And I am back here again! Why does it have to be that every time I think I want to leave this blog alone, somewhere somehow, I came back to it, crying and begging for those things to come out of me and in its own minute ways make me a feel a little better. Today, was another one of those days, where things seem to be going slightly faster than the rest, and you keep riding the waves over and over again, with people. And then, hurricane strikes, and there's destruction all over again! Crashing and banging everything that comes in the way, doesn't bother to stop at all.

Today, I confessed something to someone, only to make that person feel, if not angry, CONFUSED! :( brings me back to the those days, when lying in the field, I was attracted to her, like the moon to the earth, beneath the mysterious shadows of the tress in the night. What would it mean, to her, I did not know.. but for the the curiosity, I did surrender my feelings... I let it go, i was bound to her, and time was standing still, i could hear every insect singing, every leaf falling, every subtle sound in the environment, but the one i could hear the most distinctly was the sound of her warm breath and the touch of her soft skin when I held her little hands in mine. The warm aura, was immensely strong, and that feeling was so gigantic, it could have ripped planets apart. Maybe that is happiness, or maybe it signifies the incoming doom, awaiting your arrival in the best of emotions, the best of moods... and then not hours before everything starts feeling like a rainbow clad sky, it all explodes... explodes to a million pieces, scattered everywhere, like the remains of the flesh and blood from the soldiers dead in war! But this time, it was my blood, and it was my flesh, and it was my mind, that had died, and she was there, standing in the meadow, observing all the tiny things, probably feeling bad, but also, no strong emotions showed up in her heart. And then when I gathered enough strength to put myself together, she was gone... enjoying "nights" with other people!

THAT was the recollection of the thoughts that went through my mind.. when yesterday, I was honest (and probably foolish) enough to tell (a new) her, what i feel.. And I did not realise the apparent doom that was inbound on my course. The rain outside just probably added to the theatrics of it all, but ever so badly, I was mad, i was angry AT MYSELF! Another person, whom I couldn't and would never want to hurt, I probably did.. and How i fucking wish I could penetrate into the thoughts in her mind, and plant a seed that would make her realise that I am NOT like others, I DO NOT want what others do... For me, I am the GIVER.. i give.. and to you.. i can only give... a reason for you to smile. Maybe these things don't have scientific proofs or theories or thesis to understand, why I am attracted to you or why my mind tricks me into believing that I might have the power to keep you happy, and hence smiling... I just want to intermix, my emotions into the one Emotion of yours.. your happiness.. all i want is for you to realise THAT! Yeah, true that, its just been a few days, maybe weeks, but you dont wait till the rain stops to appreciate the rainbow afterwards... you start looking for signs, and colours that could help you spot a rainbow from the distance... because, when you DO spot it, it feels nothing less than heavenly to keep looking at it... sparkling.. and almost false to be magical! But THAT almost never happened... I think its wrong of me to be so open, to be so honest.. Why can't I be like those others... I guess, i am not programmed to work that way... but is being honest.. worth it.. is it worth the, perhaps, limited pain that it can inflict to those I care about.. those I WANT to care for??

The worst part, was when even YOU went silent, like her... i literally died.. restlessness would just simply be an understatement to describe what i was feeling inside... but I am glad, that unlike her, YOU, bounced back.. and you comforted me... I felt so incapable... so helpless, and at these times, even apologising seems ordinary... the only extra ordinary feat that would be the option would be to meet you, but that seemed like out of this world.

Even then, all i want to try and do now, is to not hurt you anymore.. you already know what i feel (though for some strange reason i regret telling you), and it's gonna be impossible for it to change, even if you claim that i might start feeling differently, once i get to know you... Although, i would wanna tell you.. that this whole, "attraction" is not at all about how I feel!!! It's just about a desire, to wanna see you smile.. i mean, i just wanna be in love with the pleasure of seeing you smile... yeah yeah, what sort of an idiot am i to fall for someone's smile.. but its true... it maybe a concept of a whole new other level in my mind.. but for surely it is true... what i can i say... you've got more power over it apparently.

