good bye in a long time. And then come all the reminiscences of the past... the past that could never be, the way it should have been in some ways.. and so what do i do? i let down meaningless tears that just collect on my shirt that very well reminds me of a wonderful year. it's like that person always breaks my heart when she flies away. seems like a good imagery for a movie... but trust me, nothing even comes closer to the amount of pain and sadness it leaves behind. I still wonder, with good intentions, why did i lose out? why couldn't she trust me? why did WE lose? and then i get this voice in my head shouting wildly at me, YOU ARE A LOSER SANDESH.. WHAT BETTER CAN YOU EXPECT? and i am like, well yeah it is true that i am a loser... but i counter argue TO MYSELF.. saying, if i was a loser i wouldnt have found her, wouldn't have met the perfect person if i was a loser.. i still remember the warm touch, the soft sensation on my.. and the look..the eyes, the hands.. oh my it truely felt like heaven around her... but like any other safe haven for the gods.. why be kind to people who don't belong there? right?? would u treat the devil with the luxury of heaven...?? and so i guess... with the last goodbye,,, everything just ended... went down the drain.. I wish you could have tried to talk like the ORIGINAL you.. in the last few hours.. just tried to make me happy before ending it off.. i miss her, i miss the real HER.. i really do, the REAL her.. was the first and preferably the last HER, there's gonna be. I cant take it. Its hard as it is.. and with all this it keeps getting worse. I am sorry. If i m a bad person, i guess i deserved to not be with you. like jesus had the last supper.. i wish we had a special last.. something too.. sigh.. i cant believe it's gonna be over. I love you and never less, only more.

sigh,
help me pick myself up.. i m not strong enough.
give me the strength to see it through,
i cant seem to forget you.

i m sorry.
i hate myself.. as much as u hate me too.

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We could have been together.
Rejoicing the times and
not crying over them.

It's that point in time when you have to take the decision, to know the cold hard truth that in many ways binds things together. You were cold, as much as you were heartless, and obviously you were confused but it does not justify either of the 2 pre-mentioned characteristics. You never sought out to see a little further beyond. Just wish you had. Now, I think it is finally upto you, whether you STILL wanna take the path that leads to happiness or take the one that drives you into the familiar yet uncertain woods. You've been there... you've never been here. I guess, inside you just hate 'here' from your guts. Wouldn't blame you for that anyways.

I think I have made a decision.
Again, you DO NOT want to be here, but you still think of going back there. You cant really show or think or say pretty much anything to anyone and now you are on your own. I just wish you had made the right decision long time ago and these things would've probably vanished. But you don't want that. You WANT these troubles and hardships for maybe that is what makes you think you are so pathetic and miserable. And if I have noticed much, this kind of selfishness never helps anyone, no one at all. But you wouldn't believe me. Why would you? You don't trust me. Your mind is run more by the thoughts of "what does "he" want?" than of 'what should i do for the person who cares?" but I wouldn't meddle in your thoughts anymore, it's best to back it off.

so here it is.
today, you truly lose me, lose me in the silence of your words, and immoral emotions that you failed to return back to me.
I am sad,
and you just took it all away from me.

and for the last time, I love.. , I love.., I love(d) you. (still uncertain?)
sigh

why do you hate me so much?

cyberbeast

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When the prey is weak and vulnerable, that is when the predators attack it. In a way, I too am being attacked, badly, by
"predators". For some good reason, it is not someone that is attacking me but some moral principal that I have been trying to run away from. Yes, I am fucking depressed. And for some reason I am in a position from where I cant talk to anyone. This is just killing me. I can not take it any more. When it is time, I think you just HAVE to. Fuck my life.
Care? I need some emotions. I am deficient of it badly. More than that I need a hug.

"i wanna die."
cyberbeast.

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Smell is a pretty intoxicating sense. It alters your thoughts in like a flash of a second. But somehow, a particular smell brings certain thoughts to my mind. I have got to be mad to be talking about what I am going to, but, even then being crazy IS my forte. And the thing about smell is that you cant really express it, i mean, for the sense of sight there are pictures and videos, for hearing, there's music, and noise. But for smell, there's nothing. How am I supposed to convey what the heck I am trying to say? We've heard of the brand called dove, owned by Unilever. For some strange reason I associate something with that smell, someone would be more apt. It brings back memories, sweet memories, painful yet worth remembering. Indulgence in the realm of relationships? I guess so. It's too much to think about at the moment, especially when the only choice you are left with is to let go. But with such a smell, how do I let go of the memories? How do I stop the smell reaching to my senses?
It's all just complicated. But with every single passing moment, makes me think that you probably do not have a heart. Maybe you do, but it is filled with so much weight that you do not want to do anything about it. I can't get into your mind, to take control over things, even though it would be my pleasure to do so, because for one thing, I KNOW I can change your life forever. But, sigh, you just wanna continue with this. And the worse thing is, you do not even realise the repercussions of your own decisions.
How easy it is for you to say, I have not been a good person to blah, blah and blah, and then comes the time reference to the blah2. Not that I "should" care, but it does feel tingy, to be frank it really does hurt. I have been over this, and the closer it gets to that, I think the decision will have to be made. I do not want to think about that, but you just do not seem to get off my mind.

