Why does everyone want me to hate you? I mean, yes u made mistakes.. but so what?? i make mistakes, everyone makes mistakes... doesnt mean i go around hating everybody.. there ARE people who do that... but well its usually those outcasted people...

I was talking to an incredibly wonderful person today :) and well, somehow she thinks i should hate this someone because the someone screwed me over.. and i was like well.. you ARE gonna meet people in your life who have screwed other people... and just as well might screw you up.. and to that her reply was... "bleh! Dude, she screwed you over, you should HATE her!" haha.. well i know it sounds all weird from her perspective.. but being a person directly involved/affected(/hurt?) by this.. i can tell.. that she wasnt such a bad person after all... and it's really not her fault she doesnt like me like me. haha, and like HALLLOOO!!!! i would never wanna force her to do that.. would i?

sigh, just wanna get past some things... yeah.. anyways.. to the incredibly wonderful person.. i m sorry, but the things we talked about are not gonna happen ever... EVER sounds like a bit too far fetched.. but i can promise you its not gonna happen soon.. haha i kinda put my everything into making the last one work.. and after reaching a certain stage.. the plan just failed.. haha.. and i m really sorry i had to reject "proposals".. i m not in the mood.. or in the place ti go through it all again..

haha, and plus.. i just dont.. i dont.. so really dont bother talking about it the next time...

yeah.. time's come to a very weird place now.. everything is so fucking uncertain.. and this is almost killing me.. things are just gonna get pretty much fucked up when i make the transition from the extremely flexible to the fucking extremely rigid! life's a bitch.. literally..

back again later..
FUCK THE SYSTEM!

cyberbeast.

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i am really thinking whether all of this is going right.. at this moment, it doesnt even seem like it is close to being right at all...
in some level of sense, maybe it is... i mean a's are turning pretty okay till now, but then there are other things that are not so well to do, if you know what i mean.
recently, well yesterday, someone left..and by left i mean, it was like the last good bye in a long time. And then come all the reminiscences of the past... the past that could never be, the way it should have been in some ways.. and so what do i do? i let down meaningless tears that just collect on my shirt that very well reminds me of a wonderful year. it's like that person always breaks my heart when she flies away. seems like a good imagery for a movie... but trust me, nothing even comes closer to the amount of pain and sadness it leaves behind. I still wonder, with good intentions, why did i lose out? why couldn't she trust me? why did WE lose? and then i get this voice in my head shouting wildly at me, YOU ARE A LOSER SANDESH.. WHAT BETTER CAN YOU EXPECT? and i am like, well yeah it is true that i am a loser... but i counter argue TO MYSELF.. saying, if i was a loser i wouldnt have found her, wouldn't have met the perfect person if i was a loser.. i still remember the warm touch, the soft sensation on my.. and the look..the eyes, the hands.. oh my it truely felt like heaven around her... but like any other safe haven for the gods.. why be kind to people who don't belong there? right?? would u treat the devil with the luxury of heaven...?? and so i guess... with the last goodbye,,, everything just ended... went down the drain.. I wish you could have tried to talk like the ORIGINAL you.. in the last few hours.. just tried to make me happy before ending it off.. i miss her, i miss the real HER.. i really do, the REAL her.. was the first and preferably the last HER, there's gonna be. I cant take it. Its hard as it is.. and with all this it keeps getting worse. I am sorry. If i m a bad person, i guess i deserved to not be with you. like jesus had the last supper.. i wish we had a special last.. something too.. sigh.. i cant believe it's gonna be over. I love you and never less, only more.

sigh,
help me pick myself up.. i m not strong enough.
give me the strength to see it through,
i cant seem to forget you.

i m sorry.
i hate myself.. as much as u hate me too.

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We could have been together.
Rejoicing the times and
not crying over them.

It's that point in time when you have to take the decision, to know the cold hard truth that in many ways binds things together. You were cold, as much as you were heartless, and obviously you were confused but it does not justify either of the 2 pre-mentioned characteristics. You never sought out to see a little further beyond. Just wish you had. Now, I think it is finally upto you, whether you STILL wanna take the path that leads to happiness or take the one that drives you into the familiar yet uncertain woods. You've been there... you've never been here. I guess, inside you just hate 'here' from your guts. Wouldn't blame you for that anyways.

I think I have made a decision.
Again, you DO NOT want to be here, but you still think of going back there. You cant really show or think or say pretty much anything to anyone and now you are on your own. I just wish you had made the right decision long time ago and these things would've probably vanished. But you don't want that. You WANT these troubles and hardships for maybe that is what makes you think you are so pathetic and miserable. And if I have noticed much, this kind of selfishness never helps anyone, no one at all. But you wouldn't believe me. Why would you? You don't trust me. Your mind is run more by the thoughts of "what does "he" want?" than of 'what should i do for the person who cares?" but I wouldn't meddle in your thoughts anymore, it's best to back it off.

so here it is.
today, you truly lose me, lose me in the silence of your words, and immoral emotions that you failed to return back to me.
I am sad,
and you just took it all away from me.

and for the last time, I love.. , I love.., I love(d) you. (still uncertain?)
sigh

why do you hate me so much?

cyberbeast

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When the prey is weak and vulnerable, that is when the predators attack it. In a way, I too am being attacked, badly, by
"predators". For some good reason, it is not someone that is attacking me but some moral principal that I have been trying to run away from. Yes, I am fucking depressed. And for some reason I am in a position from where I cant talk to anyone. This is just killing me. I can not take it any more. When it is time, I think you just HAVE to. Fuck my life.
Care? I need some emotions. I am deficient of it badly. More than that I need a hug.