I was scared, that I might lose you over something... that was just natural. and I really wish I hadn't hurt you... or even confused you.. or whatever you wanna call it.. and I still dont know how to tell you that.. its not YOU, who did anything to make me feel that way about you.. i mean YES, its you.. but its just the natural you.. You don't even have to try hard to make me wanna be with you. Is it so hard to convey that..?? apparently it is... I hope you can understand, that incidents regarding these things rip me apart, i maybe some iron man figure on the outside, but inside, i am as helpless as a newborn child..

all in all,

i wish i could tell you, in words, how sorry I am to have put you in a position, a state of confusion, no matter how brief it would have been.. and its definitely my fault..

i hope and i really wish, i do not hurt you more.. i'll have to look twice ahead before treading even a small footstep in your direction.. i don't know if i'll be able to look up at you straight... but yes, this guilt is gonna run behind me for a long long time... maybe something can change this.. but i am not even considering that..

all this brings about certain new questions to the arena... and there could be limitless choices and answers... i hope to find mine in that maze... and i hope you'll help me find it...

again, i need your trust.. and your friendship, and most important of all to know that you have forgiven, or left behind the "confusion" i enveloped around you tonight!! Just please, carry, the good things that are left for to be taken, and guide me where I should be..

I am really sorry.

I hope you liked the pic I edited for you, In whatever time i had, all i wanted to emphasize on, through the picture, was the fact that, everything else seemed blurry and almost lifeless (colourless) when thinking about the fact that i hurt you, but the way you came back about it, the way you were so supportive and almost as charmingly nice... I couldn't help imagine, the soul, the only colour at that moment in my head.. and i could see you smile a little bit.. that was and even currently is.. the fuel keeping my mind stable and steady..

don't change for the fear of what i feel, i am not strong enough to lose something that precious. Of all things, I value people more than anything.. and you are my recent "discovery"!! and it really doesn't matter... what or how I feel...

sigh,

its been some time, since i fought with my eyes.. and ultimately like always I won, but there was indeed much "tear"-shedding, and muscular rubbings to the eye... and at the end of it all, the eyes saw red.. and so was the victory achieved...

i m just insane..

i m crazily insane..

need to think... need to study.. need to focus

urgh,

until next time,

cyberbeast

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So, you wont just let go of my mind now will you? You just wanna grab every single inch of it and not let go. I can't throw my resistance at you, and so it is even more harder for me. I am currently standing on my newly bought apartment overlooking an extremely wonderful view around me, but yet i feel so blank and more than anything, THAT is not what i wanna feel. Where has that excitement gone?? where is that tender, feeble sense of enthusiasm? I guess it has passed, more like MOVED on, like the fading sound of a railway engine in the distance. HAHAHA, MOVING ON! what a phenomena THAT can be eh? Have I moved on? Have I, really? I think I have but my mental demeanor definitely doesn't claim it. I still keep dreaming about those things that happened, that SHOULD have happened, but ever more so, they NEVER did, may whatever the reasons would have been. So when and where does this wind up? A part of me wants to get over these things as quickly as possible, maybe pack it in a metallic trunk and throw it away forever, or perhaps bury it deep down somewhere in some place that i could possibly not remember. But then there is that OTHER part of me, which cant let go of it. Those dreams, ah, those dreams.. couldnt be more real than as much as reliving it, and yet I know being the dreamer... it will always be the dream and that REALITY is, inadvertently the place I HAVE TO BE.. no matter how much I detest it. URGH!

so here's to a new start that marks the beginning of something different... which at THIS point of time, I completely abhor even before I have experienced it, but this is not what i wanted.

so here's to LET go,

here's to MOVE on,

here's to start hating it even more.

i'll be back later..

and WOW, you actually started talking the way i wanted you too.. i wish we could have kept THIS going on at the time when it would have mattered a lot more than today. but i m glad, you reached that place where it went back to the way it was supposed to be. 2 years and 5 months... FUCK thats a lot of time to bounce back to normality. urgh.. THAT thing with you was such a freaking disaster... WHY?? i question myself and yet I am still waiting for an answer to pop. haha.

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The Silent Scream!

