Well this would definitely be on a serious note..
or atleast i would try.



i wish i could tell someone how much u mean to me...
be it di, rj, nj, rhn, ankt, xc...

but literally i havent been able to...

there is this burning desire in me, to let out those wild feelings, and perhaps selfless emotions that i want to let out..

let them freeeee....

but, i..errr, its damn difficult.


i had a dream some days ago..

and that was what made me write this post...
i mean srsly,
it was one dream, i'd always cherish..

so i'll now talk abt the dream..
(IF U DONT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING, MOST LIKELY IT WASnt RELATED TO YOU)

i'll divide it into parts...
so here goes..


1. i was at a mall with mom, and somehow she went back home, and left me to browse thru.., haha,

and i saw somebody there...
somebody, who i was really dying to meet..

and i actually get to see the person in my DREAM!!... like wth! but never mind, not in reality, but atleast i got to meet "someone" in my dreams atleast..

but i think, it was one moment, i could have died to have dreamt off..


i just hope it can evn turn out to be reality.



//edit - this wasnt s'posed to be the original post...

at the end of all the shit that happened...i think i wouldnt want to talk abt any dreams..




everything crashed..
in the dark..
to show someone..
only to show someone,
it was left away...far far away..


i think, this is not the time to get sentimental...bt i think..

no one understands how much it means for me to be "sandesh" rated happy..

i guess, everyone is just contempt in seeing the "sacrificing sandesh" rated happiness..
well, if that is what makes them happy, then i dont have anything to say at all..


and with a god damn note,
i'd thus like to start my new year with this quote

"Fuck off _ _ _ _ _ _ _" and i guess, i should also carry a placard around displaying the quote..to fuckin' remind this retarded brain of mine to "SWITCH TO OTHER PEOPLE'S HAPPINESS SEEING QUOTIENT".....

nobody's to blame..
nobody's to answer...

i could have prevented everything all together..
i dont even know, whether these tears dropping off my cheeks are actually of fuckin happiness or the expected sadness...

all i know is that, this time....again, its the later ruling over the former..
FUCK!


i dont knw why these fuckin' lines from RNBDJ are running in my mind..

tujh mein rab dikhta hain, yaara mein kya karu!






fukSigning off..


anyways,
i m back in Singapore for those of u who dint know!

:(

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i see the shadows in the daylight,
and grief in the darkness,
i wanna be alone but still,
it just stalks me up and down the street.
pretty
dirty
well
everything
is twisted

and so beautifully

planned.

i want to change it. NOW!


shit... its so , so noot right...
help me.. pls

t :(

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Silence, I dint expect it to be so disturbingly painful to shake me up. I know there are things that did not happen, some rather "unexpected" things happening...but there is nobody to blame but ME.

I M TRYING MY f***ing best...
BOTTOMLINE: it doesnt matter

It will..



Things are goofed up and trust me.. no one can understand the meaning of the first 4 words more than I can...


Just came back from my Yoga class and all the while there, i was thinking..
thinking about how things have changed over the years...how I have changed over the years...
and how i dint wanted to have changed in someways over the years..but i still did..

i dont know whether i am angry or is it sadness that is filling me from the top to the bottom..
but may what it be, all i know is (and all that really matters is) is that it is for myself..

if i m sad, i m sad coz of myself..
if i m angry, i m angry over myself.. and coz of myself..



everything is so f***ing crafted cleverly that there is no escape from it.



Am i a burden or an asset?
I mean, what value as an asset do i hold anyways...
i always get the feeling that i m adding more and more and more and more...



from PEACE to CHAOS..
its so easy..
the journey backwards is so damn hard..


and I am here, fighting with myself, with my emotions as to what went wrong..and why arent things the way I had projected them to be..


I know this sounds crazy but, at times like this..
balancing your mind is so not easy..
it always remains biased..

it never tries to look onto the brighter side of it...



but..what brighter side can this "situation" have..
i hope it does... i know it does..


i think i owe people apologies..
(focus on the pluralities...)




i have survived until now..
from now i wanna LIVE! and there is nobody stopping me from doing that..


but at the moment, there is only one thing that stands in its way..

come on Sandesh... its just a hurdle...
nothing more than that..





sigh.
i wish to be with "someone" now..
but even that is not possible right now..





a composition for good thoughts..

a chance is all i want,
a turn is all i need...
i know i am behind the crowd,
but now i wanna be the lead..

waking up in confusion,
sleeping in chaos,
i have seen it all enough, i am tired of this sickness
and now i wanna end this routine..

give me the chance, give me the hope
give me the chance, give me the hope..





i dont know what else to say..
bye


sad
sandesh
:(

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this is so not what i was gonna write....but i just couldnt help myself..


day b4 ystrday was fun... real fun..
met THE GUYS...after such a long time...and had a blast with them..

watched Dostana @ Select City Walk...
the movie aint that bad...(better than i expected... but could have been better..)
nonetheless it got the the 2.5 stars from me..
haha
lol


anyways..
after that.. was a PIZZA TREAT by abk..
woohoo...



other people joined... and we greeted....and we ate...and we had fun...
lol


afterwards...

i had to take a decision... and trust me i think this was a good one..
haha,


the guys had planned to go to CR PARK to enjoy an evening of soccer..haha
but i guess, my intention to go there was perhaps more than just soccer...