"i wanna die."
cyberbeast.

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Smell is a pretty intoxicating sense. It alters your thoughts in like a flash of a second. But somehow, a particular smell brings certain thoughts to my mind. I have got to be mad to be talking about what I am going to, but, even then being crazy IS my forte. And the thing about smell is that you cant really express it, i mean, for the sense of sight there are pictures and videos, for hearing, there's music, and noise. But for smell, there's nothing. How am I supposed to convey what the heck I am trying to say? We've heard of the brand called dove, owned by Unilever. For some strange reason I associate something with that smell, someone would be more apt. It brings back memories, sweet memories, painful yet worth remembering. Indulgence in the realm of relationships? I guess so. It's too much to think about at the moment, especially when the only choice you are left with is to let go. But with such a smell, how do I let go of the memories? How do I stop the smell reaching to my senses?
It's all just complicated. But with every single passing moment, makes me think that you probably do not have a heart. Maybe you do, but it is filled with so much weight that you do not want to do anything about it. I can't get into your mind, to take control over things, even though it would be my pleasure to do so, because for one thing, I KNOW I can change your life forever. But, sigh, you just wanna continue with this. And the worse thing is, you do not even realise the repercussions of your own decisions.
How easy it is for you to say, I have not been a good person to blah, blah and blah, and then comes the time reference to the blah2. Not that I "should" care, but it does feel tingy, to be frank it really does hurt. I have been over this, and the closer it gets to that, I think the decision will have to be made. I do not want to think about that, but you just do not seem to get off my mind.

Hurt.


Cyberbeast

"It's never about you, bitch. Its about the one-to-one between US."

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No, I am not too sure about anything these days, especially things about you. Yes, I am confused and utterly sad about somethings. It is very hard to let things go. Sometimes more so than ever, because you feel connected to it somehow. And somehow unintentionally, we care about somethings so much that it just so hurts if expectations are not directed in the opposite way. Really, I wish things would have worked out. And when I think how happy 2 people could have been... I just don't know whether to contemplate the loss or what. I feel a little left out in the part where you were supposed to appreciate, the feelings. I guess, mine weren't any different than what others show. But then, dear, if it were so... then probably your actions are definitely justified. And there's always this one thing that bugs me. Why make "the choice" from the "others"? It's all gonna be a mystery. I guess, this IS my break up. Break up with/from what? I also don't know the answer to that. Haha, funny isn't it? Well, LAUGH then, cause I think I am a joke.
Shit, when I think of those times, it just feels so different, and good. Those moments before things started to fuck up are like the best ever. haha, I am depressed.

Now I know that I can't make you stay
But where's your heart?
But where's your heart?
But where's your...?

And I know there's nothing I could say
To change that part
To change that part
To change...

So many bright lights to cast a shadow, but can I speak?
Well, is it hard understanding I'm incomplete?
A life that's so demanding, I get so weak
A love that's so demanding, I can't speak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you could say can stop me going home

Can you see my eyes are shining bright
?Cause I'm out here on the other side
Of a jet black hotel mirror and I'm so weak
Is it hard understanding I'm incomplete?
A love that's so demanding I get weak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you could say can stop me going home

These bright lights have always blinded me
These bright lights have always blinded me
I say

I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead

(How can I see, I see you lying)
'Cause I see you lying next to me
(How can I see, I see you lying)
With words I thought I'd never speak
(How can I see, I see you lying)
Awake and unafraid
(How can I see, I see you lying)
Asleep or dead!

'Cause I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead!

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
(Or dead!)
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home
(Or dead!)

Long ago
Just like the hearse, you die to get in again
We are so far from you

Burning on
Just like a match you strike to incinerate
The lives of everyone you know

And what's the worst you take
(Worst you take)
From every heart you break
(Heart you break)
And like a blade you stain
(Blade you stain)
Well, I've been holding on tonight

What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

Came a time
When every star fall
Brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold

And what's the worst you take
(Worst you take)
From every heart you break
(Heart you break)
And like the blade you stain
(Blade you stain)
Well, I've been holding on tonight

What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

Well, if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long NOT goodnight

Can you hear me?
Are you near me?
Can we pretend?
To leave and then
We'll meet again
When both our cars collide

What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight

Well, if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

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A mother sings a lullaby to a child
Sometime in the future the boy goes wild
And all his nerves are feeling some kind of energy

A walk in the woods and I will try
Something under the trees that made you cry
It's so ****** when your make up runs

A few minutes with me inside my van
Should be so beautiful if we can
I'm feeling something taking over me

I got wiring loose inside my head
I got books that I never, ever read
I got secrets in my garden shed
I got a scar where all my urges bled
I got people underneath my bed
I got a place where all my dreams are dead
Swim with me into your blackest eyes


fuck.. i wish u cud have been, with me and mine.
hmm .. chocolate... is just awesome.. but u make it seem like ecstasy.

wish u'd care.

‎'silence between two unknown people creates the relation' and 'silence between two known people breaks relation'

well i guess, i love u wayy more than i can ever think of hating u (although u always do give me the reasons to.. )

cyberbeast

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