So how does it feel to be DEFEATED? defeated by no one else BUT you. Can one truely be defeated by oneself? I sure do think so. I made that picture on top, because somewhere somehow, it feels very apt, to imagine a face, hidden in sight from the viewer. I can see that face, my face, mine right there, trying to avoid everything.. avoiding those eyes, avoiding those conversations, avoiding YOU. On a different note, I am glad things are working out well for you. But I am still hurt. Coming back to what I was talking about.. I know when they say, your own true enemy is no one but You. never really experienced it before, but ever since... YOU show up in my life, things are going on a rollercoaster rush. And up until now I cant pick myself up. Not blaming anyone but myself. Why? cause I was blind, I was driven mad at the sound of it.

AIEEE was yesterday. The question paper got leaked somewhere in the country and the exam got postponed and while that was happening, a new set of question papers was being delivered across the country. The leaked question paper was replaced by a new one, which according to tutors, turned to be more KILLER than the one that got leaked. So in many ways, those that leaked the paper, screwed the entire country's takers. And as for me, I had a bad time (DUH!). and before I start to talk about that, here's what a newspapers article read this morning "AIEEE Physics was extremely difficult, Chemistry - nominally difficult and Maths was just difficult". And well that fits in my situation as well.. but I screwed up Chem, more even so than Physics and Maths. I cud only do 5 questions of the 30 asked. I knew many others, just wasnt 100% sure, and with the stupid, NEGATIVE marking (-1/4 mark for every wrong answer) I dint take my chances. But this was just the beginning of what followed next.. PARENTS!!! At the end of the exam, i let them know how i did.. they started terrorizing me with my wrongdoing about not having been able to solve a lot of questions. At times, I feel as if they have a problem with their memories... I mean, I had 3 fucking months to study a subject from level 0 and while others have 2 years to do the same piece of work. The course have 40+ chapters. Every chapter worth 20 pages of chemical gibberish that does not, intrigue me even a little. And yet even after all that, they fucking expect to have at least solved 20 out of 30 questions??!!! i mean WTF!! I really wanted to jump out of the car, cuz frankly that would have been just so much better than having to listen to them.. and when I try to explain myself, all I got was - well, a chance to NOT talk. I was pissed, and frustrated.. and i said things that I shouldnt have. I mean, I said some really rude stuff to my parents, only regretting it later... but when you push someone (like me) over a certain limit, what else CAN someone do?? The thing I detest about my parents (particularly someone), is that their method of "making me learn" or "grooming" me at my age is completely wrong. They are like Usain Bolts of throwing negative comments, and criticizing. THEY NEVER BOTHER to give their criticism a more, CONSTRUCTIVE side. The whole fucking world is like some kind of a ball filled only with negativity. Sigh.

Everything's gone from bad to worse, and while a friend of mine claims "it'll be over soon", I don't see an end coming soon, mate. I really need someone.. someone my age, who understands what I am going through, all this stupid loneliness, and disconnection from the world.. is turning me into someone I dont wanna be. Obviously, THIS is not as important as being able to answer at least 20 questions out of 30. And while this, they dont care, about the other part of the paper, which sort of went well. But like I said, NEGATIVE is ALL They see!!

I could really use some good news soon, though I am not expecting any.

Someone come to me.. I need you more than ever.

A small personal composition, for a departing thought..

Cant feel the wind brush my face,
lost in sorrow,
i feel my life is just a waste

so much hurt inside
darkness in my thoughts
too many times have i cried

cant feel the sunlight warm my skin
i cant take it anymore
the sadness grows from within

broken wings, i can no longer fly
i am the fallen hero
all i want is to die

cant feel the cold kiss my cheek
im giving up,
i accept my defeat

i punch those walls
i bleed out all the pain
i cant belive it ended like this....

cant feel the essence of my soul
my heart stops beating
ive finally let go

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It all starts and ends with a dream.

Something that my memories wanted me to bring out. I wish I could see your face, but I know it's already looking somewhere else, waiting for someone else. It was truly a wonderful "illusion", though nonetheless enjoyable, because you were in it. But sigh, you are bound to "other" illusions. But you stay happy.

CURRENT MOOD: Sad!

MOOD LEVEL : +6 (Sadness)

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After reading all that, the one thing I definitely directed my attention to was to understand why NOW, at this point in time, what you might have said in the past.. is so contradictory! Somehow, back in time, I really did think that maybe you finally see me for the person I wanna be to you. But more than ever, it was just a force pushing you further away. You lied to me? for what, I ask?