So what does it feel like to fall down this badly and not be able to get back up because you know you are going to end up just there again??! Well I have exactly that going through my mind because it applies to me pretty clearly. Ever wondered things could go so wrong? Of course, everyone does see the positive and negative side of things, but does anyone, did I for that matter, ever imagine it to go down the drain so quickly and painfully? I guess not! Probably because I was living in a dreamworld when I was supposed to be seeing the "negative side" of things. Oh, that dream world! Part of that DREAM was actually much of a reality. I mean, I wouldn't have even thought in my dreams that I would actually be so close to you, so close that I'd be able to hear you breathe, feel you move and the gentle calm winds just turning the silence of the late night into the subtlety of the dawn. I remember trying to hold you tight and wanting to give you the warmth that I sincerely thought you deserved especially after all that YOU went through. I tried to be a hero, tried to make your problems my own and drive them away. I was so much like the stereotypical spy ~ working behind the scenes to ensure the success of a mission. Just my mission went totally wrong. I remember the heightened sense of breaking rules standing on the other side against authority, with you, clutching your tiny hands, silently admiring the enchanted texture of your skin and of the little fingers that felt like fragile glass.. the imagery, even when I think of it today can not match the reality of it. That's the thing with me I guess... for NORMAL people, reality can not reach imagination, while for someone pathetically ABNORMAL like me, even imagination comes down to it's knees trying to match up to the reality of what I went through, went through with you. Oh, it was beautiful and eternally timeless, the times, and of course, you were too. Only had I known the way it was going to turn out the way it did, only if i knew, that you were in a completely different place, only if i hadn't listened to your "soul sister", Maybe just MAYBE i wouldn't be shedding tears of sadness, grief, defeat and loss right now. So many people don't understand why I still even talk to you. They tell me tales of break ups and parting and 2 people not wanting to even look at each other leave alone talking. And what most still don't understand is why I forgave? Well, i dunno if i'll ever be able to give them an answer to that, but what my conscience is based upon for this question is that, before the start of it all, i had started envisioning what we'd be like, and although the real picture never took the expected shades, I knew that if even something were to come out of this, then it would have to be about what I can give to that entity comprising "US". And forgiveness was one thing that was pretty much the easiest thing to "give" for "US". After exactly 26 months since the last time I remember having any hopes for you to.... well, any hopes at all, I am still stuck in the middle of something.

I still don't understand where I went wrong, or is there something I dint do well enough. Each story needs the characters to bide to their role so as to even hope for the story to be appreciated. I just didn't do enough. Hell I don't even know if the story is yet finished or if the book's even got any more chapters.

I want to know where I am going wrong because it seems like all I have done is made the wrong choices, but I don't think that my first, and definitely the only choice, about you was wrong, but why am I where I am right now? why am i on the losing side of battles, the losing side of life...? if this is meant for a greater good, then why did i lose the one thing i really wanted, one thing that I thought wouldn't be a gamble but a sure shot investment with guaranteed returns. Even the best banks in the world can't predict such investments and there I had it in my mind. I think about you and suddenly I start tracing back behind 26 months, and the alternative path seems so much better... if only you had given me the chance. So how do I pick myself from here, without shedding a single tear and not reminisce the lovely you, the lovely imagery of us in the darkest moments.. the warmth, the connection (or atleast I thought so)...

i wanna scream, and demand some higher authority to put me back in time, and let me hold you so close, let your hands be in mine, let your hair be in my face, and my scarred heart feel the tenderness of yours and let me believe that NOTHING CAN GO WRONG as long as I am with you.

but then again, THAT would hurt even more so than every, cuz despite everything I can't deny the fact that your "alliance lies with someone else", and this is probably never what you wanted either.

but no matter what i try to do,

the only thing i can do, is utter,

a silent scream.

please talk to me, comfort me about this... even after so much time when I thought that I had finally let it go, a dream made it bring it all back.. all back...

i... i miss you.

but sigh, i forget, i can only scream silently. you can't hear this.

:(

even if you can't hear me, i still do, in the innocence of everything we did back then, miss you very much.

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So, right now.. I am in a position, from where I can not see beyond, and neither can I turn back. In such a binding state, I am forced to move on forward.. trodding along the same dreaded path, until maybe I find a detour, or maybe a completely different path. But the walk is long, and tiring, and is extremely dull and sad. It doesn't have colour to say the least. But I need to still keep walking, which I am, but only to keep questioning myself... So when does my destination come in sight?!

So unsure I am right now, about whats about to come next, that it is eating me up like poison. On the surface, there isnt much change, but deep down beneath, the reactions are already getting onto my nerves and slowly, WILL eventually consume my entire self.

