heya world..
i dont know whats happening there..
coz all i know is that you dont want to be with me...

lets get this straight...
whatever i say, i mean it...
direct / indirect

never ever did i react to the pain that i got, never ever did i even mention it..
everytime, i thought maybe i am the one who is wrong..and i set would set out to find faults in me and correct them.

maybe to a very small extent, i did meet all the ideals that were put in front of me..
but am i really justified in the way things are happening...???

i mean, why??? why me?,
i never did anything that should hurt...


guess, life's been unfair..but why am i saying it when i dont really believe in it...
i guess, i have been unfair to myself...and i'll always be...
coz i am never going to let go of you, just for the sake of my hapiness..

you may not care, but i do...
you may not understand, i do...
you may not realise...i do...
many tell me..
that after a while...people do take others for granted
and the dont really appreciate their existence until the are missed...


i dont really put that for you....coz, i know your heart very well...
you arent among those...
you are unique in your own ways...which
i am sure, no one...
yes
NO ONE has spotted till now...
but that doesnt really answer the question why i care about you so much???
i mean, "the picture" is only in my mind and no one else's




guess....thats the system of life...and thats how its supposed to work.
someone added me in their friends list somewhere today...

and i was just reflecting on some incidents regarding it...
and i guess...
i have to let my heart do the speaking today...

((these are the references))
well, i was really very scared at that time, and i dint know what to do. but i do remember telling you this, that we have to pretend as enemies for the others...
PRETEND and not actually be enemies..
guess, i was in such a confusion that i couldnt really express myself....properly, and you understood everything except the PRETEND part. well....i do regret that this happened in such a small time..that i really couldnt express myself...again, coz i thought maybe
MAYBE you would get the wrong meaning...and would have used it against me....
although i dont know but, i guess i was a fool to think like that...

today when i added you...and saw your pics after such a long time....i guess, the time was right to communicate what i had in mind...
and i guess, that is what i wanted to say for the past 6 yrs...
i still cry sometimes, thinking about the times, but i guess, you are very well fitted in this cycle of life...and wouldnt want to come out of it..

i only wanted us to ACT as enemies in front of this world...and not in REALITY...


just hate myself...for the things that happened..
but to tell you the truth, after all that i really couldnt find anyone whom i could trust on...i just dint...
and now the person whom i have found a new hope, my sis, my di...
is so freaking angry with me...
that its making me fry my brains out...
but
who cares..


do YOU???
or you???
or perhaphs you??


maybe N does...
maybe you do too...i wont completely neglect that..

but i guess, i am left all alone in this world, to face the challenges...


people lied to me about something..
thinking as if i am going to stop them from doing stuff they wanted to do..
guess my time is over...

i am sorry mom...
but i dont really think people would find me cute...
if i apologise to them holding my ears...

coz how much i cry...
its still me in the end who would have to bear the pain...




maybe NOW after knowing what i wanted to communicate...guess,,,
krsha would TRY to help...
MAYBE
and i guess,
N would be there too...



welll
i dont know what else to say....
coz if this is supposed to be some test for confirming your doubts about my intentions...and expressing exotic intimacies or something....lemme tell you...
there is a clear cut reason behind my love for you, sis.
and that reason is something that i just cant express....may how much i try...

i have always been the person who gets to day the dialogue
"Stop!! I'll get the bomb, you get the girl!!!"
why cant be the one saying
"Set"
hate myself..
feel like killing myself..


i am already half dead...and guess...
people's negative sounding replies are gonna kill the other half soon...

till then
cia
tk care



its really painful for me...
bt i do mean when i say...

I AM SORRY.

maybe today this refers to 2 people.
i know i have/had hurt you, and that you dont really care about my apologies, and that weird face you make when you read my messages...is something...


nvr mind..
i suck
hate myself...

BLACK

Crawling

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling/I can't seem

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Discomfort,endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting/reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...




I want to be with you,
but your millions of miles away.
i wish you would call just to ask about my day.
it would make things so much better
if i could hear you voice,
I guess i can't complain too much,
after all this was my choice.
i wish i could hold you in my arms
and look in to your eyes.i promise
i will always be true to you and
never tell you lies.
its so hard to go to sleep without you by my side.
my tears are the only thing ill ever try to hide.
i lie awake in bed as the tears stream down my face,
they keep going until the hit my pillow case.

I Miss You...



I'm Sorry

I'm sorry, so sorry
Everything doesn't turn out the way it should
Unfair, unpredictable
Life grabs you by the hair and pulls you down
I am screaming, I am screaming
Out to you, out to you
And I say
Come save my life!
It's hurting me, killing me
Please grab my hand
Promise me, promise me
Tell me you'll never let it go
I'm hoping
I'm praying
I'm wishing
I'm saying
You're the one who can save me
I hope that you hear me
My voice, it is fading
It's fading
It's fading
But all you can say is
I'm sorry, so sorry
Everything doesn't turn out the way it should
Unfair, unpredictable
Life grabs you by the hair and pulls you down
You hear me screamin
I am helpless,i am pleading
But you can't save my life
I didn't mean to do this
I hope you forgive me
But I know you won't
My voice is screaming
And i say
And i say
Come save my life!
It's hurting me, killing me
Please grab my hand
Promise me, promise me
Tell me you'll never let it go
I'm hoping
I'm praying
I'm wishing
I'm saying
You're the one who can save me
I hope that you hear me
My voice it is fading
It's fading
It's fading
But I see you walk away, walk away
How could you leave me?
And all you can manage is
I'm sorry, so sorry
I'm sorry, so sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
So sorry, so sorry
Everything doesn't turn out the way it should
I'm sorry, so sorry
I'm sorry, so sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
So sorry, so sorry
Unfair, unpredictable
Life grabs you by the hair and pulls you down
I'm sorry, so sorry
I'm sorry, so sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
So sorry, so sorry
I knew u couldn't save me


I'm sorry...


dedicated to angel, with a hell lot of love, care and respect..