Hurt.


Cyberbeast

"It's never about you, bitch. Its about the one-to-one between US."

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No, I am not too sure about anything these days, especially things about you. Yes, I am confused and utterly sad about somethings. It is very hard to let things go. Sometimes more so than ever, because you feel connected to it somehow. And somehow unintentionally, we care about somethings so much that it just so hurts if expectations are not directed in the opposite way. Really, I wish things would have worked out. And when I think how happy 2 people could have been... I just don't know whether to contemplate the loss or what. I feel a little left out in the part where you were supposed to appreciate, the feelings. I guess, mine weren't any different than what others show. But then, dear, if it were so... then probably your actions are definitely justified. And there's always this one thing that bugs me. Why make "the choice" from the "others"? It's all gonna be a mystery. I guess, this IS my break up. Break up with/from what? I also don't know the answer to that. Haha, funny isn't it? Well, LAUGH then, cause I think I am a joke.
Shit, when I think of those times, it just feels so different, and good. Those moments before things started to fuck up are like the best ever. haha, I am depressed.

Now I know that I can't make you stay
But where's your heart?
But where's your heart?
But where's your...?

And I know there's nothing I could say
To change that part
To change that part
To change...

So many bright lights to cast a shadow, but can I speak?
Well, is it hard understanding I'm incomplete?
A life that's so demanding, I get so weak
A love that's so demanding, I can't speak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you could say can stop me going home

Can you see my eyes are shining bright
?Cause I'm out here on the other side
Of a jet black hotel mirror and I'm so weak
Is it hard understanding I'm incomplete?
A love that's so demanding I get weak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you could say can stop me going home

These bright lights have always blinded me
These bright lights have always blinded me
I say

I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead

(How can I see, I see you lying)
'Cause I see you lying next to me
(How can I see, I see you lying)
With words I thought I'd never speak
(How can I see, I see you lying)
Awake and unafraid
(How can I see, I see you lying)
Asleep or dead!

'Cause I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead!

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
(Or dead!)
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home
(Or dead!)

Long ago
Just like the hearse, you die to get in again
We are so far from you

Burning on
Just like a match you strike to incinerate
The lives of everyone you know

And what's the worst you take
(Worst you take)
From every heart you break
(Heart you break)
And like a blade you stain
(Blade you stain)
Well, I've been holding on tonight

What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

Came a time
When every star fall
Brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold

And what's the worst you take
(Worst you take)
From every heart you break
(Heart you break)
And like the blade you stain
(Blade you stain)
Well, I've been holding on tonight

What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

Well, if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long NOT goodnight

Can you hear me?
Are you near me?
Can we pretend?
To leave and then
We'll meet again
When both our cars collide

What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight

Well, if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

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A mother sings a lullaby to a child
Sometime in the future the boy goes wild
And all his nerves are feeling some kind of energy

A walk in the woods and I will try
Something under the trees that made you cry
It's so ****** when your make up runs

A few minutes with me inside my van
Should be so beautiful if we can
I'm feeling something taking over me

I got wiring loose inside my head
I got books that I never, ever read
I got secrets in my garden shed
I got a scar where all my urges bled
I got people underneath my bed
I got a place where all my dreams are dead
Swim with me into your blackest eyes


fuck.. i wish u cud have been, with me and mine.
hmm .. chocolate... is just awesome.. but u make it seem like ecstasy.

wish u'd care.

‎'silence between two unknown people creates the relation' and 'silence between two known people breaks relation'

well i guess, i love u wayy more than i can ever think of hating u (although u always do give me the reasons to.. )

cyberbeast

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You can change everything you want, just give it a thought.

wow, now whats wrong with YOU???

seriously why is everyone behaving so weirdly?

first THAT person i mentioned in the last post,

and now.. this person... talking isnt that hard right? i mean i know you dont.. but i do.. and at least for the sake of a mutual respect.. u cud just talk right? u apologised for it.. and yet u chose to do it all over again and again. come on.. its never too easy to care for someone.. but i guess we all take these things and people for granted..

well.. like they always say..

we dont understand the importance of something till we are deprived of it.

so if that is what u want.. then u'll have ur deprivation.. and i think what i talked about some person in my last post applies to the new one as well.. the reason most people lose their stars is not cause the stars chose to leave but because most people dont know how to keep them. I hope you'll think about it.. and have something to say about it.

and now i have 2 separate incidents to relate the piece i composed yesterday titled, departure. GREAT!!! as if one was not enough alr..

cyberbeast.