I guess it is just plain incorrect to say that "3AM friends" understand each other the best, and I rest my case AGAINST that stupid newspaper article I read a few days ago. I was, well, or atleast tried to be a good "3AM friend". I don't know, if well, someone has ever done that for you, even after everything that we've been through, but you were blinded by the company of "someone". It's like that thing people put on a horse's face, so that it cant see sideways.. but only straight. When there WERE ppl at your side, they were in darkness for you. All they probably meant to you was a stupid black patch, never to realise that they were the ones, in fact, who supported you for ur 'partial' sideways blindness. But all you kept appreciating, is what you saw in front.. that "someone" who well in many ways and in countless definitions was no more than the semi-heroic Casanova. At least, Casanova had the decency to give up his sexual desires, when he met the one girl who changed his life. And here YOU are, probably waiting for YOUR Casanova to change colours, which is going to be hard... considering your choice of certain decisions. I have not asked you that one single question, that will make everything clear in my mind. I mean the answer to that question can solve the mystery of YOUR emotions, feelings.. and of the reason as to why you are nothing but a (in Hindi) "raand" to your so called "man of your life" Casanova. I will ask you that question more soon than ever, because for a thousand reasons and one I NEED TO MAKE PEACE with it too, because somewhere somehow, in the shadows of this super-long "episode", I too played a part and I too, got hurt (maybe more so than ever).

Some people have been talking about Silences and how special these are to well these people, but I think they forget to acknowledge the fact that, with silence comes along so many, unwanted necessities. I call them necessities because somewhere down the line, without these, relations just BREAK. I mean literally! Silence can be desired only when before silence, what needs to be conveyed, IS conveyed.. and NECESSARILY through sound, speech, words. Humans have YET to discover and hopefully, master the art of speaking to others with their minds. Very vaguely, people think they can "connect" to others without speaking, and while I don't doubt such existence of psychic connections, I highly doubt it starts and ends with SILENCES. To cultivate such connections, to reach the deeper side of a person (with whom to connect), there is so much to know, and to do. While you tend to rest away from all these, it makes everything difficult. Pretty much is the case with what is going on with you too. You never spoke, Mr. Ben(efits) thought "you were a dumbass weirdo" (quoting Mr. Ben himself) and while those were the thoughts in his mind, you were on a completely different place, imagining more romantic situations only to be interpreted completely differently by your "Made me believe in..." guy!

But I don't blame you for this, and nor do I want you to see it that way or infer anything along those lines from this post, because every person is different, and hence unique. Maybe, the best way to connect with you is through Silences, silences that don't ever make sense to others but that is what is unique about you.

When someone does indeed realise that, that person is in maybe the same kind of place, that someone else has been in.. and you know that, you cant get what you want, if it were me, I'd try working it out in reverse, and try making it better for at least one person. But you don't see that.

I wish I could ask you to talk to your best friend from a not so distant past, because in many ways, she went through the same thing as you with her Mr. V! But I am nobody to tell you that!

For a moment there, I really thought, that those things were about me, I mean I just glanced through the words, and somehow those happenings were in my mind too, until I read a little carefully, to know more about "dancing", "castles" and the epic "falling". I knew these weren't the words. It felt like the feeling you have when you think you are gonna get a present, and its only when you have the present in your hand, you realise its not even meant for you. Makes you feel so rejected, and discarded.

With everything happening in life right now, being discarded is the only thing I deserve. I guess, I AM the perfect epitome of being a perfect LOSER!!

PS - I wish u2 get bck, cuz aftr tht I'll be free 2 go away frm u completely. I don't wanna be the reason for parting u anyways, or atleast that is what Ben thinks, and for a major part, I think so too. sigh.

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Why does everyone want me to hate you? I mean, yes u made mistakes.. but so what?? i make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes... doesnt mean i go around hating everybody.. there ARE people who do that... but well its usually those outcasted people...

I was talking to an incredibly wonderful person today :) and well, somehow she thinks i should hate this someone because the someone screwed me over.. and i was like well.. you ARE gonna meet people in your life who have screwed other people... and just as well might screw you up.. and to that her reply was... "bleh! Dude, she screwed you over, you should HATE her!" haha.. well i know it sounds all weird from her perspective.. but being a person directly involved/affected(/hurt?) by this.. i can tell.. that she wasnt such a bad person after all... and it's really not her fault she doesnt like me like me. haha, and like HALLLOOO!!!! i would never wanna force her to do that.. would i?

sigh, just wanna get past some things... yeah.. anyways.. to the incredibly wonderful person.. i m sorry, but the things we talked about are not gonna happen ever... EVER sounds like a bit too far fetched.. but i can promise you its not gonna happen soon.. haha i kinda put my everything into making the last one work.. and after reaching a certain stage.. the plan just failed.. haha.. and i m really sorry i had to reject "proposals".. i m not in the mood.. or in the place ti go through it all again..

haha, and plus.. i just dont.. i dont.. so really dont bother talking about it the next time...

yeah.. time's come to a very weird place now.. everything is so fucking uncertain.. and this is almost killing me.. things are just gonna get pretty much fucked up when i make the transition from the extremely flexible to the fucking extremely rigid! life's a bitch.. literally..

back again later..
FUCK THE SYSTEM!

cyberbeast.