I know I am gonna be rejected soon by someone/something.. and till then I will in this state of confusion. But the poison has still not reached THAT deep in my heart, so as to deteriorate the HOPE of a chance that I might not be rejected and denied shamefully. That hope is precisely what keeps me trying to fight it out.. but I can't say anything, until I see some concrete proof.

All in all, the past few months have been nothing, but a wreck, eating me out.. like a predator grubbling on its prey.. and leaving nothing but the bones for to decompose.

I need a little more hope. and obviously something concrete.. until then my eyes will be shadowed.. and I hope my next creation captures it all.

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So how does it feel to be DEFEATED? defeated by no one else BUT you. Can one truely be defeated by oneself? I sure do think so. I made that picture on top, because somewhere somehow, it feels very apt, to imagine a face, hidden in sight from the viewer. I can see that face, my face, mine right there, trying to avoid everything.. avoiding those eyes, avoiding those conversations, avoiding YOU. On a different note, I am glad things are working out well for you. But I am still hurt. Coming back to what I was talking about.. I know when they say, your own true enemy is no one but You. never really experienced it before, but ever since... YOU show up in my life, things are going on a rollercoaster rush. And up until now I cant pick myself up. Not blaming anyone but myself. Why? cause I was blind, I was driven mad at the sound of it.

AIEEE was yesterday. The question paper got leaked somewhere in the country and the exam got postponed and while that was happening, a new set of question papers was being delivered across the country. The leaked question paper was replaced by a new one, which according to tutors, turned to be more KILLER than the one that got leaked. So in many ways, those that leaked the paper, screwed the entire country's takers. And as for me, I had a bad time (DUH!). and before I start to talk about that, here's what a newspapers article read this morning "AIEEE Physics was extremely difficult, Chemistry - nominally difficult and Maths was just difficult". And well that fits in my situation as well.. but I screwed up Chem, more even so than Physics and Maths. I cud only do 5 questions of the 30 asked. I knew many others, just wasnt 100% sure, and with the stupid, NEGATIVE marking (-1/4 mark for every wrong answer) I dint take my chances. But this was just the beginning of what followed next.. PARENTS!!! At the end of the exam, i let them know how i did.. they started terrorizing me with my wrongdoing about not having been able to solve a lot of questions. At times, I feel as if they have a problem with their memories... I mean, I had 3 fucking months to study a subject from level 0 and while others have 2 years to do the same piece of work. The course have 40+ chapters. Every chapter worth 20 pages of chemical gibberish that does not, intrigue me even a little. And yet even after all that, they fucking expect to have at least solved 20 out of 30 questions??!!! i mean WTF!! I really wanted to jump out of the car, cuz frankly that would have been just so much better than having to listen to them.. and when I try to explain myself, all I got was - well, a chance to NOT talk. I was pissed, and frustrated.. and i said things that I shouldnt have. I mean, I said some really rude stuff to my parents, only regretting it later... but when you push someone (like me) over a certain limit, what else CAN someone do?? The thing I detest about my parents (particularly someone), is that their method of "making me learn" or "grooming" me at my age is completely wrong. They are like Usain Bolts of throwing negative comments, and criticizing. THEY NEVER BOTHER to give their criticism a more, CONSTRUCTIVE side. The whole fucking world is like some kind of a ball filled only with negativity. Sigh.

Everything's gone from bad to worse, and while a friend of mine claims "it'll be over soon", I don't see an end coming soon, mate. I really need someone.. someone my age, who understands what I am going through, all this stupid loneliness, and disconnection from the world.. is turning me into someone I dont wanna be. Obviously, THIS is not as important as being able to answer at least 20 questions out of 30. And while this, they dont care, about the other part of the paper, which sort of went well. But like I said, NEGATIVE is ALL They see!!

I could really use some good news soon, though I am not expecting any.

Someone come to me.. I need you more than ever.

A small personal composition, for a departing thought..

Cant feel the wind brush my face,
lost in sorrow,
i feel my life is just a waste

so much hurt inside
darkness in my thoughts
too many times have i cried

cant feel the sunlight warm my skin
i cant take it anymore
the sadness grows from within

broken wings, i can no longer fly
i am the fallen hero
all i want is to die

cant feel the cold kiss my cheek
im giving up,
i accept my defeat

i punch those walls
i bleed out all the pain
i cant belive it ended like this....

cant feel the essence of my soul
my heart stops beating
ive finally let go

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It all starts and ends with a dream.