"Dont fuck it up, kiddo!"

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I havent chosen my option yet.

Composed a piece today.. named it 'departure' resembling that feeling i have inside me since a very long time.. but today it just came out.

felt like giving another chance, cause it wouldnt hurt anyone to hear an explanation.. but how would even an explanation heal a state of heart and mind that is already battered by those actions. I guess, first times are always like that.. or at least it is gonna be for me. But it seems it is going to be very hard for "people" to understand somethings.. because I think that for you its like a prerogative... with a tinge of selfishness. Selfishness isnt the right word. Selfishness is more like an imposed thing... you force yourself to chose SELFISHness over selflessness because of your god damn decisions. And because all you believe in is that you are god damn failure... you never seem to know anything.. i wonder why.. probably its because.. all you care about is well YOU and that too you do not understand properly. and You are definitely NOT normal.. not at ALL. People fool around and their actions almost feed ur butterfly and all you can say is that u will try and put the butterfly in the jar but u never do. why is it like something so hard for you to put a god damn jar not just around ur butterfly but also yourself. i dont doubt the fact that sometimes the scripts are written that way, but you dont have to overdo your part.. u are not in a freaking movie about a damsel with whom, everything just always goes wrong.. those things dont happen.. unless you force ur environment to do so..

seriously, the reason you think your stars leave is cause u dont know how to keep them well.. you just want more and more and for those you do have dont really mean anything to you.

so another star is gonna depart soon, if not now.

and once the emotions are confirmed, the rhythm is set , the melody is played.. the departure will be final.

so do something, before the stars that could be your diamond, vanishes.

cyberbeast.

so this star will

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haaa.. back after quite some time.. but no point dwelling on that..

here's the deal..

sometimes you have to look beyond certain things to understand the gravity of stuff... but well... not everyone thinks that way. Its interesting how everyone, although similar, think so differently.. i mean not that i have any problems with diversity or what.. but in some ways, i think ppl SHOULD think in a way that is valid for all.. but then again, its never too easy to understand what someone thinks.. all because of illusions and deceit. And when it all clashes, begins the proprietary war as to whose ideology beats 'em all. I think it doesn't serve much purpose... just something to fight about for personal glory. haha.

weird random thoughts plaguing my mind right now..

at the top of it, is the thoughts of someone.. haha yeah THAT someone.. remember? haha.. i have read some psychology books about human behaviour and modification but even they claim that understanding the realm of mind is way beyond human understanding.. and that is very very true and i can very well pledge for it. For instance.. i know this person.. (i cud go into adjectives describing tht person, but its not needed.... or well if you are careful enough.. , its already been mentioned before) so yeah i was talking about this person.. i have been thinking about this person for sometime.. i have noticed and known this person for a significant amount of time.. and well i have to say.. i have never had a first impression of a person so deep. so now after the supposed 'significant' time, i am at a path that kinda is blurred by the way things are going now.. nothing's clear.. how am i to see what is to come.. if i cant know what this person is gonna show me. i m stuck here in a dilemma.. no.. wait.. trilemma.. because.. i have to choose from 3 fucking totally opposite options.. A, B and C. Choosing A is what most people would have done had they been in such situations... but thats not exactly the kind of option i wanna go for.. its dangerous.. and lets just say.. it fucking kills the whole point.. of having those first impressions and feelings. So A would be my last option if i cant decide between B and C. Lowest priority. Then comes option, B.. option B aint so bad.. it seems rational.. in favor of... (i'd like to say everyone, but i think one, maybe 2 people wud lose out in the long run). I actually did try option B for a while.. it went well.. till things started getting deeper.. and from one thing.. led to another. Option B closes certain doors.. doors that i dont wanna close.. cause lets just say.. the the person kinda OPENed those doors for the very first time in life.. think about it.. why would anyone want to close the doors that leads the path to something sacred especially knowing that once u close them u cant open them ever again.. So thats option B... Option C is to just pretend that everything's fine.. and let things go the way they are and keep hoping that somewhere somehow u will see the unknown path in front of u/.. i m not exactly a fan of such pretense games.. its really not good at all.. or at least I SUCK at it.. yeah. and although hard to believe.. but this option kinda hurts more than option B. SURPRISING?? well thats how it is...