NOW WAS THE DECISION MAKING TIME..


Should i take the "1 over a thousandth probability" (coz u said u'd be busy with SOMETHINGS) of meeting whoever i wanted to meet and risk spending dunno how many bucks coming back all the way back home on my own in the evening or should i just day good bye to the guys and just leave with my parents from CityWalk...

BUT
apart from the risks, there was something more in place, i knew my mom's cell was out of balance...and there was no way of "informing the concerned authorities..." ( i always remember this line in one of the forms i filled up for a competition..haha)

so ya...
in the end...



i ended up taking stands with the decision involving the highest risks...
and went up ahead with the plan as the others had planned..


after reaching there...and a few minutes into the game, i somehow managed to make a call...
yeah... and trust me..nothing could have been much "heart-calmer" than after i heard that "Hello" lol..
haha



blah blah blah...
lets finish the story first..
i reached home safely (courtesy: Paul and his Parents)
they dropped me back safely..
haha


and the night was alive...
hhaha








now to the sentiments..


most people would expect to be sad in the situation of the "take the decision" game that i went through..
but
i dint think like that..


later that night..
i was happy!!
the reason NOT being that i couldnt meet..
but

because..
i took the decision with the lowest possible probability of its occurence...and more than that...
i wasnt biased in the decision.. i thought thru the perspective of how (easy) it would be for someone to actually carry out the tasks he/she intended to (eg. Meet me)

i m very very happy i wasnt broken apart by the very fact that i wouldnt have a fair chance to meet up but i guess, it made me even more excited..
coz... "challenges is one part of life, i always open my arms for!!!" (yeah yeah, thts one of my original quotes... LOL)


in the end..
evn though i couldnt meet, but i was happy i actually heard "the voice" haha (err...not spiritually..but haha REALLY)
lol

again looking forward to meet up...
and maybe i'd want that to happen in a zero over a thousandth probability occurence rate!!
tht would give some meaning to life..




yeah...
omg.., i m now so desperate to meet..


anyways..
the time is coming near, and bridge must be crossed... it is a difficult path ahead, but the coin


has
to be
tossed!!








sandesh

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Why Me?


Can I question or have I even lost the right to ask that to myself?






I dont know..
had a wonderfully disturbing dream last night...(not that it was so disturbing that i fell off the bed or what, but I have been thinking a lot about it, i mean do i have any other choice not to think about it?)


anyways..
i wont say i m not enjoying..but errr..ya..
nvr mind



sad

sandesh

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I can imagine that feeling setting in again. Its pretty strong and forceful. Too coercive in nature....not that i'll give up or what...i mean COME ON... this is the cyberbeast we are talking abt here..



but not just that...
something is becoming dark.
darker than it ever could be..



and its so heavy...
heavy beyond limits..







cant really be happy...neither do i want to be sad..
but i just dont know how to react, because it is more than just the question mark that has been put up now...

its the question of time...
which doesnt stop for anyone..





i hope it could...but things dont run the way i want them to be right.???





it feels weird when u see others happily leading their perfect little lives....and yet not contempt with it...
i mean, life in the very broadest sense is extra-ordinary dear... why r ppl complaining??


i mean i should be doing more of that...and less of this isnt it???? but i dont want to coz...
it is...





nvr mind..


off the topic..




practicing for prom now...
just 2 days left...and today we dont even practice together...





woohoo, i mastered playing sugar we're going down....and most of this love....



rest of the songs will be mastered by tomorrow...
cant wait for prom..
i still dont know what to wear for prom...guess i'll end up being a clown...and maybe to suit the environment... 3 jokers from my class would start laughing as if a mad cow just bumped into them...


i dont wanna wear black..



blah blah blah...
i think i should go watch a movie or something..
anyways..




adios..
Sandesh

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going on and on..

trying to be free..



but somehow even imprisonment was also good.
i wanna stay in it..


so that i have more time..



time and people...SHOULD go hand in hand..
but at the moment when u step out of the prison, you feel that..

it should be people and people going hand in hand..



but haiz..
things dont work the way i want them to be...neither am i wishing for it to happen coz then the world be very chaotic..
haha




yeah.

friday was the last day for us as 07v11...and we celebrated a last set of birthdays after school...

singing to the tunes was fun...and
louise started crying also...
xin chen was emo'ing also

rj was also sad...but his reasons were way too different than the others..
his reason was L.

anyways..


i hope we'll stay on together..
and stay in contact..










i want i want i want.

but i dont know i dont know i dont know






anyways..
i gotta practice for prom..



and i still dont have any idea wht i want to wear for it..


anyways..


bb
lol



sandesh

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