Something that my memories wanted me to bring out. I wish I could see your face, but I know it's already looking somewhere else, waiting for someone else. It was truly a wonderful "illusion", though nonetheless enjoyable, because you were in it. But sigh, you are bound to "other" illusions. But you stay happy.

CURRENT MOOD: Sad!

MOOD LEVEL : +6 (Sadness)

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After reading all that, the one thing I definitely directed my attention to was to understand why NOW, at this point in time, what you might have said in the past.. is so contradictory! Somehow, back in time, I really did think that maybe you finally see me for the person I wanna be to you. But more than ever, it was just a force pushing you further away. You lied to me? for what, I ask?

I guess it is just plain incorrect to say that "3AM friends" understand each other the best, and I rest my case AGAINST that stupid newspaper article I read a few days ago. I was, well, or atleast tried to be a good "3AM friend". I don't know, if well, someone has ever done that for you, even after everything that we've been through, but you were blinded by the company of "someone". It's like that thing people put on a horse's face, so that it cant see sideways.. but only straight. When there WERE ppl at your side, they were in darkness for you. All they probably meant to you was a stupid black patch, never to realise that they were the ones, in fact, who supported you for ur 'partial' sideways blindness. But all you kept appreciating, is what you saw in front.. that "someone" who well in many ways and in countless definitions was no more than the semi-heroic Casanova. At least, Casanova had the decency to give up his sexual desires, when he met the one girl who changed his life. And here YOU are, probably waiting for YOUR Casanova to change colours, which is going to be hard... considering your choice of certain decisions. I have not asked you that one single question, that will make everything clear in my mind. I mean the answer to that question can solve the mystery of YOUR emotions, feelings.. and of the reason as to why you are nothing but a (in Hindi) "raand" to your so called "man of your life" Casanova. I will ask you that question more soon than ever, because for a thousand reasons and one I NEED TO MAKE PEACE with it too, because somewhere somehow, in the shadows of this super-long "episode", I too played a part and I too, got hurt (maybe more so than ever).

Some people have been talking about Silences and how special these are to well these people, but I think they forget to acknowledge the fact that, with silence comes along so many, unwanted necessities. I call them necessities because somewhere down the line, without these, relations just BREAK. I mean literally! Silence can be desired only when before silence, what needs to be conveyed, IS conveyed.. and NECESSARILY through sound, speech, words. Humans have YET to discover and hopefully, master the art of speaking to others with their minds. Very vaguely, people think they can "connect" to others without speaking, and while I don't doubt such existence of psychic connections, I highly doubt it starts and ends with SILENCES. To cultivate such connections, to reach the deeper side of a person (with whom to connect), there is so much to know, and to do. While you tend to rest away from all these, it makes everything difficult. Pretty much is the case with what is going on with you too. You never spoke, Mr. Ben(efits) thought "you were a dumbass weirdo" (quoting Mr. Ben himself) and while those were the thoughts in his mind, you were on a completely different place, imagining more romantic situations only to be interpreted completely differently by your "Made me believe in..." guy!

But I don't blame you for this, and nor do I want you to see it that way or infer anything along those lines from this post, because every person is different, and hence unique. Maybe, the best way to connect with you is through Silences, silences that don't ever make sense to others but that is what is unique about you.

When someone does indeed realise that, that person is in maybe the same kind of place, that someone else has been in.. and you know that, you cant get what you want, if it were me, I'd try working it out in reverse, and try making it better for at least one person. But you don't see that.

I wish I could ask you to talk to your best friend from a not so distant past, because in many ways, she went through the same thing as you with her Mr. V! But I am nobody to tell you that!

For a moment there, I really thought, that those things were about me, I mean I just glanced through the words, and somehow those happenings were in my mind too, until I read a little carefully, to know more about "dancing", "castles" and the epic "falling". I knew these weren't the words. It felt like the feeling you have when you think you are gonna get a present, and its only when you have the present in your hand, you realise its not even meant for you. Makes you feel so rejected, and discarded.

With everything happening in life right now, being discarded is the only thing I deserve. I guess, I AM the perfect epitome of being a perfect LOSER!!

PS - I wish u2 get bck, cuz aftr tht I'll be free 2 go away frm u completely. I don't wanna be the reason for parting u anyways, or atleast that is what Ben thinks, and for a major part, I think so too. sigh.

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