and the thing that is pushing me deeper in this trilemma are the facts that keep showing up.. every now and then.. and although it hurts.. but i let it go.. because (well lets just not go there...) so i am in a trilemma cuz of this person.. and i have options in front of me.. to some people.. thats a good situation to be in, for i have a problem and i have 3 possible solutions.. but here's where i drop dead.. i dont know what that person thinks.. sometimes its easier to assume.. but then i always assume the extreme.. which for a lot of reasons cant be validated.. how am i even supposed to?? possibly that person doesnt have an idea how much its eating me up inside.. and day and night i think about getting past the stage of making choices... and i just so think that i have spent too much time trying to decide...

i have my options and i have my reasons.. i have every good cause to fight out for it.. even though I AM at a disadvantage (again, thanks to the person)..

choices, and decisions, and emotions...

haha..

guess its all part of life.

be right back for more..

cyberbeast..

"work it out, bitch. thats all u need to do."

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haaa.. back after quite some time.. but no point dwelling on that..

here's the deal..

sometimes you have to look beyond certain things to understand the gravity of stuff... but well... not everyone thinks that way. Its interesting how everyone, although similar, think so differently.. i mean not that i have any problems with diversity or what.. but in some ways, i think ppl SHOULD think in a way that is valid for all.. but then again, its never too easy to understand what someone thinks.. all because of illusions and deceit. And when it all clashes, begins the proprietary war as to whose ideology beats 'em all. I think it doesn't serve much purpose... just something to fight about for personal glory. haha.

weird random thoughts plaguing my mind right now..

at the top of it, is the thoughts of someone.. haha yeah THAT someone.. remember? haha.. i have read some psychology books about human behaviour and modification but even they claim that understanding the realm of mind is way beyond human understanding.. and that is very very true and i can very well pledge for it. For instance.. i know this person.. (i cud go into adjectives describing tht person, but its not needed.... or well if you are careful enough.. , its already been mentioned before) so yeah i was talking about this person.. i have been thinking about this person for sometime.. i have noticed and known this person for a significant amount of time.. and well i have to say.. i have never had a first impression of a person so deep. so now after the supposed 'significant' time, i am at a path that kinda is blurred by the way things are going now.. nothing's clear.. how am i to see what is to come.. if i cant know what this person is gonna show me. i m stuck here in a dilemma.. no.. wait.. trilemma.. because.. i have to choose from 3 fucking totally opposite options.. A, B and C. Choosing A is what most people would have done had they been in such situations... but thats not exactly the kind of option i wanna go for.. its dangerous.. and lets just say.. it fucking kills the whole point.. of having those first impressions and feelings. So A would be my last option if i cant decide between B and C. Lowest priority. Then comes option, B.. option B aint so bad.. it seems rational.. in favor of... (i'd like to say everyone, but i think one, maybe 2 people wud lose out in the long run). I actually did try option B for a while.. it went well.. till things started getting deeper.. and from one thing.. led to another. Option B closes certain doors.. doors that i dont wanna close.. cause lets just say.. the the person kinda OPENed those doors for the very first time in life.. think about it.. why would anyone want to close the doors that leads the path to something sacred especially knowing that once u close them u cant open them ever again.. So thats option B... Option C is to just pretend that everything's fine.. and let things go the way they are and keep hoping that somewhere somehow u will see the unknown path in front of u/.. i m not exactly a fan of such pretense games.. its really not good at all.. or at least I SUCK at it.. yeah. and although hard to believe.. but this option kinda hurts more than option B. SURPRISING?? well thats how it is...

and the thing that is pushing me deeper in this trilemma are the facts that keep showing up.. every now and then.. and although it hurts.. but i let it go.. because (well lets just not go there...) so i am in a trilemma cuz of this person.. and i have options in front of me.. to some people.. thats a good situation to be in, for i have a problem and i have 3 possible solutions.. but here's where i drop dead.. i dont know what that person thinks.. sometimes its easier to assume.. but then i always assume the extreme.. which for a lot of reasons cant be validated.. how am i even supposed to?? possibly that person doesnt have an idea how much its eating me up inside.. and day and night i think about getting past the stage of making choices... and i just so think that i have spent too much time trying to decide...

i have my options and i have my reasons.. i have every good cause to fight out for it.. even though I AM at a disadvantage (again, thanks to the person)..

choices, and decisions, and emotions...

haha..

guess its all part of life.

be right back for more..

cyberbeast..

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