I havent chosen my option yet.

Composed a piece today.. named it 'departure' resembling that feeling i have inside me since a very long time.. but today it just came out.

felt like giving another chance, cause it wouldnt hurt anyone to hear an explanation.. but how would even an explanation heal a state of heart and mind that is already battered by those actions. I guess, first times are always like that.. or at least it is gonna be for me. But it seems it is going to be very hard for "people" to understand somethings.. because I think that for you its like a prerogative... with a tinge of selfishness. Selfishness isnt the right word. Selfishness is more like an imposed thing... you force yourself to chose SELFISHness over selflessness because of your god damn decisions. And because all you believe in is that you are god damn failure... you never seem to know anything.. i wonder why.. probably its because.. all you care about is well YOU and that too you do not understand properly. and You are definitely NOT normal.. not at ALL. People fool around and their actions almost feed ur butterfly and all you can say is that u will try and put the butterfly in the jar but u never do. why is it like something so hard for you to put a god damn jar not just around ur butterfly but also yourself. i dont doubt the fact that sometimes the scripts are written that way, but you dont have to overdo your part.. u are not in a freaking movie about a damsel with whom, everything just always goes wrong.. those things dont happen.. unless you force ur environment to do so..

seriously, the reason you think your stars leave is cause u dont know how to keep them well.. you just want more and more and for those you do have dont really mean anything to you.

so another star is gonna depart soon, if not now.

and once the emotions are confirmed, the rhythm is set , the melody is played.. the departure will be final.

so do something, before the stars that could be your diamond, vanishes.

cyberbeast.

so this star will

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haaa.. back after quite some time.. but no point dwelling on that..

here's the deal..

sometimes you have to look beyond certain things to understand the gravity of stuff... but well... not everyone thinks that way. Its interesting how everyone, although similar, think so differently.. i mean not that i have any problems with diversity or what.. but in some ways, i think ppl SHOULD think in a way that is valid for all.. but then again, its never too easy to understand what someone thinks.. all because of illusions and deceit. And when it all clashes, begins the proprietary war as to whose ideology beats 'em all. I think it doesn't serve much purpose... just something to fight about for personal glory. haha.

weird random thoughts plaguing my mind right now..

at the top of it, is the thoughts of someone.. haha yeah THAT someone.. remember? haha.. i have read some psychology books about human behaviour and modification but even they claim that understanding the realm of mind is way beyond human understanding.. and that is very very true and i can very well pledge for it. For instance.. i know this person.. (i cud go into adjectives describing tht person, but its not needed.... or well if you are careful enough.. , its already been mentioned before) so yeah i was talking about this person.. i have been thinking about this person for sometime.. i have noticed and known this person for a significant amount of time.. and well i have to say.. i have never had a first impression of a person so deep. so now after the supposed 'significant' time, i am at a path that kinda is blurred by the way things are going now.. nothing's clear.. how am i to see what is to come.. if i cant know what this person is gonna show me. i m stuck here in a dilemma.. no.. wait.. trilemma.. because.. i have to choose from 3 fucking totally opposite options.. A, B and C. Choosing A is what most people would have done had they been in such situations... but thats not exactly the kind of option i wanna go for.. its dangerous.. and lets just say.. it fucking kills the whole point.. of having those first impressions and feelings. So A would be my last option if i cant decide between B and C. Lowest priority. Then comes option, B.. option B aint so bad.. it seems rational.. in favor of... (i'd like to say everyone, but i think one, maybe 2 people wud lose out in the long run). I actually did try option B for a while.. it went well.. till things started getting deeper.. and from one thing.. led to another. Option B closes certain doors.. doors that i dont wanna close.. cause lets just say.. the the person kinda OPENed those doors for the very first time in life.. think about it.. why would anyone want to close the doors that leads the path to something sacred especially knowing that once u close them u cant open them ever again.. So thats option B... Option C is to just pretend that everything's fine.. and let things go the way they are and keep hoping that somewhere somehow u will see the unknown path in front of u/.. i m not exactly a fan of such pretense games.. its really not good at all.. or at least I SUCK at it.. yeah. and although hard to believe.. but this option kinda hurts more than option B. SURPRISING?? well thats how it is...

and the thing that is pushing me deeper in this trilemma are the facts that keep showing up.. every now and then.. and although it hurts.. but i let it go.. because (well lets just not go there...) so i am in a trilemma cuz of this person.. and i have options in front of me.. to some people.. thats a good situation to be in, for i have a problem and i have 3 possible solutions.. but here's where i drop dead.. i dont know what that person thinks.. sometimes its easier to assume.. but then i always assume the extreme.. which for a lot of reasons cant be validated.. how am i even supposed to?? possibly that person doesnt have an idea how much its eating me up inside.. and day and night i think about getting past the stage of making choices... and i just so think that i have spent too much time trying to decide...

i have my options and i have my reasons.. i have every good cause to fight out for it.. even though I AM at a disadvantage (again, thanks to the person)..

choices, and decisions, and emotions...

haha..

guess its all part of life.

be right back for more..

cyberbeast..

