And I am back here again! Why does it have to be that every time I think I want to leave this blog alone, somewhere somehow, I came back to it, crying and begging for those things to come out of me and in its own minute ways make me a feel a little better. Today, was another one of those days, where things seem to be going slightly faster than the rest, and you keep riding the waves over and over again, with people. And then, hurricane strikes, and there's destruction all over again! Crashing and banging everything that comes in the way, doesn't bother to stop at all.
Today, I confessed something to someone, only to make that person feel, if not angry, CONFUSED! :( brings me back to the those days, when lying in the field, I was attracted to her, like the moon to the earth, beneath the mysterious shadows of the tress in the night. What would it mean, to her, I did not know.. but for the the curiosity, I did surrender my feelings... I let it go, i was bound to her, and time was standing still, i could hear every insect singing, every leaf falling, every subtle sound in the environment, but the one i could hear the most distinctly was the sound of her warm breath and the touch of her soft skin when I held her little hands in mine. The warm aura, was immensely strong, and that feeling was so gigantic, it could have ripped planets apart. Maybe that is happiness, or maybe it signifies the incoming doom, awaiting your arrival in the best of emotions, the best of moods... and then not hours before everything starts feeling like a rainbow clad sky, it all explodes... explodes to a million pieces, scattered everywhere, like the remains of the flesh and blood from the soldiers dead in war! But this time, it was my blood, and it was my flesh, and it was my mind, that had died, and she was there, standing in the meadow, observing all the tiny things, probably feeling bad, but also, no strong emotions showed up in her heart. And then when I gathered enough strength to put myself together, she was gone... enjoying "nights" with other people!
THAT was the recollection of the thoughts that went through my mind.. when yesterday, I was honest (and probably foolish) enough to tell (a new) her, what i feel.. And I did not realise the apparent doom that was inbound on my course. The rain outside just probably added to the theatrics of it all, but ever so badly, I was mad, i was angry AT MYSELF! Another person, whom I couldn't and would never want to hurt, I probably did.. and How i fucking wish I could penetrate into the thoughts in her mind, and plant a seed that would make her realise that I am NOT like others, I DO NOT want what others do... For me, I am the GIVER.. i give.. and to you.. i can only give... a reason for you to smile. Maybe these things don't have scientific proofs or theories or thesis to understand, why I am attracted to you or why my mind tricks me into believing that I might have the power to keep you happy, and hence smiling... I just want to intermix, my emotions into the one Emotion of yours.. your happiness.. all i want is for you to realise THAT! Yeah, true that, its just been a few days, maybe weeks, but you dont wait till the rain stops to appreciate the rainbow afterwards... you start looking for signs, and colours that could help you spot a rainbow from the distance... because, when you DO spot it, it feels nothing less than heavenly to keep looking at it... sparkling.. and almost false to be magical! But THAT almost never happened... I think its wrong of me to be so open, to be so honest.. Why can't I be like those others... I guess, i am not programmed to work that way... but is being honest.. worth it.. is it worth the, perhaps, limited pain that it can inflict to those I care about.. those I WANT to care for??
The worst part, was when even YOU went silent, like her... i literally died.. restlessness would just simply be an understatement to describe what i was feeling inside... but I am glad, that unlike her, YOU, bounced back.. and you comforted me... I felt so incapable... so helpless, and at these times, even apologising seems ordinary... the only extra ordinary feat that would be the option would be to meet you, but that seemed like out of this world.
Even then, all i want to try and do now, is to not hurt you anymore.. you already know what i feel (though for some strange reason i regret telling you), and it's gonna be impossible for it to change, even if you claim that i might start feeling differently, once i get to know you... Although, i would wanna tell you.. that this whole, "attraction" is not at all about how I feel!!! It's just about a desire, to wanna see you smile.. i mean, i just wanna be in love with the pleasure of seeing you smile... yeah yeah, what sort of an idiot am i to fall for someone's smile.. but its true... it maybe a concept of a whole new other level in my mind.. but for surely it is true... what i can i say... you've got more power over it apparently.
I was scared, that I might lose you over something... that was just natural. and I really wish I hadn't hurt you... or even confused you.. or whatever you wanna call it.. and I still dont know how to tell you that.. its not YOU, who did anything to make me feel that way about you.. i mean YES, its you.. but its just the natural you.. You don't even have to try hard to make me wanna be with you. Is it so hard to convey that..?? apparently it is... I hope you can understand, that incidents regarding these things rip me apart, i maybe some iron man figure on the outside, but inside, i am as helpless as a newborn child..
all in all,
i wish i could tell you, in words, how sorry I am to have put you in a position, a state of confusion, no matter how brief it would have been.. and its definitely my fault..
i hope and i really wish, i do not hurt you more.. i'll have to look twice ahead before treading even a small footstep in your direction.. i don't know if i'll be able to look up at you straight... but yes, this guilt is gonna run behind me for a long long time... maybe something can change this.. but i am not even considering that..
all this brings about certain new questions to the arena... and there could be limitless choices and answers... i hope to find mine in that maze... and i hope you'll help me find it...
again, i need your trust.. and your friendship, and most important of all to know that you have forgiven, or left behind the "confusion" i enveloped around you tonight!! Just please, carry, the good things that are left for to be taken, and guide me where I should be..
I am really sorry.
I hope you liked the pic I edited for you, In whatever time i had, all i wanted to emphasize on, through the picture, was the fact that, everything else seemed blurry and almost lifeless (colourless) when thinking about the fact that i hurt you, but the way you came back about it, the way you were so supportive and almost as charmingly nice... I couldn't help imagine, the soul, the only colour at that moment in my head.. and i could see you smile a little bit.. that was and even currently is.. the fuel keeping my mind stable and steady..
don't change for the fear of what i feel, i am not strong enough to lose something that precious. Of all things, I value people more than anything.. and you are my recent "discovery"!! and it really doesn't matter... what or how I feel...
sigh,
its been some time, since i fought with my eyes.. and ultimately like always I won, but there was indeed much "tear"-shedding, and muscular rubbings to the eye... and at the end of it all, the eyes saw red.. and so was the victory achieved...
i m just insane..
i m crazily insane..
need to think... need to study.. need to focus
urgh,
until next time,
cyberbeast
