What does it feel like when you get something new, you play around with and totally fall in love with it, but for some reason, you do something that forces you to part ways with it...?? Some could argue, but for most of the part I too think I am feeling that way. Such primitive and baby instincts are getting on to me..

When it starts, it feels like heaven, and like an intoxication, it spreads into your mind pushing you over boundaries that you once thought you'd never enter. But you can't escape it once you've entered it. It's like entering the next dimension.. I compare it to a whole new dimension, because.. it exists, only hiding from our obvious senses. Do we ever feel the x, y, z and the time dimensions??

I feel like I am standing on this huge clock... trying to jump over the rotating hands.. and I can see the hands moving in on me.. because I know that I won't be able to keep jumping all the time. 

Who am I kidding? I miss you.. I miss you so much, that even saying that missing you seems like an understatement.. but what CAN I do?? There was a time, when I felt I could've done anything and everything for you, but here I stand, ONLY to realise that in reality, I can't do shit... I think about that night on the third of the fourth month of 2009 and all I can do is, console my heart and tell myself, that maybe it really was just a fluke.. it happened just by mistake. It just wasn't meant to be. I still stay up dreaming about that night.. when we both let everything go.. I miss you way too much.. 

And now like deja vu.. i m right back where I was a long time ago... I regret telling you what I feel. YES, i may feel paranoid, but could you blame me for it? I've never done all this relationship.. bgr, gf thingies ever... and I don't even know what I am supposed to feel.. like.. but this is hard... THIS IS WAYY too hard.. 

And now you keep engaging in conversations about anti-"THAT THING" perspectives.. and that just means one thing, I am gonna reach a dead end... hit the wall... crashing into it badly.. i can pretty much sense things going in that direction.

I"LL BE BACK TO CONTINUE THIS POST!! GOTTA GO TALK TO, well, YOU!

//EDIT

so I am back again.. right where I wanted not to..

anyways.. so like i was saying, you are giving me these weird ideas, which I do not want to pursue, because they aren't just hard as hell, but much more than fatal. I wish I hadn't told you. I was so much better off without having to wonder what it would be like.. if we... well you know... GOD why did I HAVE to be such a fool and rush into things..

shit, and now it's gonna be another failure on my hands... the stains of which are gonna sting badly.. sting like the stupid wound I got today.. haha.. though I LOVED it.. I love the adrenaline rush of the game, of the fall... its just awesome.. haha. But FUCK, i can't even walk properly now..

I think about stuff, and i realise that I can comfortably compare this "physical" pain to the more "not so physical and yet so painful" pain. I wonder why I have landed hand in hand with these "pains" so badly... And even through all these,

I miss you so badly,

and yet i can't do shit about it..

i wanna imagine those times, those memories, those clicks and ticks when I imagined us being together..

I don't wanna even talk to anyone right now..

:(

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Sigh, Again I am back here,

this is just wrong! everything with you is going down the road that I dint want it to. Who thought I'd be so stupid to believe that nothing would change...?? Of course, Everything changes!! PERIOD! I wish I could turn back time, and flip back into the chapters where I told you what I shouldn't EVER have. I know its unfair to assume, what I am thinking, but every second longer I have to wait for you to say something, every second longer I have to wait for you to ask, I can't help resist but to think that the "magic" is disappearing away. Hate this ignorance phase, but is there a fucking way out of this??

I can't decide whether I am angry or just simply confused! I wish I'd find an answer to that SOON! Because, things are really turning south...

And again, without doing anything and just being completely honest... sigh, I hate to say, but I screwed up!

How easy it is for me to just appear somewhere and mess everything up. People think I am clean, and neat and tidy.. and yet I can't even wipe my own mess. What a stupid irony?! Maybe it's for the best, this time I shouldn't even try at all!

Sigh, I don't wanna let go of everything that started, spawned off! That was just awesome, really. I could live and RElive that the moment AGAIN and AGAIN and again! But I had hopes that maybe this time, i'd be living newer moments only to keep expecting more fresh moments to come. But, of course, THAT's not gonna happen... so what's the next step? Frankly speaking, I have no idea!! I am still hoping you'd understand certain things, and let go of, (and IF THERE IS), the fear!!

I'll be back here again, sooner than I thought I would..

But then, I am hoping things might have changed till then..

And till the next time, i wanna think about this...


Long ago
Just like the hearse, you die to get in again
We are so far from you

Burning on
Just like a match you strike to incinerate
The lives of everyone you know

And what's the worst you take
(Worst you take)
From every heart you break
(Heart you break)
And like a blade you stain
(Blade you stain)
Well, I've been holding on tonight

What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

Came a time
When every star fall
Brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold

And what's the worst you take
(Worst you take)
From every heart you break
(Heart you break)
And like the blade you stain
(Blade you stain)
Well, I've been holding on tonight

What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

Well, if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight

Can you hear me?
Are you near me?
Can we pretend?
To leave and then
We'll meet again
When both our cars collide

What's the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight

Well, if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight


sigh...
cyberbeast

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And I am back here again! Why does it have to be that every time I think I want to leave this blog alone, somewhere somehow, I came back to it, crying and begging for those things to come out of me and in its own minute ways make me a feel a little better. Today, was another one of those days, where things seem to be going slightly faster than the rest, and you keep riding the waves over and over again, with people. And then, hurricane strikes, and there's destruction all over again! Crashing and banging everything that comes in the way, doesn't bother to stop at all.