"work it out, bitch. thats all u need to do."

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haaa.. back after quite some time.. but no point dwelling on that..

here's the deal..

sometimes you have to look beyond certain things to understand the gravity of stuff... but well... not everyone thinks that way. Its interesting how everyone, although similar, think so differently.. i mean not that i have any problems with diversity or what.. but in some ways, i think ppl SHOULD think in a way that is valid for all.. but then again, its never too easy to understand what someone thinks.. all because of illusions and deceit. And when it all clashes, begins the proprietary war as to whose ideology beats 'em all. I think it doesn't serve much purpose... just something to fight about for personal glory. haha.

weird random thoughts plaguing my mind right now..

at the top of it, is the thoughts of someone.. haha yeah THAT someone.. remember? haha.. i have read some psychology books about human behaviour and modification but even they claim that understanding the realm of mind is way beyond human understanding.. and that is very very true and i can very well pledge for it. For instance.. i know this person.. (i cud go into adjectives describing tht person, but its not needed.... or well if you are careful enough.. , its already been mentioned before) so yeah i was talking about this person.. i have been thinking about this person for sometime.. i have noticed and known this person for a significant amount of time.. and well i have to say.. i have never had a first impression of a person so deep. so now after the supposed 'significant' time, i am at a path that kinda is blurred by the way things are going now.. nothing's clear.. how am i to see what is to come.. if i cant know what this person is gonna show me. i m stuck here in a dilemma.. no.. wait.. trilemma.. because.. i have to choose from 3 fucking totally opposite options.. A, B and C. Choosing A is what most people would have done had they been in such situations... but thats not exactly the kind of option i wanna go for.. its dangerous.. and lets just say.. it fucking kills the whole point.. of having those first impressions and feelings. So A would be my last option if i cant decide between B and C. Lowest priority. Then comes option, B.. option B aint so bad.. it seems rational.. in favor of... (i'd like to say everyone, but i think one, maybe 2 people wud lose out in the long run). I actually did try option B for a while.. it went well.. till things started getting deeper.. and from one thing.. led to another. Option B closes certain doors.. doors that i dont wanna close.. cause lets just say.. the the person kinda OPENed those doors for the very first time in life.. think about it.. why would anyone want to close the doors that leads the path to something sacred especially knowing that once u close them u cant open them ever again.. So thats option B... Option C is to just pretend that everything's fine.. and let things go the way they are and keep hoping that somewhere somehow u will see the unknown path in front of u/.. i m not exactly a fan of such pretense games.. its really not good at all.. or at least I SUCK at it.. yeah. and although hard to believe.. but this option kinda hurts more than option B. SURPRISING?? well thats how it is...

and the thing that is pushing me deeper in this trilemma are the facts that keep showing up.. every now and then.. and although it hurts.. but i let it go.. because (well lets just not go there...) so i am in a trilemma cuz of this person.. and i have options in front of me.. to some people.. thats a good situation to be in, for i have a problem and i have 3 possible solutions.. but here's where i drop dead.. i dont know what that person thinks.. sometimes its easier to assume.. but then i always assume the extreme.. which for a lot of reasons cant be validated.. how am i even supposed to?? possibly that person doesnt have an idea how much its eating me up inside.. and day and night i think about getting past the stage of making choices... and i just so think that i have spent too much time trying to decide...

i have my options and i have my reasons.. i have every good cause to fight out for it.. even though I AM at a disadvantage (again, thanks to the person)..

choices, and decisions, and emotions...

haha..

guess its all part of life.

be right back for more..

cyberbeast..

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Until you crash
Until you burn
Until you lie
Until you learn
Until you see
Until you believe

Until you fight
Until you fall
Until the end of everything at all
Until you die
Until you’re alive

Don’t save me, don’t save me, cuz I don’t care
Don’t save me, don’t save me, cuz
I don’t care

Until you give
Until you’ve used
Until you’ve lost
Until you lose
Until you see, how could you believe?

Until you’ve lived a thousand times
Until you’ve seen the other side
This is my chance, this is my self.

