I am back here, after quite some time.. lots of things have passed since the last time and more importantly, nothing's changed as such, or maybe things HAVE changed but then change has become such a constant in life, that it doesn't seem like something different at all. But things were piling up so badly that I kinda lost track of everything that I wanna let out...

I'll start, first, with a stupid thing that I did, unknowingly and with a good intention to a very sweet person... I think, we, at some point in our lives take our opinions for granted. I took mine and threw it at this incredibly amazing person, only to realize (when it was too late), that I actually hurt her. I always think of never ever doing anything to hurt anyone, and here I am standing in front of that statement, getting whacked on the face by my own contradictions. I wish I could take it back, or rather make it sound a little less harsher... I mean, after all, I only want her to be happy... But there is a reason, why it WAS necessary for me to go down the rash road, is because, I don't think it's unfair for you to blame yourself for something that wasn't even your fault. You're caging yourself inside.. when you should be the person staring at you OUTSIDE the cage.. pointing a finger at the exotic creature inside. BUT THEN AGAIN, DOESN'T GIVE ME THE FUCKING RIGHT TO HURT ANYONE... I need to know that she has her feelings invested into this... How would I feel if someone comes to me and tells me what a wrong thing it is to have spent time, spent thoughts, spent emotions on something??
Words can't be taken back, but an emotion (that of, apology) CAN be conveyed... and that's all I am feeling for right now. :(

I haven't been well for a while now.. I dunno WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with me.. I seem to have lost my appetite... COMPLETELY.... yesterday it just got worse, and I had to start a course of pain-killers so that my body doesn't give away to the SHIT that's enveloped me.

Yesterday night, made me realize, how much I miss her... I do keep thinking of her from time to time, but I never really thought it would get this bad...I reminisced all the times we were together... all the things we did, and how SPECIAL they were to me... and somehow.. it all got snatched away from me (for a fault of my wrong doing only)... I almost hallucinated... imagining her standing right in front of me, bending down over my face as if to whisper something to me... I could smell her hair, feel her warm breath across my cold face as she was uttering words that I could not make out... I was looking into her eyes... and then time stopped. Wind stopped blowing, I felt warm suddenly, but everything was silent... so silent... I tried to scream, but apparently I couldn't, but then she reached out to grab my hand and there it was, her little hands in mine... I swear I could have had a "mental" orgasm at that moment... because I nothing could have made me do anything else but hold her hands in that moment. And then she started walking away.... slowly like the fading of the music at the end of a movie, it occurred to me that, I was gonna lose her like the way I did. I start screaming yet again, but no sound came... I choked myself to see if there's something wrong with my vocal cords.... but there wasn't... and like the worst nightmare... she walked away... and I lost her again. Sigh.

Texting her in the middle of the night also kinda didn't really help... I wish I could go to her, and cry in front of her... and beg for a warm hug...
sigh,
it's been years since... :( :( :( :(  but I still can't seem to get you outta my mind, or my heart... THAT night, still comes to my mind, and makes me happy and haunts me at the same time. sigh.

I am sorry, but I do, love you.

I think it's weird how when you feel so strongly about someone, how you wanna do anything for that person... how you can walk the edges of life... to wanna be with that person...

HOW THEN, could you, Sandesh, have made a friend feel something else...? How could you have not seen the fact that whatever she's going through, you also did go through at a point of time, even though things were a little different, but the crux of it all.. still the same.....

I am sorry.

oh... and there's this another thing I need to get out of me.. but then I think that can wait till the next post... that one's full of lies and deceit, not something that goes well with the tone of this post... another time i guess..

The Silence keeps it easy
keeps your safe for the moment
as you're walking away
your footsteps get louder
all you needed was time,
but now time will destroy us.

It will all be over, and here we are
we're stuck inside this salted earth together.
You'll pierce my lungs
my limbs go bumb
as my colours fade out.


You watch me bleed
you watch me bleed


i gave you everything to die with a smile
all you wanted was to live for a while,
you took everything but it left you empty
you cant replace me, you cant


its almost over and here we are
we're stuck inside this salted earth together.
you'll pierce my lungs,
my limbs go numb
as my colours fade out.


You watch me bleed,
you watch me bleed.

It'll all be over, and here we are
we'll die inside this salted earth together,
you'll pierce my lungs,
my limbs'll go numb
as my colours fade out

YOU WATCH ME BLEED!
YOU WATCH ME BLEED!

:( :( :(