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i am really thinking whether all of this is going right.. at this moment, it doesnt even seem like it is close to being right at all...
in some level of sense, maybe it is... i mean a's are turning pretty okay till now, but then there are other things that are not so well to do, if you know what i mean.
recently, well yesterday, someone left..and by left i mean, it was like the last good bye in a long time. And then come all the reminiscences of the past... the past that could never be, the way it should have been in some ways.. and so what do i do? i let down meaningless tears that just collect on my shirt that very well reminds me of a wonderful year. it's like that person always breaks my heart when she flies away. seems like a good imagery for a movie... but trust me, nothing even comes closer to the amount of pain and sadness it leaves behind. I still wonder, with good intentions, why did i lose out? why couldn't she trust me? why did WE lose? and then i get this voice in my head shouting wildly at me, YOU ARE A LOSER SANDESH.. WHAT BETTER CAN YOU EXPECT? and i am like, well yeah it is true that i am a loser... but i counter argue TO MYSELF.. saying, if i was a loser i wouldnt have found her, wouldn't have met the perfect person if i was a loser.. i still remember the warm touch, the soft sensation on my.. and the look..the eyes, the hands.. oh my it truely felt like heaven around her... but like any other safe haven for the gods.. why be kind to people who don't belong there? right?? would u treat the devil with the luxury of heaven...?? and so i guess... with the last goodbye,,, everything just ended... went down the drain.. I wish you could have tried to talk like the ORIGINAL you.. in the last few hours.. just tried to make me happy before ending it off.. i miss her, i miss the real HER.. i really do, the REAL her.. was the first and preferably the last HER, there's gonna be. I cant take it. Its hard as it is.. and with all this it keeps getting worse. I am sorry. If i m a bad person, i guess i deserved to not be with you. like jesus had the last supper.. i wish we had a special last.. something too.. sigh.. i cant believe it's gonna be over. I love you and never less, only more.

sigh,
help me pick myself up.. i m not strong enough.
give me the strength to see it through,
i cant seem to forget you.

i m sorry.
i hate myself.. as much as u hate me too.

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We could have been together.
Rejoicing the times and
not crying over them.

It's that point in time when you have to take the decision, to know the cold hard truth that in many ways binds things together. You were cold, as much as you were heartless, and obviously you were confused but it does not justify either of the 2 pre-mentioned characteristics. You never sought out to see a little further beyond. Just wish you had. Now, I think it is finally upto you, whether you STILL wanna take the path that leads to happiness or take the one that drives you into the familiar yet uncertain woods. You've been there... you've never been here. I guess, inside you just hate 'here' from your guts. Wouldn't blame you for that anyways.

I think I have made a decision.
Again, you DO NOT want to be here, but you still think of going back there. You cant really show or think or say pretty much anything to anyone and now you are on your own. I just wish you had made the right decision long time ago and these things would've probably vanished. But you don't want that. You WANT these troubles and hardships for maybe that is what makes you think you are so pathetic and miserable. And if I have noticed much, this kind of selfishness never helps anyone, no one at all. But you wouldn't believe me. Why would you? You don't trust me. Your mind is run more by the thoughts of "what does "he" want?" than of 'what should i do for the person who cares?" but I wouldn't meddle in your thoughts anymore, it's best to back it off.

so here it is.
today, you truly lose me, lose me in the silence of your words, and immoral emotions that you failed to return back to me.
I am sad,
and you just took it all away from me.

and for the last time, I love.. , I love.., I love(d) you. (still uncertain?)
sigh

why do you hate me so much?

cyberbeast

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When the prey is weak and vulnerable, that is when the predators attack it. In a way, I too am being attacked, badly, by
"predators". For some good reason, it is not someone that is attacking me but some moral principal that I have been trying to run away from. Yes, I am fucking depressed. And for some reason I am in a position from where I cant talk to anyone. This is just killing me. I can not take it any more. When it is time, I think you just HAVE to. Fuck my life.
Care? I need some emotions. I am deficient of it badly. More than that I need a hug.

"i wanna die."
cyberbeast.

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