Today, I confessed something to someone, only to make that person feel, if not angry, CONFUSED! :( brings me back to the those days, when lying in the field, I was attracted to her, like the moon to the earth, beneath the mysterious shadows of the tress in the night. What would it mean, to her, I did not know.. but for the the curiosity, I did surrender my feelings... I let it go, i was bound to her, and time was standing still, i could hear every insect singing, every leaf falling, every subtle sound in the environment, but the one i could hear the most distinctly was the sound of her warm breath and the touch of her soft skin when I held her little hands in mine. The warm aura, was immensely strong, and that feeling was so gigantic, it could have ripped planets apart. Maybe that is happiness, or maybe it signifies the incoming doom, awaiting your arrival in the best of emotions, the best of moods... and then not hours before everything starts feeling like a rainbow clad sky, it all explodes... explodes to a million pieces, scattered everywhere, like the remains of the flesh and blood from the soldiers dead in war! But this time, it was my blood, and it was my flesh, and it was my mind, that had died, and she was there, standing in the meadow, observing all the tiny things, probably feeling bad, but also, no strong emotions showed up in her heart. And then when I gathered enough strength to put myself together, she was gone... enjoying "nights" with other people!

THAT was the recollection of the thoughts that went through my mind.. when yesterday, I was honest (and probably foolish) enough to tell (a new) her, what i feel.. And I did not realise the apparent doom that was inbound on my course. The rain outside just probably added to the theatrics of it all, but ever so badly, I was mad, i was angry AT MYSELF! Another person, whom I couldn't and would never want to hurt, I probably did.. and How i fucking wish I could penetrate into the thoughts in her mind, and plant a seed that would make her realise that I am NOT like others, I DO NOT want what others do... For me, I am the GIVER.. i give.. and to you.. i can only give... a reason for you to smile. Maybe these things don't have scientific proofs or theories or thesis to understand, why I am attracted to you or why my mind tricks me into believing that I might have the power to keep you happy, and hence smiling... I just want to intermix, my emotions into the one Emotion of yours.. your happiness.. all i want is for you to realise THAT! Yeah, true that, its just been a few days, maybe weeks, but you dont wait till the rain stops to appreciate the rainbow afterwards... you start looking for signs, and colours that could help you spot a rainbow from the distance... because, when you DO spot it, it feels nothing less than heavenly to keep looking at it... sparkling.. and almost false to be magical! But THAT almost never happened... I think its wrong of me to be so open, to be so honest.. Why can't I be like those others... I guess, i am not programmed to work that way... but is being honest.. worth it.. is it worth the, perhaps, limited pain that it can inflict to those I care about.. those I WANT to care for??

The worst part, was when even YOU went silent, like her... i literally died.. restlessness would just simply be an understatement to describe what i was feeling inside... but I am glad, that unlike her, YOU, bounced back.. and you comforted me... I felt so incapable... so helpless, and at these times, even apologising seems ordinary... the only extra ordinary feat that would be the option would be to meet you, but that seemed like out of this world.

Even then, all i want to try and do now, is to not hurt you anymore.. you already know what i feel (though for some strange reason i regret telling you), and it's gonna be impossible for it to change, even if you claim that i might start feeling differently, once i get to know you... Although, i would wanna tell you.. that this whole, "attraction" is not at all about how I feel!!! It's just about a desire, to wanna see you smile.. i mean, i just wanna be in love with the pleasure of seeing you smile... yeah yeah, what sort of an idiot am i to fall for someone's smile.. but its true... it maybe a concept of a whole new other level in my mind.. but for surely it is true... what i can i say... you've got more power over it apparently.

I was scared, that I might lose you over something... that was just natural. and I really wish I hadn't hurt you... or even confused you.. or whatever you wanna call it.. and I still dont know how to tell you that.. its not YOU, who did anything to make me feel that way about you.. i mean YES, its you.. but its just the natural you.. You don't even have to try hard to make me wanna be with you. Is it so hard to convey that..?? apparently it is... I hope you can understand, that incidents regarding these things rip me apart, i maybe some iron man figure on the outside, but inside, i am as helpless as a newborn child..

all in all,

i wish i could tell you, in words, how sorry I am to have put you in a position, a state of confusion, no matter how brief it would have been.. and its definitely my fault..

i hope and i really wish, i do not hurt you more.. i'll have to look twice ahead before treading even a small footstep in your direction.. i don't know if i'll be able to look up at you straight... but yes, this guilt is gonna run behind me for a long long time... maybe something can change this.. but i am not even considering that..

all this brings about certain new questions to the arena... and there could be limitless choices and answers... i hope to find mine in that maze... and i hope you'll help me find it...

again, i need your trust.. and your friendship, and most important of all to know that you have forgiven, or left behind the "confusion" i enveloped around you tonight!! Just please, carry, the good things that are left for to be taken, and guide me where I should be..

I am really sorry.

I hope you liked the pic I edited for you, In whatever time i had, all i wanted to emphasize on, through the picture, was the fact that, everything else seemed blurry and almost lifeless (colourless) when thinking about the fact that i hurt you, but the way you came back about it, the way you were so supportive and almost as charmingly nice... I couldn't help imagine, the soul, the only colour at that moment in my head.. and i could see you smile a little bit.. that was and even currently is.. the fuel keeping my mind stable and steady..

don't change for the fear of what i feel, i am not strong enough to lose something that precious. Of all things, I value people more than anything.. and you are my recent "discovery"!! and it really doesn't matter... what or how I feel...

sigh,

its been some time, since i fought with my eyes.. and ultimately like always I won, but there was indeed much "tear"-shedding, and muscular rubbings to the eye... and at the end of it all, the eyes saw red.. and so was the victory achieved...

i m just insane..

i m crazily insane..

need to think... need to study.. need to focus

urgh,

until next time,

cyberbeast

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