Don’t save me, don’t save me, cuz I don’t care
Don’t save me, don’t save me, cuz
I don’t care

Until the truth becomes a lie
Until you change, until you deny
Until you believe

This is my chance, this is my chance
I’ll take it now because I can
This is my chance, I want it now

Don’t save me, don’t save me, cuz I don’t care
Don’t save me, don’t save me, cuz
I don’t care

Save me, save me, save me
Save me, save me, save me
I don’t care

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Talk to me angel,
i miss your voice
your silence is killing me, and
i am tired of this life.

your feelings are unsound
you too are confused
but i m not blaming you
because its not your fight

but i do want you to
be there with me
to stand by my side
and help me fight this misery!

dont do this to me
I cant take it anymore
i know u are trying to fight it out
but i need my angel too


:(

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Confessions of a confused soul to an angel

for that light you showed me
through the darkness of a confused heart
for the words you thought you'd say
that was awaited so long by the silence in my mind.
i still remember your face and your closed eyes
that just made me look at you for hours and hours
there are so many words left unsaid
that tell a new story but for the reasons you'll never know
i will not say anything.
i remember that first sight which i can never forget
and that lovely smile that melts me inside
but now, everything seems so different
and your silence has grown so much, its making my
thoughts go wild.
tears roll down my eyes, when i think of you
your presence incaptivates me in my own mind
and that piece on the piano just moves me
to the beauty of your eyes.
but angel, i am confused now
everything's changing so fast
and in this world of selfish people
i just seem to miss that past.
you say you are the same and
that i dint do anything
but whenever i see you, whenever i talk to you now
something feels weird, something feels strange.
and it hurts me in my heart so much
that i only feel like running to you
and crying in your laps
to tell you that this is unfair
i feel so lonely and nobody!! NOBODY CARES!
and i know your heart will want
to say something but still you wont say
because you'd think it may not be right.

(to be continued...)


i m not gonna say further..
wrote these few lines in the morning... but i dunno whether whoever was supposed to understood it...

when you smile, the world smiles with you
when you smile, you make me want to smile too
when you smile, the room smiles with you
when you smile, butter melts and i do too!



and guys please dont, i SAY dont ask me about what or who or whatever the poem's about/for/anything.. yeah!
oh and blog's gonna be taken off in a few days for updating template! yea!

so till then..
keep waiting..


Sandesh
:(

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i swear upon the birds and tress,
that i am not well,
this is the path that you made me take
and now it seems like it'll probably never be..
i cant tell you whats wrong with me,
because you cant see that deep,
it is more than just the crying and sighing,
that lies beneath me...
i dont know why you changed so much,
so much so that you forgot everything
like with a fresher smell of nectar,
you flew away like a bee...
i put my heart open in front of you
without ever doubting and so u know what i feel inside, but
all you did was take it up the building
and threw it at the sky...
and now its falling down and down,
pulled towards the darkness
that lies beneath...
and soon shall the time come
when it would never be seen

you are making me so angry..
and you dont care...
because all that is running through your mind..
is about you, and your life and your kind.
there was a time,
when i had the magic
and this is very true...
whenever i picked up my phone,
i cud always know what you had to say..
but now that magic is gone,
i see my phone... and see the blankness in it
all i know now is that you just dont wanna say..

i still remember that time when
words were said..
and i thought maybe things were right..
but all you did was drift away
to turn my bright day.. into the darkest night :(
i try to do so much for you
so much so that you dont even know..
but for the things that you think you know..
i dont see any emotions (from you), cause you never show...
i still remember out first talk,
when u talked so differently,
that was perhaps the best "mini" conversation,
i'll always remember in life..
i tried to talk to you, to tell you what i feel
but you were so far away,
you couldnt make out what i said..
but you still chose to keep the distance
because everything was so "RIGHT" for you
everytime those tears rolled down on cheeks (mine)
was like eating chocolate ice cream for you.
i thought you cared, i still think you do..
but you are just taking it so easy
i cant do anything but sigh

friends talk to each other
friends clear away doubts
friends stick by ur side,
when things are fucked up in your mind..
and you arent doing anything of that sort,
maybe its too much for you..
but like the way you are getting on with it
you are moving away from that person i knew
i dont know whats going through your mind,
but for now, my mind is SCREWED.
a "are you ok?" is also NOT what i am expecting,
a smile is all i need.

i know there are always reasons
and i'll be happy to hear it all
but hiding all that away from me...
is definitely - SO NOT MAKING ME HAPPY! ("for your happiness" - ya rrite!!)

i know you enough to tell you
that no matter what you wont change,
but you are determined to prove me wrong.
because maybe "you dont like" what i said...
i m sorry, i hope you'll forgive me
forgive the person who is
a mile and a half below the ocean,
looking for that hand he needs..
that hand that he knows he'll find,
find in time to save himself
and pull him away from this misery.

i dont know what else to say,
coz my heart and mind feels heavy,
its just a matter of moments,
before the hyena cries.
i wish that you'll try,
try to explain to me the saddest fact of my life.
dont think what i will feel about it.
you have already killed me inside.

but no matter what,
i'll still never forget all that imagery that comes to my mind..
because
that night, you were the star i wished upon
that WE'll make things right!





guys i know this is weird and out of a sudden but somehow its just true....
none of you have an idea whats wrong with me..
and i cant tell anyone about it...because no one will understand the depth of it...

somehow i thought time will make things right...but it did not..
and i have to face it all again...
myself..

so ya..
hope you all like the new blog design...
i dint have enough time to add more stuff like always do...
i still need to mess up with the codes and everything
exams been keeping me busy for a while..


-
Sandesh

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